NO SOLLYS TONIGHT! NO LIVE HUMANS THIS WEEK

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Big Onion

The Following is from an Onion Article that was forwarded to me by a friend, in the email he asked, "Why should this article be funny?"...I wasn't sure what he was asking so I wrote what is after the article here in an attempt to make some sense of its inspiration. It ended up being a spec scene for Family Guy.

Crocodile Bites Off Bush's Arm
November 19, 2008 Issue 44•47
HOMESTEAD, FL—A 14-foot crocodile bit off President Bush's left arm at the shoulder Monday, a White House memo reported. Bush, who was reportedly standing waist-deep in a swamp at Everglades National Park when the crocodile struck, also sustained severe puncture wounds and torn flesh in his hip and upper thigh. According to witnesses, Bush attempted to fend off the large reptile with his left arm, but the crocodile latched onto it above the elbow, dragged the president underwater, and ripped his arm from its socket. Bush's severed arm was unable to be recovered. Doctors confirmed that he will be fitted with a prosthetic limb in a procedure Friday, and that he is currently being treated for sepsis. Bush is resting comfortably in Annapolis Naval Hospital

Int. Writers Meeting, Boardroom.

Top Writer: And this is why, I think that the story, "Crocodile 30 Rock", is both funny, topical and not only incorporates one of the hip television dramas but also incorporates political satire on the President's visit to Florida, thus upholding the long standing tradition of subtle social and political commentary that we here at the Onion do so well.

(Applause from other people in the room)

Our hero, meekly raises his hand

Top Writer: (to Hero) Yes?

Hero: I...I don't get it.

TW: Get what?

Hero: The story.

TW: Well if you will look at our "Groening Satire Manuel" it explains everything.

Hero: Oh

(people gather their stuff to exit meeting)

Hero meekly raises his hand

TW: Yes?

Hero: I still don't get it.

TW: What?

Robert Loggia seated at head writers chair

Loggia: What don't you get Josh?

Hero: Well this is a story about an aligator, tv show and the president

TW: Yes

Hero: Well couldn't it be just about the aligator?

TW: Its a crocodile, the title, "Crocodile 30 Rock" is also a play on an Elton John song

Hero: Well, ok then the crocodile and the president...I mean this is a story with all these pieces and well, I mean, whats fun about just recycling pop cultural references?

Robert Loggia looks interested, as do other members, including Elizabeth Perkins and Kevin Meany (in his only significant film role)

TW: It tested very well with our "Daily Show" test audience

Hero: I mean, couldn't the Crocodile just rip the President's arm off? Wouldn't that be funny?
And simple?

People start to get interested in the room

Hero: Yeah, and maybe talk about how the croc tried to get both arms but just had to settle on the one--

Some Guy: A comedy story about a crocodile that rips the president's arm off? That is funny.

Hero: Yeah and maybe the President is standing waist deep in water...

Kevin Meany: So the building turns into a bug?

Hero: Yeah, and we could have like fake medical reports and....

Top Writer (To Elizabeth Perkins type, with black-rim glasses): This just doesn't happen, you just doesn't come in and say, "Crocodile"....

Robert Loggia: Well done Josh, well done.

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Live Humans Tonight!

From Andy Rothwell:

Hey everyone,
This week we're at the Palace of Wonders again, with featured artist is EVAN SCOTT PEAVEY - you know it's gonna be good.
Also, I'm playing and showing some videos on Thursday night at Big Bear cafe (1st and R NW), in the Cheryl's Gone monthly reading and performance series (www.cherylsgone.com). Please come out if you're around. It starts at 8:00, I'll be on at either 8:30 or 9:00 - except if you can come, I wouldn't skip the other acts, I'm excited to see them.
Ok, hopefully see you.
Andy

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Anyone Relate?

"We work in the dark - we do what we can - we give what we have. Our doubt is our passion, and our passion is our task. The rest is the madness of art." — Henry James

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Shh...shh...Just Watch.

