Here is a tale from the comedy crypt. It is also a heartchilling warning about the true test of friendship.
I was at an open mic the other night, and one of the newer comics brought a bunch of his friends to watch him (they made up the majority of the audience). They definitely laughed long and enthusiastically at all of his jokes moreso than for anyone else who went up (though overall they were not a bad audience by any means).
However, I overheard a convo between two of his so-called "friends" in the bathroom right after his set.
It went a little something like this:
"Friend" 1: So what did you think of him?
"Friend" 2: Well...I didn't think he was very good at all.
"Friend" 1: Yeah, I know...me neither.
"Friend" 2: He was so nervous! Stand up comedians aren't supposed to be nervous!
"Friend" 1: You could do better than he did!
"Friend" 2: I really could, couldn't I? I should try it sometime. I already have an act pretty much.
Also, let it be said that peeing was occurring on behalf of both parties the whole time and they knew full well I was in there eavesdropping on them! That's really what sealed the deal of impropriety for me.
photo courtesy of Flickr and Simon Davison
Horrific. I mean I guess it was nice of them to laugh during his set, but the post-show rundown managed to undo all of their good deeds and community service.
Meanwhile I felt like the maid who heard and saw too much!
I considered outing them for two seconds, but then I realized how much unnecessary harm I would do so I finished restocking the paper towel dispensers and I hightailed it outta there.
Please share your family and friend comedy horror stories. Or don't. I understand the pain is real and retains freshness far past the tell-by date.
6 comments:
I love how you tagged it "pwnd"...
I don't have one specific story as much as I do a collection of patronizing feelings, grimaces, forced smiles, and awkward side-stepping conversations of the actual show, post performance. There is also a nice history of condescending questions and "one-and-done" attendance records by friends, co-workers, etc...stored in my subconscious.
I also really like the line that "stand-up comedians aren't supposed to be nervous", they've already charted, because they've been through it, where this newb should be, on what is a very personal path.
I used "newb" because you used "pwnd".
Last year and some change, I did the Arlington Cinema N' Drafthouse comedy contest. It is my most painful comedy memory. The audience was packed and were given an amazing show...until I got on stage. The size of the stage, the pressure to do well: these could have been the reason, but I think in the end I just wasn't ready. I got almost no laughs, and then forgot how a joke went in the middle and just stammered till I gave up. I had never fucked up so badly on stage before. I walked offstage completely horrified. I went to use the bathroom later and while in one of the stalls I heard some people talking about the show. One said "This show is great!" and the other said "Yeah except that red shirt guy. Jesus Christ". Guess who was wearing a red shirt and being very silent in a bathroom stall? They laughed and were just short of high fiving each other while pissing in urinals, pretending they were my mouth. I actually waited until they were all done and gone before I left the bathroom. Miserable.
These men are now dead. Their imaginary deaths have taught me a lesson, don't take time for granted. God is love.
-Ham
i never could do the "bring friends" to an open-mic thing. why would anyone put themselves through that? i don't even talk to people/comics who've never seen me perform before a show; if you talk to people, then do bad, once you get off-stage and talk to them there's a completely different tone. they look at you differently. that's probably really paranoid. but everytime i do bad in front of a friend, i kinda assume we're not friends anymore and am surprised if they want to hang out again. then you can't ever mention you do comedy again, cause they'll be like "yeah, sure you do..." so i really just try not to have any friends. and to write posts that are way too wordy without having a single funny thing in it...hope none of my friends read this...
Eli is spot on. Recently, I tried to tip the scales in my favor for a "So You Think You're Funny" contest by bringing an absurd number of buddies.
The fact that I didn't place in the top 3 (nor likely crack the top ten) supports the certainty, at least mathmatically, that I need to make new friends...and family.
...or work on my act.
When Rascals was still open in Baltimore, for the 4.2 weeks it was open, I did a bringer. I couldn't convince too many friends to come out there so I was forced to turn to my family. Even if some people happened to walk in there, I'd like to think 99% of them were friends or family of the other comics. As soon as I got a word out of my mouth they turned on me. One table wouldn't let up and I got into a bit of a back and forth.I told her she was a "C" student and perhaps my jokes would be funnier if I had a grill in my mouth... I lost everyone after that cause the whole crowd was "Urban". I was upset and felt like I was two inches tall, then my Mom comes over and and asks "Are you okay dear?" I've never asked her to come see me again and she thinks I'm the opposite of funny. What comic brings hecklers to a show?! The worst part of it all was that my Mom was the crowd's side. Apparently, I took it too far. Memories...
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