The Holiday Season's Three Wise Men

December 9th: Illinois Governor, Rob Blagojevich (pictured middle), was arrested by the FBI on conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud as well as solicitation of bribery. Blagojevich was caught on tape (with the same inflection Alec Baldwin uses to talk to his own daughter) talking about what he wanted in exchange for President-Elect Obama's Illinois Senatorial seat. In the best interest for himself and himself, he has decided to not resign.

Blagojevich Gets Warm and Fuzzy this Time of Year: During a wiretapped phone call, a frustrated and financially strapped Blagojevich referred to Obama as a "motherfucker" and said that he would not appoint an ally of the President-elect to the Senate vacancy if "I don't get anything." Referring to Obama, Blagojevich exclaimed, "Fuck him. For nothing? Fuck him." *thesmoking gun.com

December 11th: Bernard Madoff (top) arrested for securities fraud, in the simplest terms, he was running a 50 billion dollar Ponzi Scheme. Give me a $100 bucks in 30 days I'll give you a $150--tell your friends and eventually I'll use the money that your friends are giving me to give to you, etc....this from the Mike Damone, "Fast Times at Ridgemont High", School of Finances.

Holiday Cheer from Madoff (regarding his now defunct business): "It was all one big lie". New York Magazine

December 30th: Former Tennessee GOP Chairman, Chip Saltsman (pictured bottom), was in a competitive race for the national party chairmanship until he sent GOP committee members a Christmas CD that contained the parody song "Barack the Magic Negro."

Holiday Good Tidings from Saltsman: "Is anyone interested in David Alan Coe tickets"? Read more!

Free “Intro to Improv” Workshops

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be able to speak and act with spontaneity, confidence and humor without a second thought? Improv gives you the tools to get yourself out of bad situations and into awesome ones. These free, low-stress workshops focus on creativity, communications and teamwork and are taught by our enthusiastic and professional instructors who establish a fun and trusting atmosphere.

Free Intro to Improv Workshops:

Monday Jan 5 7:00 – 9:00pm

Tuesday Jan 6 7:00 – 9:00pm

Wednesday Jan 7 7:00 – 9:00pm

Thursday Jan 8 7:00 – 9:00pm

Sunday Jan 11 7:00 – 9:00pm

Location: The Children’s Studio School at 1301 V St NW is located at the corner of 13^th and V Sts, NW - one block north of U Street-Cardozo Metro Station (13^th Street exit).

Info/registration: topher@washingtonimprovtheater.com or 202-204-7772

Also:

WIT’s Winter Class Session begin January 12^th

Introductory class sections on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Sunday at 7:00 PM – 9:30 PM.

Location: The Children’s Studio School at 1301 V St NW is located at the Children’s Studio School at 1301 V St NW

Cost: $240, with a $20 discount for early registration.

Go to washingtonimprovtheater.com to browse courses or register.

WASHINGTONIMPROVTHEATER

Topher Bellavia | Managing Director

Topher@WashingtonImprovTheater.com

TEL 202.204.7772

www.washingtonimprovtheater.com

1835 14th Street, NW Washington, DC 20009

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Auditions for Hexagon 2009: What So Proudly We Bailed

Hey everyone, In case any of you are interested... I was in the Hexagon (Satirical political revue) show here in DC last year, and now I'm writing coordinator this year. I can say without reservation that the show this year, as far as the material goes, is several heads above any other Hexagon variety show. and given a quality cast, will be an incredible show that I can't wait to work on. Please see below for an email from my friend Mel talking about auditions!

Tyler

Details are: Hexagon is seeking singers, dancers, actors and impersonators for Washington's only original, political, satirical, musical comedy review. Auditions will be held at 4233A West Howard Avenue, Kensington, MD 20895 on Saturday and Sunday, January 3 and 4 (noon-5PM), and Monday, January 5 (7-10PM). Please prepare 16 bars of music and a short monologue and come dressed to dance. We are looking to cast 20-25 adults of all ages.

