Dr. Heckle and Mr. Snide (Comments): Part 2

[Last week, we posted on the topic of hecklers and how to deal with them. Today, Hampton Yount brings the topic up again with his insights on the many faces of the interrupting douche/heckler. Enjoy.]

Hampton here again, ready to bring you new emotions through printed word. Let’s cut to the chase. I made a list of the different kinds of hecklers I have seen or heard about. One of my secret pleasures is writing up lists: Favorite movies, favorite songs, and least favorite memories. If a really eccentric criminal threatens to put me on a desert island, I know exactly which five best Weezer solos to bring. So, in that tradition, I have decided to shine a light on comedy and list the different types of hecklers.

Note: All of these categories are made instantly more annoying if they are a girl. Award them five hundred Fran Drescher points! Herewego! (read that real fast…real fast)

The Oblivious
I’ll start with the one that is less a standard heckler but more of an annoyance. This is the guy who doesn’t realize a show is going on. Well, don’t be mad at him; it’s not like you’re on stage with a microphone sending your voice over a PA system. He probably thought God was trying to talk to him, and he lost his faith years ago (Too little too late, God!) The best is when you stop talking or draw attention to this character, and they act like you are being a jerk. I once got a “Sorry” so dripping with sarcasm that I used it as lubricant and jerked off with it. That’s how much I loved that moment.

The Idiot
This one might actually be my least favorite. This is the guy who shouts things that are neither good nor bad about your bit. It’s rare, but it makes me slit my mental wrists every time. I’ll give an example; I have a joke about Battlefield Earth (so fucking funny, I’m a genius!), and on several occasions, I have had someone shout loudly, “JOHN TRAVOLTA!!!” midway through my bit. Frustrated, I asked one of these guys “What about him?” and he said “He’s in the movie.” I then shouted at this man for several minutes.

[Hit the jump! He's on to something here, guys!]

The Helper
This is the one you hate to hate. He shouts stuff out with the intent, in theory, to help you. Either that or he laughs weird. He’ll shout something like “You are so funny!” or have a weird, show- stopping cackle (In all the cases of the weird cackle, I wanted to stop the show and PAY to watch the person laugh). The problem is that it can make you mad, but you have no idea where to place that anger. You can’t yell at the person because it feels weird to say, “Stop having fun!” The only solution is to hug the life out of him.

The Corrector
I think you’re getting the trend here; this is the person who tries to correct your joke. Usually you’ll quote a fact or make an assertion, and they want to make sure the audience isn’t made dumber by your slight misstep. Well, how fucking helpful! No, their help couldn’t have waited until after the performance. They need to make sure everyone knows John Goodman is actually a Virgo, you blasphemer.

The Impresser
Finally, a category truly worthy of hate. He is the pinnacle of douchebaggery, the guy who shouts things to impress his friends/date. His parents were two bullies who stopped punching each other long enough to look in each other’s goofy bully eyes and breed on top of a gym mat. Nine months later, they gave birth to something with no manners. The worst is that after this guy shouts something, he goes for “The Confirm” with whoever he is with, and is greeted with sycophantic smiles. Suddenly, your head drowns in memories of high school; how him and his posse laughed at your awkward boners. Not at mine though! I was awesome in high school! I had lots of cool friends, and I was voted Class Boner. Digression aside, The Impresser is just upset someone is funnier than he powerdreams he is. I recommend comparing this specimen to a type of failure. The balance has been restored.

The Leader
This is the heckler whose comments are dead on. He is speaking on behalf of the audience, and you can feel it in your pores. Fear this heckler; he is your doom. In an ancient primeval way, this heckler's scent has claimed dominance, and is verbally hitting you in the face with a femur while the audience/apes flap their arms in approval and hurl feces (the tomatoes of the ape world) at you. Maybe it’s time to rethink career choices.

Any more that you can think of?

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Dr. Heckle and Mr. Snide (Comments)

Last week at Chief Ike’s showcased many fine local comedians, but it also featured one obnoxiously drunk patron. While I don’t want to dwell on that incident for too long, I can say that I did not handle the situation well as the Host. It was just something I had not dealt with before and for one reason or another couldn’t smother that vodka fueled fire before it got out of hand. And it did.

It was a learning experience, most definitely.

I have dealt with drunk people in improv shows before. But they don’t interact so much during the show so much as they EXPLODE at the chance to throw out an suggestion at the top.

“DILDOS!! VAGINA!! DRINKING!! SARAH’S TITS!” and then proceed with the typical drunken laughter/snoring.

It was bound to happen for me during a stand-up show, too. Which makes me want to be more prepared for the future. How to do I handle someone like that on stage? How do I handle it as a host, booker, owner? Talking about it with a few folks, there seem to be some rules of engagement.

[Hit the jump for the rest of this "YOU SUCK!!".... post.]

