Curt! Hey, Curt! Hello?! Mr. Shackelford?!!!!

Curt! I've been sending you emails! Why haven't you returned my emails? Curt, I need you! You are the godfather of DC comedy so if I don't have your ear I got nothing! Nothing! I'm on my knees over here! My knees! I know you read this blog, Curt.
Curt, I'm gonna come at you like a man. Look, dude, i got a dream, and that dream involves you emailing me back once. Just to tell me that you're alright. I worry about you, Curt(If that is your real name). I know this comedy life is lived in the fast lane and there are a lot of temptations. But you are better than that, so put whatever is keeping you from returning emails down, and pick up your laptop and holla at ya boy! Just in case you really haven't gotten my emails, here are some that I have sent you over the last few weeks:

Hey Curt, this is Nick, I'm Rory's friend who did the Hyatt back in August. I'd like to come do Topaz on Thursday if there is still time open. Also I would love to come back to the Hyatt any time you have an open slot. Thanks Curt, Nick

Hey Curt, I just wanted to make sure that this was the correct email address. Let me know, Nick

Hey curt. still trying to get a hold of you, seeing if I can do one of
your shows. Let me know, or at least let me know if you hate me and want me to die so i don't have to keep sending you emails. Thanks
Curt, PEACEnick

Curt! I've been shot! I need your help! I'm dying over here!
Auuuugghhhh!! Please, this is probably the last email I will ever be able to write...tell my mom that i love her, tell my dad that he sucks at backgammon, and tell my dog...that he died 8 years ago. Curt!
HEEELP!!!

Curt, that is all I can do and I can't do no more. Is this the end of the road for the tumultuous twosome? Will nick ever get a date or will he wallow in obscurity forever? Tune in next week to read the exciting conclusion of...."YA BANNED!" Read more!

New Google Ranking: 145!

Hey everyone, I'm back with another update on the meteoric rise of this so-called blog. When last we met this blog was ranked 192 when googling the phrase "dc comedy." Well, as you know by now we, have shot-the-hell-up to 145! Congratulations, DC! However, with any amount of success there inevitably will be people left in your wake. Who now has to go through life in the embarrassing #146 position? Well that would be everybody's favorite Mormon Comedy Troupe, Divine Comedy (DC=Divine Comedy, get it?). So to help make their day a little less sad, we are going to tell the whole world what's up with the funny Mormons these days.





"Divine Comedy" is BYU's "premiere sketch comedy troupe." That being said, I could not find another Mormon sketch comedy troupe. Also, I did not look for one. Alumni include many people who have given up comedy for...other things. While never having experienced a Divine Comedy show, I can only assume that the limitations of avoiding certain subject matter and foul language required by Mormon Law have opened up a creativity that most comedians could never dream of. It is truly inspiring.

However, while this troupe seems harmless on the surface, we may have another Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia-like material stealing incident on our hands, folks. While perusing through Divine Comedy's videos, which are almost all hilarious spoofs on of-the-moment pop culture like "Star Wars," (Star Wars, can you believe it? Hilarious!) I did find an intro video that looks suspiciously like one made by local comedians for the Rendezvous Open mic. Watch both and then decide for yourself.




Send your complaints to: God Read more!

I Spy a Lie!

hey there party people,

i just wanted to put an end to the rumors on the bottom lefthand side of this page that i'm "lovin 4 now" People magazine's 2007 sexiest man alive matt damon.

argument 1) he's married to a baby's mama. and they have civil rights to that baby!
argument 2) no.


i'm sure you're a nice guy, mr. damon, but i don't know you like that.
photo courtesy of Flickr and mamaa wolff

also the rationalization was "because i'm a girl." don't even get me started. i am mclovin 4 now the right to free speech.

i am mchatin 4 now side columns expressing blatant lies about people's personal innermost feelings.



i also still mchate littering.

i also mchate how after a funny movie comes out that is called superbad, people by the name of me can't stop mclovin on it by mcquotin it and mcmakin jokes related to it. also, mcfor the mcrecord, i mchaven't actually mcseen the mcmovie.

but since my real opinions apparently have no place on this blog, here's valuable information that you can actually use. new open mic starting december 3rd. that's right! MONDAY.

Where: SPY LOUNGE in Adams Morgan, DC.
Who: Tyler Richardson and Eli Sairs
Arrival time for comics is 7:30, show runs from 8 to 10. Sign-up is on premises.
For more info you can e-mail devohaven (at) gmail.com.
the website's pretty hip but don't let it scare you.

finally, local life and comic impresario brandon ivey wrote and photographed this exposé on his recent travels. it's awesome. just like brandon ivey. Read more!