Rehearsals start on Wednesday, January 7 and continue through Thursday, March 5. The schedule is Monday-Thursday nights, and Saturday/Sunday as needed. All rehearsals will be held in Kensington until we move into our venue on February 22. Shows begin Friday, March 6 and run Wednesday-Saturday nights and Sunday matinees until Saturday, April 4. Website: http://www.hexagon.org/

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Top 10 Christmas Movies of All-Time

Its a Wonderful Life--George Bailey drinks himself into a parallel dimension in order to avoid being arrested for embezzlement from his bank. While transversing through altered dimensions, he is reminded that if your going to commit white collar crime learn how to live a life where no one notices a single thing you do, to the point where they doubt you even exist. Bailey thinks he returns to third dimension but actually returned to the 133rd where people wish each other Merry Christmas by storming into each other's house plopping down what little money they have in hopes that you will give it right back to them.

Miracle 34th Street--The real Santa Clause, acting on account of jealous rage, exposes the drinking problem of the Macy's imitation Santa. Things are going as planned until it was revealed that while he may act and look like the real Santa, he may have gone through private personnel files of Macy employees to expose the other Santa. No matter whether the fake-Santa was "naughty or nice", Claus's actions were illegal and he arrested and put on trial. Eventually, it is discovered he is the real Santa Claus where he is promptly arrested, detained, and charged with 324 billion counts of "Breaking and Entering".

Bad Santa: Billy Bob Thorton experiences a change of heart for the world through robbing department stores and sodomizing women in dressing rooms.

A Christmas Story: Two maniacally passive-aggressive parents keep their children in line by conducting their child rearing through various acts of bizarre behavior, including: 1.) The father threatening to leave their mother for lamp in the shape of woman's leg, 2.) Having their oldest child suck on a bar of soap for saying, "fudge", 3.) Trying to slowly suffocate their youngest one with his own winter clothing 4.) Planting the seeds of a self-fulfilling prophecy ("you'll shoot your eye out") in their oldest son's, Ralph, psyche with his most precious desire, a BB gun, until he is able to do so, 5.) Taking them to a Chinese restaurant on Christmas Day and forcing them to watch the beheading of a duck.

The Grinch that Stole Christmas: A green baby turd runs off with a town's presents and toys the night before Christmas while befriending a small child. This classic was actually the mega-company “Johnson and Johnson's” first attempt at using a visual media to help parents potty-train their small children.

Christmas Vacation: Chevy Chase, in his most complex role ever, stars as a deeply troubled man who becomes intoxicated with materialism and falls victim to an obsession for a swimming pool. When he realizes he will fall short, he starts to act out by electrocuting his mother-in-law’s cat, attempting suicide on a sled in front of his children, and finally ordering the kidnapping and execution of his boss. He was nominated for both a Golden Globe and Academy Award.

Home Alone: A husband and wife realize they have left their son Kevin, “Home Alone” while traveling to Paris. They face multiple charges of child abuse and neglect, so the mother, Kathleen O'Hara, hires two men to go inside their house and kill their son to rid themselves of any evidence of ever having a son, “Kevin”. However, O'hara, who suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, has to leave Paris, to go home and make sure the job is done correctly and also to flush the toilet 49 times all the while comedic holiday-hilarity ensues.

White Christmas: An instructional video in the genre of a dramatization, Bing Crosby details his plan of world domination through the commercialization of Christmas and his plans for the future of the "Master Race".

Scrooged: Bill Murray wakes up every day to the same recycled Christmas story, "A Christmas Carol", over and over again until he finds the true meaning of his career by having a "miracle" running-into with film director Wes Anderson.

Loose Change or Zeitgeist: Biggest Christmas present any of us will ever recieve: the truth. You’re welcome. Now wake-up you sleeping sheep, the manger is not controlled by the "Inn Keeper".

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Locations, Locations, Locations

Anyone else shooting any sort of short or anything for the web? The well is running dry with my current project as far as locales that are in my immediate social circle. Well, I'll ask the 7 of you, if you know of anybody that has the following, I'm looking to shoot some footage (In fact if you know of or have access to a place that is quirky and unique that would be cool too):

• Office, preferably one with a front desk/waiting area


• Restaurant, the more upscale the better


• Auditorium


• Inside of any airplane


• Apartment or any place with a roof-top view of Washington, D.C.

That's about it for now...oh, yeah and I have no money. But I'm willing to bargain for some sort of exchange be it advertising the establishment or whatever you might have in mind--even if its dirty.