"He is the new Charles Nelson Rielly(sic). he knows how to tell an amusing story, or in this case, How to tell a story amusingly. That is basically his act. Telling a story, incident, observation, opinion in a theatrical manner."

Please tell me that no one pays attention to Youtube user comments. I went on there to look at some clips of Paul F. Tompkins, inspired by Ms. Aparna Nancherla's recent success opening for him and I find that comment above posted after one of Tompkin's clips.

Whats the equation? Anonymity + The Internet= Asshole.

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Woman Gets Pregnant, Barbara Walters Trips Over Own Tits, Grass Is Green

I don't understand this news story, just baffled. A woman who chose to take hormones so she could grow facial hair and have a baby is a news story. I have run across plenty of women with facial hair who have kids and none of its news worthy. But apparently its important to the media and this couple to push on with this whole charade so this newborn baby can have this moment later on down the road:

"I was born after my mother injected sperm from another man into my Dad’s vagina" August 2021 sometime around mid-night at summer camp.

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Comedy Spot, Ballston Mall this Friday!

FRI l NOV 14 l 8 & 10PM$15 l (R) l BUY TICKETS NOW RUNNING TIME 60 MINUTES

Horse & House is a four-man longform improv ensemble with a reputation for fast, physical, and wildly imaginative comedy performances. Armed with a single audience suggestion, Horse & House fires off 30 minutes of comedic scenes that ricochet around a central theme. Together the members of Horse & House have delighted crowds in their hometown of Washington, DC as well as New York City, Chicago, Toronto, Philadelphia, Charleston, and Baltimore.Cast: Dan Hodapp, Dan MacAvoy, Mark Pagan, Justin Purvis

With special guests!
8:00pm: Vic Speedboat . . . 10:00pm: Caveat

The members of Horse & House met at the Washington Improv Theater in Washington, DC as members of the ensemble Caveat. All of them have studied, taught and performed at WIT and individually, they have studied at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York City, and i.O. and Second City in Chicago. Now residing in DC, NYC and Chicago, the four play together as Horse & House, a traveling ensemble for special event shows.

WEEKLY SCHEDULE
FRIDAYS
ComedySportz8PM l $15 l PG
The Blue Show10PM l $15 l R
SATURDAYS
CSz 4 Kidz *3PM l $10 l PG
ComedySportz 7:30PM l $15 l PG
The Blue Show10PM l $15 l R
* see CALENDAR

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Get Famous or You Suck

From Gotcast.com: We are working with Kim Coles and Greg Proops on a "Standup Showcase" where our members submit their comedy routines for feedback from our celeb panel. The top10 videos are all guaranteed feedback and distribution to our friends at Abrams Agency in Los Angeles. And at least one of the videos will be featured on our homepage (over 100,000 members) and sent out to our industry mailer (over 2,000 producers, directors and casting directors). Follow this link: http://http://www.gotcast.com/casting-calls/Standup-Comedy-Showcase/52381




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I'm an Idiot

I always want to find a steal...the best steal I can remember ever getting was about 20 years ago trading baseball cards:

Manny Mota (1966 Topps) for Ricky Henderson (1980 Topps Rookie Card):

My pitch line for the blockbuster trade of the century: "This is a card that was made in the 1960's and Manny Mota is the all-time pinch hit leader"...which at the time I think he really was. My friend and neighbor, Matt M., two years my junior, ran inside right after the trade and asked his Dad what he thought. He never came back outside he just yelled from his townhouse door, "My dad said I can't trade cards no more!" and slammed the door. I slowly turned around, lifted the card over my head and proclaimed that I now was the "Greatest of All-time".

That trade then: Mota card was worth around $2, the Henderson card was being sold down at the local baseball card store for close to $100...today the Mota card is around the same price, while the Henderson card is being valued at $50...whatever it was worth I do not own it anymore...I blame beer and a lack of desire to work during college...shameful.