1)The audiences enjoyment comes first. A heckler always undermines that, therefore your loyalty with the one patron ceases to exist.
2)You want to handle it first with grace, second with bluntness and third with a boot out the door.
3)There are different types of hecklers and some can be handled better than others.

Supposedly there are two types of hecklers. Both of them I assume are drunk. The first are those who think they are adding to the show:

“MY SISTER WENT TO GEORGE MASON!”
“Great, I didn’t ask. Shut the fuck up.”
“BUT SHE DID!”

Or the more abusive types, the ones who want to hurt you and the show:

“YOU SUCK! YOU ARE UNFUNNY!!BAHAHAHA”
“THANKS FOR COMING. Show him the door.”

Then there are those who don’t even know they are disrupting the show, the stereotypical LOUD drunks.

“I ALREADY ATE BEFORE THE SHOW!!! I DON’T WANT ANYTHING!!!!”

Do all these types of people need to be dealt with in the same way? I am really interested in what comics & improvisers have learned from their dealings with heckers. I still think it is some of the scariest shit out there. Hell, it’s St. Patrick Day. Share some drunken stories.

BONUS: Cool article on a heckler getting put in his place at a Comedians of Comedy show in NYC. COURTESY DEAD-FROG.COM

SUPER BONUS: Maria Bamford's latest episode.

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Boomer Sooner!!! ( A Tornado of Jokes)

This past weekend was one for the Books. I had a show in Norman, Oklahoma and had a reunion with 5 of my closest friends on the face of the Earth. Needless to say that I don't remember a lot of it, but thanks to photos I have memories. I won't talk about my reunion, but I'll blog about the show. Here we go...

I was nervous to perform in Oklahoma. Not because I didn't have faith in my material, but because I didn't have any faith in my material in that time zone. I know my jokes kill in Washington, DC and South Carolina, but was clueless as to whatSooners might find funny. I arrived in Norman on Thursday afternoon and until showtime on Friday night my performance weighed on me like a bag of doubt.

The Deli was the name of the venue that I played. I was opening up the band Galapagous, which my friend plays the keys for. The Deli isn't the most lavish of venues, but it's got heart and sometimes that's all you need. This was the first comedy show that this venue had ever had, and no one really knew howcomedy shows worked. So, I made sure that I had someone to bring me up and lay down some rules like "don't talk" and "pay attention" and "no cell phones". My friend "Crazy" Steve Baptist has a way with words so I asked him to bring me up. This is I got brought up: "If this guyaint ' funny...8-Balls for everyone!!!" That was the last thing out of his mouth. Do you know how much pressure you're under to be funny when the prize for your failure is free cocaine? I almost wanted me to fail just for the free blow. The street value of that 8-Ball would be more than what I got paid. (if you know the value of goodcocaine, then you know I didn't get paid much.)

I took the stage and talked about the free cocaine, the band for allowing me to open for them, and the lovely audience that came out early to hear live local stand-up comedy. That's the best feeling when people come out to support you, and they have never heard of you before. That's cool. I started off strong and kept it up the entire show. These people are in the middle of the plains and a lot of them have never even been to a live stand-up show before. It's an odd feeling to take someones live comedy cherry from them. Norman, Oklahoma I hope you enjoyed your virginity while you had it.

Everything was great up until my last joke. I started it and that's when this one guy felt it was time to inform me that I was Not Funny. He shouted out 3 times, so I took him up on his offer for conversation. He wanted me to know that he didn't want to say what he said, but felt he had to say it. I asked him why he didn't want to speak his mind in the middle of my show, and he responded with "causeI's tryin ' to be nice and didn't want to cause a problem." To which I responded, "and you are aware that that is exactly what you're doing now, right Sir?" I got a huge applause from the crowd, and finished my joke to laughter.

After the show I am taken aside by a guy who really enjoyed my show. I'm pretty sure he did because he kept shaking and holding my hand as he mumbled. He was Native American and loved me. He invited me to his house for a drum circle. I'm not making that part up. He invited me to beat on his tom tom's. So, just as Shakes to Much Hands was talking to me, the Heckler walks up to me. "Hey, you shouldn't make fun of god!" I reply, "I wasn't making fun of god, I was talking about people using god to advertise, especially Christians." Then he says, "You need to respect god, or you'll likely to your ass kicked!" I brushed him off and let it go, but Shakes to Much Hands didn't. He assured me in a mumble that he'd kick his ass long before he got to me. I like Native Americans. Why do ignorant Christians automatically turn to violence when they feel that their values are attacked? Becauseopenin' a big ol ' can of whoop ass is just what Christ would do. The main reason I'm not a Christian is because I don't want that guy on my team. If I had to go to Heaven and be surrounded by all of those people and NOT commit a sin against them, I'd go crazy.

This is how the rest of my trip went:
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