*Is this picture misleading? I think, but its cool and edgy. That's what happens when you surf Google Images wearing a beret.

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Oldie But A Goodie

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Yes, Revernend, I'll Get You the Money

Every time I fall for this scam, well read the ad with hope, I hear Eddie Murphy's character from "Coming to America". The same guy that is doing this scam is also sending you emails about your new and plentiful savings account in Mozambique. I was suspicious this time right off the bat. However, I am still a fool and inquired anyway but got pretty much the same response last time. The add this time was for 2 bedrooms, in Cathedral Apartments for $1000, and then in the ad it went to $1300...here it is:

ADDRESS :1001 L Street NW, Washington, DC Region: Northwest Bedrooms: 2 Bedrooms Bathrooms:1 Bathrooms Price: $1300.00/MonthLease Term: as Long as you which Deposit: $1300.00.refundable.Application Fee: $0.00

Highlights from the Ad:
The letter from the man:

"It is a great pleasure that you are interested in my house...Thanks for your email and it is my gladness hearing from you.I am Rev.Matthew Zablub,the owner of the family home you are making enquiry of.I and my wife and our 15 years son are presently in West Africa working in an AIDS orphanage with missionaries from our chruch.as the lord says in his word(matt 24:14 and this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in all the world as a witness to all the nations,and then the end will come)so i hope you will solicit to take very good care of the house and maintain it,so we can be rest assured that we finally found a caring one to take good care of our house do it like just your own.So get back to me on how you could take care of our house. perhaps, to examine the experience you have in renting homes. Hope you are okay with the price of $1300(per month) with hydro,heat laundry facilities,washer,heat air condition,Dryer and so on"
Also it asks:
IF YOU HAVE A PET,NAME OF PET: _____________
HABITS DO YOU SMOKE? ______________ DO YOU DRINK? ______________ DO YOU WORK LATE NIGHT? ___

What people can do to prevent themselves from getting scammed by this little operation:

1.) Keep your head free from the inside of your ass while looking for apartments

2.) Know, that you will only get a studio apartment for under $1000 in Washington DC; and a 1 bedroom, with the square footage of a matchbox is going to start out at $1500 (cheapest).

3.) Know the signature voice of these ads: (I love this guy's attempt to deliberately sound like someone who speaks and writes broken English) "It is a great pleasure that you are interested in my house...Thanks for your email and it is my gladness hearing from you.I am Rev.Matthew Zablub,the owner of the family home you are making enquiry of."

Do people outside of America not use spaces between periods and the start of a new sentence?

Notes to Scam Artist:

1.) You're going to need to change-up the game plan here, start asking for more money. Refundable deposit? Who does that? Go non-refundable deposit. The prices you are listing are too good to be true. Let’s just shoot for a cool $2000, maybe even $3000. Shit, DC is full of jaggoffs that will pay this kind of money for an unreasonably small apartment, not only will the price seem more realistic but you're going to make more money in the end. You may even want to test the waters of the $4,000-$5000 range.

2.) Quit the "Coming to America" act, its tired an insulting to Africans. If you want to be insulting and successful, make it a Reverend from West Virginia who is going to go to "The Africa" to work with "The AIDS".

3.) The quote from the Bible too is a bit of a turn off. Nothing to do with the religion itself but the type of person who would put something like that in the ad, is more than likely a real Ned Flanders, a "sticklier-stickler do" to the rules, no leeway on a party that went too late, a friend that needed to crash a week or two, or won't even split the half-a-million dollars that we could have earned by subletting the apartment for this ridiculous inauguration. I see [that] in an add and I get the same dull thud in the gut of my soul, similar to when someone announces that "we're all going to this Christmas Craft's store first, before we head home".

4.) There are too many amenities for the price, its too perfect. Again jack-up the rent, and tell them that there is a lovely laundry mat via the Red-Line to the Orange/Blue Line at the GW Foggy Bottom stop where you can share laundry facilities with the most expensive university in the country.

5.) Really, you need the "Name of Pet"...I guess you're a reverend and all, don't want to see everything be peachy with the application, then only to find out that the cocker-spaniel's name, is "Tiny Hole".

