Nick Turner Says: Use comedy to excuse your shitty life!

(photo by Aaron Webb)

Now, we all know that comedians are the scum of the earth, yet every time you tell someone that you're a comedian you somehow get treated better than you did mere seconds before the revelation. Why is this? Because people haven't seen your act yet. It's that simple. You suck, you know it, but they have no idea until they see it for themselves. This window from when they first hear that you're a comedian until they first see you bomb is what I call the "sweet spot." But the good news is that the assholes at your office aren't the only ones who can be tricked into thinking you're not a loser. You can trick yourself, too! Here are a few helpful delusions that can put you on the path to not slitting your wrists after you've made the terrible, terrible decision to pursue comedy.

Delusion #1: It's fine that you're a 27-year-old receptionist/college dropout because at night, you make people laugh! You aren't just the guy answering phones for the people with degrees/wives/kids/money/lives because almost 8 people will be forced to hear your thoughts on the MySpace revolution tonight. Who IS this Tom guy, anyway?

Delusion #2: You aren't watching too much television; you're doing research! How are people gonna know that I detest Rock of Love, unless I watch Rock of Love, and then tell you guys how much I didn't enjoy watching Rock of Love while setting my Tivo to record the most intense elimination round yet on Rock of Love?

Delusion #3: I have tons of friends because everyone says hi to me at open mics! Those people definitely aren't just saying hi because they're nice, and I'm standing in front of the sign up sheet. They are my friends. They could be anywhere tonight but chose to be here because they know that I'm probably gonna have a pretty sweet joke about the final four. The black teams did better than the white teams!

Delusion #4: I would be getting laid tonight if it weren't for the fact that I had a show! Well, I mean, I don't have a show per se, but I do have to go to a show. Well, I guess I don't HAVE to go to a show, but I really want to check out Flip Orley at the Improv because then I can figure out how to get a stand up comedy career without actually doing stand up comedy!

Delusion #5: I'm gonna make it one day!

Do guys have any delusions that you use to help yourselves get through the day? Let me know in the comments because everyone is definitely gonna read the comments, and it will be worth the time spent writing them.