This house is sold! BANG! BANG!

Read more!

Hey, comics in the back...Shut the Fuck Up!!!

This past Saturday night I noticed something that has become increasingly annoying to me: comics talking in the back of the room. I can cut people
slack when it is an open mic or a large room where the whispers don't carry. We've all been guilty in that scenario. Unlike Saturday however, at an open mic there aren't normally cameras recording for television. Was this Lettermen or Leno? Most certainly not, but it was a TV spot for Comcast OnDemand. Is it a big deal? Probably not, but it's still nice to think that your material will be seen and heard by people watching TV. Treat it with some sort of respect, people.

So, why did a handful of comics run their fucking mouth during the whole fucking show? Maybe I've got sensitive ears and it was just loud to me. Wait, no it wasn't because other comics complained about it! Most every comic stood in the back, directly behind or next to the camera. What would make a person think, "This is the perfect place to whisper loudly about complete bullshit and distract people from enjoy a comic who I FUCKING KNOW!" If you want to talk, step outside. It is not only rude to the comics, but to the audience as well. It was jaw dropping to see a group of comics not give a fuck about the fact the cameras were rolling. More disturbing though is that noone really said anything. I was hosting the show and remembered "sooshing" people twice, but to no avail.

Did I want to watch every comic that was on the show that night? No. Did I have to because I was hosting it? Yes. I know how boring it is to watch the same comic do the same set over and over again. That's why if I don't have to stand in the back, I leave. I go talk to other people who are bored. I don't stand in the back and fucking talk. Why? Because I'm not rude and actually give a shit about other peoples performance...even if I don't like it.

And one more thing about the showcase: I was fucking amazing. Read more!

Tales from the Road: Bar None!

Disclaimer: My spelling and grammar is atrocious. I also like to use ellipsis A LOT. I'm bad at word play and thinking of titles that are creative. I almost named this one Chicken and Corn and it has nothing to with chicken or corn. But you'll have to deal with it. I'm an ICON and I wear Valour.

I had a one nighter last night at a bar in Baltimore. Bar gigs usually go two ways. "Painfully awful" and "only slightly awful". There are a few reasons for this and the one that tends to be the number one reason is that no one in the bar seems to to ever know that a show is going to be happening.

However, this was not the case last night because there was nobody there to not know that a show was going on. I got to the bar around 8:20 for the 9:00pm show and walked into the following scene.

(The bar had less people than this.)

That's a slight exaggeration. There were a group of 5 people gathered around a pool table. The bathrooms were right by the pool tables so as I was in the bathroom I could overhear one of the guys at the pool table saying "I just love alcohol" over and over. I was only in the bathroom for a couple of minutes. In that time the guy said that phrase 12 times. I love alcohol too, but when you proclaim your love for it out loud 12 times in a span of two minutes you probably have a problem with alcohol.

I had a couple of Poon Nation Fan club members show up so while I was entertaining them I looked over my shoulder to see the Booker/headliner having a heated argument with the bar manager. I excused myself from the discussion on how great I am and walked over to find out:

THE BAR DIDN'T HAVE A SOUND SYSTEM AND THE BOOKER/HEADLINER DIDN'T BRING ONE.

Apparently that was one minor detail that the bar overlooked and the Booker forgot to follow up on.

So we discussed our options:

(A bullhorn was actually discussed and quickly tossed out as an option because nobody has bullhorns.)

The lack of sound system overshadowed (and rightly so) the fact that by 9pm only a handful of people had showed up to see the show so the bar management decided that it would be "best" to cancel the show.

I still got paid which is rare for when shows like these get cancelled. So this bar gig will be filed under "only slightly awful". I have a make up date in January. I hope they have a sound system.

Read more!

Boomer Sooner!!! ( A Tornado of Jokes)

This past weekend was one for the Books. I had a show in Norman, Oklahoma and had a reunion with 5 of my closest friends on the face of the Earth. Needless to say that I don't remember a lot of it, but thanks to photos I have memories. I won't talk about my reunion, but I'll blog about the show. Here we go...

I was nervous to perform in Oklahoma. Not because I didn't have faith in my material, but because I didn't have any faith in my material in that time zone. I know my jokes kill in Washington, DC and South Carolina, but was clueless as to whatSooners might find funny. I arrived in Norman on Thursday afternoon and until showtime on Friday night my performance weighed on me like a bag of doubt.