6.) Smoking fine, understand...drinking, ok, I get it, you're playing the religious end. But do you work "late at night", you went too far, you passed naive and innocent went straight to moronically creepy/"what the fuck is it any of your business, I'll get you the rent"/over-doing it.

7.) Finally, learn from you "Banking" and "Lotto" cousins, you all are just being too ingratiating. You need to be more curt, mysterious, or maybe even trying being pricks. Like:

"Apt. Massachusetts Ave., $800 a Month"

"Hi, I saw the posting regarding the apartment; I would like to set up an appointment to come see the place"

(5 weeks later)

"Sure, what time?"

You can't seem so desperate, like me when I saw the ad.

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LIVE HUMANS at PALACE OF WONDERS

TYLER SONNICHSEN tomorrow, and TIM AND RACHEL BURNS next tuesday, all at the Palace of Wonders.

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I Can't Stop Watching This Clip

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Washington Improv Theater Holiday Show Run Starts Tonight!

Whether you love or loathe the holiday season, there's nothing you can do to stop it.
Traditions abound; the lights, the decorations, the shopping and WIT's seventh run of its smash hit show, "Seasonal Disorder". But that's not all that's waiting under the tree this year... all of WIT's troupes are ready to reveal the good, the bad and the ugly behind your favorite holiday celebrations with brand new slate of seasonal shows.
If you're tired of the "Nutcracker" and "A Christmas Carol" and need a good laugh just to get through December alive, WIT has just the right present for you.

Seasonal Disorder
Fri/Sat 8:00 12.6 - 12.27 $15 Buy tickets
Your extended family, distant friends, your teenage nephew who likes "emo" - they're all invited, and you can't turn them away because it's the holidays.... [ more ]

An iMusical Christmas
Sat 9:30 12.6 - 12.27 $15 Buy tickets
Every Friday night in December, WIT will be tickling your funny bone with "An iMusical Christmas," in which some of your favorite members members from iMusical... [ more ]

Caveat's Rockin' Eve!
Saturdays 9:30 12.6 - 12.27 $15 Buy tickets
2008 is on its way out the door, and this year Cavet is just the troupe to say the goodbyes! Bring your potential New Year's resolutions with you and watch... [ more ]

How the JINX Saved Christmas
Saturdays 9:30 12.6 - 12.27 $15 Buy tickets
Your little brother, Jimmy's only Holiday Wish is to have a new frisbee. Sounds like a piece of cake for you and a buddy to accomplish, right? [ more ]

Jackie Presents: The Miracle
Saturdays 9:30 12.6 - 12.27 $15 Buy tickets
Great moments are born from great opportunity. It's that time of year again. That's right - Hockey season! Hockey season invariably drums up memories of the triumphant 1980... [ more ]

An iMusical Christmas Matinee
Sat 2:00 12.21 - 12.27 $10 Buy tickets
For the last two Saturdays in December, WIT will be tickling your funny bone with special matinee shows of "An iMusical Christmas,"... [ more ]

DMG: HOLIDAY TRANSITION TEAM
Thursdays 8:00 12.4 - 12.18 $10 Buy tickets
DMG kicks out the cobwebs of holidays past and builds the holiday of the future... [ more ]

Vic Speedboat: Worst. Holiday. Ever.
Thursdays 8:00 12.4 - 12.18 $10 Buy tickets
A new bicycle. Meeting Santa for the first time. Having the whole family together at Pop-Pop's log cabin. These are your favorite holiday memories... OR ARE THEY? [ more ]

Season Sixmas
Thursdays 8:00 12.4 - 12.18 $10 Buy tickets
Close your eyes and think back to the best Christmas you ever had. Look a little closer and you'll see in the background the gang from Season Six, arm in arm with Santa... [ more ]

Improv Jam
Thursdays 8:00 12.4 - 12.18 $10 Buy tickets
Why keep all the fun to yourself? WIT is proud to present its ongoing series of Improv Jams - by the people, for the people. If you've been dying to get... [ more ]

The Lodge
Saturday 11:00 12.6, 12.13, 12.27 $5 Buy tickets
Founded on an audience suggestion, a secret society is born and the performers create a show exposing the secret rituals of this new society, its double dealings... [ more ]

Rich Spain
Saturday 11:00 12.6, 12.27 $5 Buy tickets
Let's be honest, you're life needs some direction. Rich Spain wants to help. The best selling author of the self-help book, "A New You for You and Me Too!"... [ more ]

