Nick Turner Says: Use comedy to excuse your shitty life!

(photo by Aaron Webb)

Now, we all know that comedians are the scum of the earth, yet every time you tell someone that you're a comedian you somehow get treated better than you did mere seconds before the revelation. Why is this? Because people haven't seen your act yet. It's that simple. You suck, you know it, but they have no idea until they see it for themselves. This window from when they first hear that you're a comedian until they first see you bomb is what I call the "sweet spot." But the good news is that the assholes at your office aren't the only ones who can be tricked into thinking you're not a loser. You can trick yourself, too! Here are a few helpful delusions that can put you on the path to not slitting your wrists after you've made the terrible, terrible decision to pursue comedy.

Delusion #1: It's fine that you're a 27-year-old receptionist/college dropout because at night, you make people laugh! You aren't just the guy answering phones for the people with degrees/wives/kids/money/lives because almost 8 people will be forced to hear your thoughts on the MySpace revolution tonight. Who IS this Tom guy, anyway?

Delusion #2: You aren't watching too much television; you're doing research! How are people gonna know that I detest Rock of Love, unless I watch Rock of Love, and then tell you guys how much I didn't enjoy watching Rock of Love while setting my Tivo to record the most intense elimination round yet on Rock of Love?

Delusion #3: I have tons of friends because everyone says hi to me at open mics! Those people definitely aren't just saying hi because they're nice, and I'm standing in front of the sign up sheet. They are my friends. They could be anywhere tonight but chose to be here because they know that I'm probably gonna have a pretty sweet joke about the final four. The black teams did better than the white teams!

Delusion #4: I would be getting laid tonight if it weren't for the fact that I had a show! Well, I mean, I don't have a show per se, but I do have to go to a show. Well, I guess I don't HAVE to go to a show, but I really want to check out Flip Orley at the Improv because then I can figure out how to get a stand up comedy career without actually doing stand up comedy!

Delusion #5: I'm gonna make it one day!

Do guys have any delusions that you use to help yourselves get through the day? Let me know in the comments because everyone is definitely gonna read the comments, and it will be worth the time spent writing them.

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Bill Burr, I apologize....

....I did not stay to see your set. Why? Because your feature act, Mike Metz, was horribly deplorable.

After all I have heard about Bill Burr and watching his now notorious rant against the Philly Crowd on the Traveling Virus Tour, I was waiting for some no-holds barred style of comedy. What I had to do instead was wade through a bunch of shit jokes ripped straight from 1986. Seriously, this was one I remember.

"I am sitting on the couch this weekend, watching the Skins game. My woman comes over to me, sits down, takes the beer out of my hand, mutes the TV then turns to me and asks 'Honey, what scares you the most?'. I replied 'More than missing the rest of the football game?'

HARDEY HAR HAR.

This is after about 10 minutes on DC monuments and how the Washington Monument should have a robot GW come out the top and throw candy at tourists.

Why have a guy like this as a feature act(Bryson Turner was hosting and doing a damn fine job of it) when all he will do is completely kill the momentum that Bryson has set up for you and the headliner's acts? He must be a local comedian who was owed some sort of favor by either Bill Burr or the DC Improv. I just can't believe he would have gotten on there with the set I saw.

I mean try to google the guy. You can't, there is nothing on him.

So, my apoligies to Bill Burr. I would of liked to see your act but Mike Metz bored me to tears. Bryson Turner should of done an hour. Read more!

"Beaners can swim, Asians are smart, & Blacks got big dicks." BRAVO CARLOS!!! Give us another one...

The only way I could have been more disappointed in last nights Carlos Mencia show at the DC Improv, was that if I had actually had to pay $35 for the ticket. It was a great night for stereotypes last night. Last night I found out that Asians are smart, Pacific Islanders are "AsianNiggas ", Mexicans wont shoot you, but they will stab you, White people are uptight and out of people to fuck with, and so much more. Thank you Carlos for educating the ignorant masses about ignorance. Where would simple minds be without you reinforcing their already stupid logic. I don't know why anyone would buy a ticket to see CarlosMencia perform, because Fox News is just as racist and positively reinforces stereotypes just as much.

And let me explain myself. I don't give a shit if he says "nigga", "beaner", "faggot", or "chink". It doesn't bother me, because the context of those words are what's really important. And while he's not up on stage spewing hatred and forming a lynch mob, he is just constantly saying the most obvious, stereotypical racial jokes. I'm constantly amazed that people can sit and be entertained by someone saying, "You know that VA Tech school shooter wasn't a Mexican because it takes good grades to get into that school. I knew he was Asian." (Laughtererupts & my heart breaks). And I was shocked to see so much white trash at the show last night. There was a lot of Waldorf, MD and Bull Run, VA in the show. And you could just see the smirk on their face as they walked to the bathroom thinking, "It's funny cause it's true. You know them Mexicans ain't smart enough to get into VA Tech." So, even if Carlos does have a fucking "point" behind his comedy it's tragically missed by the overwhelming amount of fucking morons who enjoy his comedy. It's a Dane CookVicious Circle Cycle. Actually, it does bother me that he gets to drop the N Bomb. I just don't get that at all; I'm not jealous that he actually gets to say it, it just blows my mind that he gets away with it because he's Sunset Tan tan.

"But, he's a great entertainer." Yeah, so is dog catching a frisbee in it's mouth, but it doesn't belong in a fucking comedy club. A comedy club to me is a place where you go to have your mind challenged, not played down to to it's lowest common factor.

The biggest shock of the night was when he compared himself to Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, & Dave Chappelle when speaking of racial humor. My jaw hit the floor. Richard Pryor, Chris Rock, and Dave Chappelle are flawless diamonds of constructing racial humor, and Carlos's tries to pass his cubixzerconium, glass knock off brand style of comedy off as Great or Classic. Fuck That!

Also, he sells t-shirts after the show that say "Dee Dee Dee" and "The Punisher of Comedy". Ryan Conner made a good point by saying, "John Pinnett should be mad at that since he played the Punisher and he's a better comedian." Read more!

Bad YouTube Comedy Monday

This guy missed a great opportunity to be the most cutting-edge comic in Washington D.C. by telling these hackney'ed jokes. Instead, still dressed as Abe Lincoln, he should be telling the worst racists jokes of all time just one after another. Read more!