Anyway...I think the karma of that trade has lingered with me for a good portion of my life. I never get a good deal now, let alone a steal. The guilt lingers, I still over-tip on a bad haircut. Ok, I didn't exactly find a deal, I ripped off a little kid while...I too was a little kid. Ok, I ripped Matt off with the Mota for Henderson trade. I was 11 and he was 9. I had 4th and 5th grade on him, two substantial chunks of time and I was in middle school, which to a 9 year-old terms is pretty much Studio 54. I had insider information, Beckett Monthly, he had just learned to read. But he had his Dad but 25 steps away in the kitchen. He could of consulted him...my Dad, was miles away, loving some other family and some other son...ok, thats entirely not true, and I'll probably pay for that somewhere down the line too. But, no matter what I did was completely rip the kid off. I really did. In fact I think I giggled myself to sleep later on. In fact I know I did. It was the first thing out of my lips to anybody for like 3 months after that. Though I do remember too, that there were a couple of parents, who had nothing to do with either Me or Matt, take Matt side and one gave me a bit of a "pleasant" talking to, nothing harsh but a good'ole nudge to give Matt the card back. And I said I would, then I ran the other direction as fast and as far as I could which is an 11 year-old's way of shredding documents and wiping their hands clean of the situation.

Anyway, what inspired this memory was, yesterday I called about a 2 bedroom apartment on Mass Ave listed for $800 a month. I should of known better. I really didn't believe it but really deep down, I wanted it to be "Mota for Henderson" all over again. Until I got this email and "Googled" the Reverend's name:

Thanks for your email and it is my gladness to hearing from you.I amRev Simon Spalinger,the owner of the house you are making enquiryof.Actually I resided in the house with my family,such as my wife andmy only daugther before and resently we had packed due to my transferfrom my working place and now situated in New Jersey USA,andpresently my house is still available for rent for $800 per monthincluding the utilities like hydro,washer and security,it isurnised.Moreso Now, i went for a Crusade in the West Africa and i willlike you to get in touch with my wife for more discussionas She is with the keys and the document to the house.Pls i want youto note that,i am a kind and honest man and also i spent alot on myproperty that i want to give you for rent,so i will solicit for yourabsolute mentenance of this house and want you to treat it as yourown,is that taken,it is not the money the main problem but want you tokeep it tidy all the time so that i will be glad to see it neat when icame for a check up.i do that once in a while.I also want you to letme have trust in you as i always stand on my word.Where are youlocated and where do you see our advert.. Email my wife Sarah on (saraspalinger5467@gmail.com) she willattends to you better.God bless you Rev Simon Spalinger

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Live Humans Tonight!

From Andy Rothwell:

Hi everyone,

Tonight the featured artist at the LIVE HUMANS IN DC open mic is ADRIAN KRYGOWSKI (www.myspace.com/thedifferentsdc). It's at the Palace of Wonders, 7:30.
Next week it's there too, with featured artist EVAN SCOTT PEAVEY. Then a week off right before Thanksgiving, and a bunch more at the Palace in December.
Hopefully see you!-Andy

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The Above Video

I really feel for anyone who "bombs", especially someone that wants to do well so badly. The above video I found today while lazily rolling along through Youtube. Apparently the video has been out for awhile and I am always late on these things, but I've watched it 3 times so far all the way through and my favorite part is the very end. Check out the young guy's posture and demeanor as the lead anchor takes over at the very end, the anchor thanks him for the update, and the guy gives him a heavy, "Yeah"--it says so much.

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DCComedy4Now is going to call it at 10:12 pm...

Ahead of Fox, ahead of NBC, ABC, CBS, MSNBC, and CNN, is going to name Barack Obama, the next President, the 44th, of the United States of America. DCComedy4now, is your trusted news source on election coverage.

Congrats!