Deuce
Saturday 11:00 12.6 $5 Buy tickets
Long time roommates and improvisers, Greg Pokusa and Patrick Gantz return for one night only to drop another load of their signature two man show... [ more ]

Mythical Newsroom
Saturday 11:00 12.13 $5 Buy tickets
Mythical Newsroom gets the hard facts when Bigfoot, or any of his relatives, comes to town for the holidays.
Mythical Newsroom: Fairy and balanced... [ more ]

Bullsh*t Holidays
Saturday 11:00 12.13 $5 Buy tickets
Bullsh*t has seeped out of its nine-to-five constraints and crept into the holidays. For one doomed-to-be special night, Mikael Johnson and Patrick Gantz focus... [ more ]

Reindeer Games
Saturday 11:00 12.20 $5 Buy tickets
WIT players of the past and present unite to perform in this new holiday show staple. Performing as elves and reindeer, the cast goes behind Santa's back to show the nuanced lives... [ more ]

SPAM FOLDER
Saturday 11:00 12.27 $5 Buy tickets
Alone again this holiday season? We understand. Hi. We're your spam and we're here to make you feel attractive, desired and unique this holiday season. Us, lonely? [ more ]

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Addendum

I really didn't want to get into a back and forth over in the comment section. Mike, Jake, I appreciate your comments; it made me think a bit more. Justin, there are no arguments to make. There is nothing to discuss. Though, I’m about to make an argument and discuss it at length.

I'll be the first one to admit, that when it comes to provoking posts on this blog, I lack more balls than ice hockey; and maybe it’s because my analogies are terrible that I retract from doing so. But here we go.

Before I became this blog's lone contributor, I made a modicum of additions to it but mainly was a reader. I was really pleased when I moved back to DC to see Jason Saenz and Nick Turner really pounding the pavement along with the keyboards to get things going for themselves and others in the DC comedy scene. However, my one beef with the blog was the negativity and the bickering back and forth. My great dear friend and fellow performer, Jason, I could have slapped upside the head for his blog regarding Mike Metz (see: Sorry Bill Burr) in which he detailed how he couldn't stomach the opening-act and left before Burr took the stage. It sounded out of character for Jason but was becoming the typical tone of the blogging. Then there was all the venom spilled out over: is DC a place for open-mics, or what people are not doing, this guy is an ass, Nick Turner sucks, shut-up Blejer, etc.. There is place for negative stances/vents but it was just becoming repetitive, there was no discourse just idiocy. It was a blog that was doing nothing for the community but hurt it, in fact embarrass itself. The blog had just become one big typical Youtube comment section. Add the all the spite regarding the DC Comedy Festival and we just continued to sound like an unproductive whiney community. So as I gradually was passed over the duties of the blog, I deliberately took it in another direction. Everything, for the most part, has been soft and fluffy. However, I did invite people to contribute to the blog via posts, email and in public. And what I got back was just above nil. And honestly though, I didn't care, I do a bit more now--but not much. If anything, it reaffirms the reasons people move out of the town to pursue comedy elsewhere.

The point remains the same, you want to know what is wrong with the DC Comedy scene? Get up right now and go look in the mirror. Until we are under direct threat from the likes of the Stasi, it will always be the case. There is never a lack of demand for comedy. People never want to go out for the evening and not laugh and not be entertained. For fuck sake, that is what America is turning into, a country whose prime contribution to the world economy is LIESURE.

Not getting enough time for an open-mic, that's your problem. The guy that hasn’t gotten a laugh for 3 years but continues to pursue comedy annoys the fucking shit out of you? Your problem. Riding the improv class system with the most annoying person on the planet? Your problem. Not enough open-mics? Your problem. Audience didn't laugh, that's your problem. You crush every time. Your problem. Got a spot on the "Tonight Show", that’s your problem. Rolling in money, it’s on you. Can't think of an idea to write about, it’s on you. Got too many ideas? It’s on you. Whether the DC scene sinks through the sewer or blasts through the crotch of Richard Pryor in heaven, the responsibility is yours to take care of it. The responsibility to do, write, watch, see, read, listen to comedy is always your problem.

That’s really end of story.