The Deli was the name of the venue that I played. I was opening up the band Galapagous, which my friend plays the keys for. The Deli isn't the most lavish of venues, but it's got heart and sometimes that's all you need. This was the first comedy show that this venue had ever had, and no one really knew howcomedy shows worked. So, I made sure that I had someone to bring me up and lay down some rules like "don't talk" and "pay attention" and "no cell phones". My friend "Crazy" Steve Baptist has a way with words so I asked him to bring me up. This is I got brought up: "If this guyaint ' funny...8-Balls for everyone!!!" That was the last thing out of his mouth. Do you know how much pressure you're under to be funny when the prize for your failure is free cocaine? I almost wanted me to fail just for the free blow. The street value of that 8-Ball would be more than what I got paid. (if you know the value of goodcocaine, then you know I didn't get paid much.)

I took the stage and talked about the free cocaine, the band for allowing me to open for them, and the lovely audience that came out early to hear live local stand-up comedy. That's the best feeling when people come out to support you, and they have never heard of you before. That's cool. I started off strong and kept it up the entire show. These people are in the middle of the plains and a lot of them have never even been to a live stand-up show before. It's an odd feeling to take someones live comedy cherry from them. Norman, Oklahoma I hope you enjoyed your virginity while you had it.

Everything was great up until my last joke. I started it and that's when this one guy felt it was time to inform me that I was Not Funny. He shouted out 3 times, so I took him up on his offer for conversation. He wanted me to know that he didn't want to say what he said, but felt he had to say it. I asked him why he didn't want to speak his mind in the middle of my show, and he responded with "causeI's tryin ' to be nice and didn't want to cause a problem." To which I responded, "and you are aware that that is exactly what you're doing now, right Sir?" I got a huge applause from the crowd, and finished my joke to laughter.

After the show I am taken aside by a guy who really enjoyed my show. I'm pretty sure he did because he kept shaking and holding my hand as he mumbled. He was Native American and loved me. He invited me to his house for a drum circle. I'm not making that part up. He invited me to beat on his tom tom's. So, just as Shakes to Much Hands was talking to me, the Heckler walks up to me. "Hey, you shouldn't make fun of god!" I reply, "I wasn't making fun of god, I was talking about people using god to advertise, especially Christians." Then he says, "You need to respect god, or you'll likely to your ass kicked!" I brushed him off and let it go, but Shakes to Much Hands didn't. He assured me in a mumble that he'd kick his ass long before he got to me. I like Native Americans. Why do ignorant Christians automatically turn to violence when they feel that their values are attacked? Becauseopenin' a big ol ' can of whoop ass is just what Christ would do. The main reason I'm not a Christian is because I don't want that guy on my team. If I had to go to Heaven and be surrounded by all of those people and NOT commit a sin against them, I'd go crazy.

This is how the rest of my trip went:
Read more!

Maria Bamford: Too funny for soap?

I just came across this hilarious tidbit about Maria Bamford's Dad running a campaign against the use of soap. His substitute for soap? A block of wood. Unfortunately, I think he's still pro-showering.
As you may have read on this blog, Ms. Bamford is currently DCC4N contributer Jason's crush du jour. Will this have any impact on his feelings? Word on the street is that he likes his ladies smelling good. This is the most Page Six-like post I have ever written. And it feels gross. But not gross enough for soap. Read more!

Differences between DC and NY Part 2: Hanging out.

So I've mentioned some differences between these two fair cities before when i talked about getting paid for standup or even when I talked about getting all pouty about a lack of available stagetime. Well this one is sillier.
I noticed that comics here tend to get to shows really early and hang out for an hour or more before the show. But when the show is over, whoever is still around immediately bolts. However, in NY, you'll be lucky if all of the performers have shown up by the time the show was scheduled to start, because you know the audience hasn't. And after the show, it's time to get drunk and hang. Boy do I miss that. Basically I'm saying that I want to get drunk, and not alone. Come on people. Does this city not hang out late night?!
Now I realize that one reason is because in NY I'm mainly talking about shows that have already booked the comedians. Therefore, no one is getting there early, hoping to get a spot. DC unfortunately is severly lackng in these types of shows so pretty much every show you're going to is an open mic, with an extremely long list of comedians performing. Probably another reason is that NY is a night owl friendly town. Where in DC, if you haven't hopped on the metro by midnight, your shit out of luck and are sleeping on park bench.
ANyway, blah blah blah, if you see me at a show, and are wondering if I want to get drunk and bullshit for a couple of hours afterward...I do. Ask me. I'm jonesing, son! Read more!