Making fun of Republicans gets pretty old...
And while I'm enjoying the some of the Obama impersonations, my prediction is that the Joe Biden impersonation, along with just the man's general personality, is going to take hold. I am interested to see what kind of shift there will be on the landscape of political humor, hopefully it will move beyond the race of President-elect Obama.

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Hello? Oh, hey, yeah...yeah...yeah, I'm an asshole.

Washington DC is supposed to be a city of learned people. In fact, it is a city known for people who have very expensive educations who sacrifice high-paying jobs to work in non-profits in an effort to help out their fellow man.

So with all this education, with all these people thinking for people other than themselves, why have people not learned that nobody wants to hear their fucking cell phone conversation.

I still can't believe this goes on, daily, like it does. Cell phones have been around long enough, you ask anyone with one about the etiquette of using one and they would tell you that there is a time and a place to use it. I thought being an idiot on your cell-phone would be looked at like farting aloud in a room full of strangers by now. You'd think nobody would want to be "that person".

This is a tired topic. Its a fucking cliche that I am even writing about it.

So, I'll make it short, if you ride the D2 bus between Glover Park and Dupont and you just cannot wait, cannot possibly wait and just goooottta have that phone conversation, well then let me at least introduce myself: I'm the creepy one, staring, burning a hole in your forehead, making everything awkward. My name is Mike, when you get off the phone can we talk?

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BEGINNING NEOFUTURISM

At The Woolly Mammoth Theater Company in downtown Washington DC
instructor: John Pierson of The Neo-Futurists
One session: Saturday, Jan 3, 12 – 4pm

The Chicago-based NEO-FUTURISTS are renowned for their engaging, immediate, truthful, and highly entertaining Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind. The success of their work stems from the ensemble’s ability to pull uniquely individual material from their own lives and mold it into universally accessible art. In this workshop you will learn the exercises and philosophies behind creating, writing, performing, and directing immediate theatre based on your own life. This class provides specific acting techniques and an opportunity to write and perform pieces for the other workshop students.

Note: This course is for intermediate to advanced level actors.

John Pierson has been a Neo-Futurist for eleven years. He is also known as John Jughead Pierson, the founding member of the legendary punk band Screeching Weasel and the revolutionary acoustic punk band Even In Blackouts. Under another pseudonym, Ian Pierce, he has written, produced and published over 20 plays and one novel, Weasels In A Box.

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Homegrown Comedy

NOVEMBER 7th

The DC Improv proudly presents "Homegrown Comedy", the monthly comedy series featuring the rising talent of local comedians in Washington, DC. Over the past five years, the Improv has supported local comedy with local talent showcases and comedy competitions. In the spirit of those shows, "Homegrown Comedy" will feature some of the best amateurs and local professional comics Washington, DC has to offer.

Homegrown Comedy is a way for the DC Improv to showcase its local talent and for local talent to be seen by the DC Improv. Each show will feature seven comedians performing tight 8 minute sets. It's a great opportunity for people to come check out Washington's next comedy stars and more importantly, laugh! November 7th Line-Up:

Hosted by: Mike Way

Kojo Mante, Mike Eltringham, Matt Sapsford, Keith Irvin, Lisa Fine, Tim Miller, and Brian Parise

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Aye...

Well whats going on DC Comedy Scene?!
We've been busy over here at the DCComedy4now offices, really busy...really, really busy.

Take note of the new open-mic off to the right side of the page at the Mad Hatter off of 19th and M on Wednesdays.

NO open-mic at Chief Ikes tonight because of the Redskins-Steelers game.

So being the last schmuck over at the DCComedy4now offices I've gotten behind in my work of keeping up the place. Lets face it, its not the liveliest of places to walk into each morning.

Keep an eye out for the upcoming up performances:

-Bill Burr this week at the DC Improv
-Erin Jackson, Rob Maher, and Ryan Conner at the DC Improv November 15th
-DC Improv, Washington Improv Theater and Comedy Sports (Ballston Mall in Virginia) are going to be starting their new semesters for classes very soon!

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