If you need help along the way, get it. Make some good friends and be a decent individual that people want to work with on a regular basis. If things really start to get hard, take somebody aside that you trust and ask them,

“What are my delusions?”

The paragraph in yesterday's post about challenging the audience was a subject that I really wanted to write more about. Topics like: Rape, Homelessness, AIDS, Cancer, and Abortion better be fucking funny. There is also a ton of elitism going on right now, the homeless, poverty stricken, people born into any unfortunate circumstance, get the living shit kicked out of them at some local shows that I have been to over the years. No subject is taboo but are you really being edgy or just an asshole? The comics that you’ve heard get away with it, through fame and fortune, have earned their audience. You start taking on topics that are sensitive, have a stance, have a perspective about the injustices. You want to be George Carlin, listen to George Carlin's old interviews, what did he want when he took on a sensitive topic? Justice. You are not challenging the audience when you rip into those who do not have a voice.

At Chief Ike’s one night with the usual 4 audience members , I watched a comic pick on a guy with one-good eye in the audience, the audience member was wearing an eye-patch, and after he got off stage, the next comic came up and congratulated him for the funny observations. Maybe I don't get it. Was the guy wearing the eye-patch heckling or saying anything? No, he was watching the show, in fact he was a comic that stuck around to watch the other sets. Wonderful, great vibe we created there. Unless it is a show lets say at the Apollo or the stage has chicken wire in front of it, leave the audience alone. If something happens, you have to call the moment, or you're enduring heckling, by all means, go for it.

Maybe I don't get it. Fine. The "Cringe Stuff", the outrageous stuff, can be funny; but you have to earn the audience's approval. It may work in New York, but remember this is Washington D.C. where your PC audience member just got off their job at the Non-profit International Institute for Peace, squeezed in their yoga class before an organic dinner from Whole Foods with their best gay friend so they would still have time to buy some gum at CVS, with a 20, so they would have change to give to the 3 or 4 homeless people they would pass on the way to your show. Over-generalization? Yeah. But something to keep in mind. And yes, I know--thats my problem.

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DC Comedy Scene, This Blog, Declares Recession

And just like our country's own economy, the comedy scene, along with this very blog, has been mired in the recession for over a year before anything was ever declared. The chief difference between this comedic recession and the one taking place in the economy is that the Commander-in-Chief of our country takes blame in one (monetary) while helping reduce the other recession (comedic). Top analysts point to the perpetual outsourcing of talent and jobs to New York and Los Angeles, while Chicago with its storied improv scene has been gobbling up the young delusional college graduates for years. Experts too point to places like Austin, Texas and Seattle, Washington as places where much of the comedy is being outsourced--Austin, Texas is to comedy as to what Bombay, India was to the tech industry a few years back. While DC has not been able to hold onto its product, the little product they do have, is divvied up between Baltimore, Maryland and Northern, Virginia, two markets themselves that are struggling to keep their own comedic identities afloat.

There is perhaps a larger comedic recession underway throughout the nation in television, film and on stage, D.C. is perhaps a microcosm of what is going on nationally. Some artists and analysts will point to the increasing amount of humor that is available online and as a result comedy has become more about grabbing the attention rather than anything of substance. Ironic sound-bites have become the contemporary humor staple. "List" shows that started around the turn of the century, found their way into "Best Week Ever" which has now produced a yapping litter of offspring on "The Animal Planet", "Tru-Tv", "E", "Bravo" and even some local programming. The explosion of different vehicles for media in recent years certainly watered down the overall landscape. When cavemen for car insurance are garnering the highest hopes for the first decent sitcom in years, audience should have raised their middle-fingers rather than their hopes.

With an so many outlets to choose from, some say the comedic artist has become desperate in order to stand apart from the crowd, i.e. trying to be the next "Andy Kauffman", "Bill Hicks" or "Jon Belushi" but as a result, only end-up recycling old material into more often than not, a lame excuse for a comedic product. Chief comedic economists say that trying to provoke the audience has become the most misunderstood concept in the entire genre and is sadly over-used by the unknown and underused by those whose audience could benefit from being challenged.
Back here in the District, critics in the community point out that there is a strong constituency of talent and desire but comedy in the nation's capital just finds a way to Plaxico Burress itself, whether it be the lackluster supply or the apathetic demand (see: DC Comedy Festival '08, current open-mic community, palpitating improv, and erratic sketch community).

