On a Silver Platter...

Ok here it is...the first ever "Friday Morning Joke Contest for DCCOMEDY4NOW.COM" and this entire contest was inspired by the article below. I like smart comedy, I like it when its cutting edge and thought provoking but when it comes down to it, all I want to do is talk about "pee-pee" and "cah-cah" (Dick and Fart Jokes). You're guaranteed to hear a joke about this on one of the late night talk shows next week--pitch your own bit here in the comment section.

From the article: Charge dropped against man accused of farting. He had an upset stomach, but police didn't let him go to the toilet, he says

Jose Cruz, 34, who police said passed gas and fanned it toward a patrolman, will no longer be charged with battery.

SOUTH CHARLESTON, W.Va. - A West Virginia man accused of passing gas and fanning it toward a police officer no longer faces a battery charge.

The Kanawha County prosecutor's office requested that the charge be dropped against 34-year-old Jose Cruz.

Cruz, of Clarksburg, W. Va., was pulled over early Tuesday for driving without headlights, police said. According to the criminal complaint, Cruz smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech and failed three field sobriety tests before he was handcuffed and taken to a police station.

According to a criminal complaint, Cruz passed gas and made a fanning motion toward patrolman T.E. Parsons after being taken for a breathalyzer test.

"The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons," the complaint alleged.

Cruz acknowledged passing gas, but said he didn't move his chair toward the officer nor aim gas at the patrolman. He said he had an upset stomach at the time, but police denied his request to go to the bathroom when he first arrived at the station.

"I couldn't hold it no more," he said.

He also denied being drunk and uncooperative as the police complaint alleged. He added he was upset at being prepared for a breathalyzer test while having an asthma attack. The police statement said he later resisted being secured for a trip to a hospital that he requested for asthma treatment.

Cruz said the officers thought the gas incident was funny when it happened and laughed about it with him.

Cruz, who was arrested Tuesday, still faces two charges: driving under the influence and driving without headlights, and two counts of obstruction.

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DC, NY, Over the Hill

I leave town for 3 days and you'd think comedian Dave Hill was the new suspect in the Anthrax case...well, at least among local comics. I laid a steaming, hot, lead turd on the stages of UCB yesterday in New York City. I know I'm better than what I've displayed and still have more potential to explore...I'm wondering if Dave Hill and the other folks at the DC Comedy Fest-Industry show feel similar. I know I don't want to be judged by one performance. The more you know...

(Local Comic finishes reading this...contemplates it...then throws his arm across the computer desk, knocking over laptop, empty Yuengling bottles, ash stained coffee mugs, and bar napkins inked in forsaken genius...pounds fists on desk, knocking over remaining lamp and pens...tears start to well, looks in mirror above desk, stares at aging face...in reflection sees old copy of "The Comedy Bible" on bookshelf...has mellow dramatic moment with himself, swivels around and takes book down off of shelf, ominously opens to page with "A Contract for Yourself Not to Quit"...footsteps start to walk downstairs...comic startled, starts to zip up his pants but then realizes he wasn't masturbating...mother looks from bottom step with smile, sets down plate of cookies and glass milk...rubs comics head)

Mom: You'll always be my little Johnny Carson.

Comic starts to sob uncontrollably, grabs mother's apron and buries face into it.

Mother looks at son's picture of Margaret Cho on wall

Mom: Goddamn you. (If you have any thoughts, insights or photos from your experiences at the DC Comedy Fest or Del Close Marathon, send'em our way and we'll post them up)

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