Still the community can take solace in that tired line the local media always "DC is funny--really!" or that its "funny but just not intentionally", the fact being, that this city is not supposed to cultivate any of its own comedic product. So if that’s the case, there is no recession, there is actually a budding community because there are those living in the District who are working everyday at it. And most likely they can rest knowing that just like the economy; DC comedy lives in cycles as well. There is ebb and a flow and whether were in “ebb" or a "flow", that one is going to go back to the other in a matter of time--when would that be? Comedic analysts are not sure but say hindsight will be the key.

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NO SOLLYS TONIGHT! NO LIVE HUMANS THIS WEEK

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Big Onion

The Following is from an Onion Article that was forwarded to me by a friend, in the email he asked, "Why should this article be funny?"...I wasn't sure what he was asking so I wrote what is after the article here in an attempt to make some sense of its inspiration. It ended up being a spec scene for Family Guy.

Crocodile Bites Off Bush's Arm
November 19, 2008 Issue 44•47
HOMESTEAD, FL—A 14-foot crocodile bit off President Bush's left arm at the shoulder Monday, a White House memo reported. Bush, who was reportedly standing waist-deep in a swamp at Everglades National Park when the crocodile struck, also sustained severe puncture wounds and torn flesh in his hip and upper thigh. According to witnesses, Bush attempted to fend off the large reptile with his left arm, but the crocodile latched onto it above the elbow, dragged the president underwater, and ripped his arm from its socket. Bush's severed arm was unable to be recovered. Doctors confirmed that he will be fitted with a prosthetic limb in a procedure Friday, and that he is currently being treated for sepsis. Bush is resting comfortably in Annapolis Naval Hospital

Int. Writers Meeting, Boardroom.

Top Writer: And this is why, I think that the story, "Crocodile 30 Rock", is both funny, topical and not only incorporates one of the hip television dramas but also incorporates political satire on the President's visit to Florida, thus upholding the long standing tradition of subtle social and political commentary that we here at the Onion do so well.

(Applause from other people in the room)

Our hero, meekly raises his hand

Top Writer: (to Hero) Yes?

Hero: I...I don't get it.

TW: Get what?

Hero: The story.

TW: Well if you will look at our "Groening Satire Manuel" it explains everything.

Hero: Oh

(people gather their stuff to exit meeting)

Hero meekly raises his hand

TW: Yes?

Hero: I still don't get it.

TW: What?

Robert Loggia seated at head writers chair

Loggia: What don't you get Josh?

Hero: Well this is a story about an aligator, tv show and the president

TW: Yes

Hero: Well couldn't it be just about the aligator?

TW: Its a crocodile, the title, "Crocodile 30 Rock" is also a play on an Elton John song

Hero: Well, ok then the crocodile and the president...I mean this is a story with all these pieces and well, I mean, whats fun about just recycling pop cultural references?

Robert Loggia looks interested, as do other members, including Elizabeth Perkins and Kevin Meany (in his only significant film role)

TW: It tested very well with our "Daily Show" test audience

Hero: I mean, couldn't the Crocodile just rip the President's arm off? Wouldn't that be funny?
And simple?

People start to get interested in the room

Hero: Yeah, and maybe talk about how the croc tried to get both arms but just had to settle on the one--

Some Guy: A comedy story about a crocodile that rips the president's arm off? That is funny.

Hero: Yeah and maybe the President is standing waist deep in water...

Kevin Meany: So the building turns into a bug?

Hero: Yeah, and we could have like fake medical reports and....

Top Writer (To Elizabeth Perkins type, with black-rim glasses): This just doesn't happen, you just doesn't come in and say, "Crocodile"....

Robert Loggia: Well done Josh, well done.

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Live Humans Tonight!

From Andy Rothwell:

Hey everyone,
This week we're at the Palace of Wonders again, with featured artist is EVAN SCOTT PEAVEY - you know it's gonna be good.
Also, I'm playing and showing some videos on Thursday night at Big Bear cafe (1st and R NW), in the Cheryl's Gone monthly reading and performance series (www.cherylsgone.com). Please come out if you're around. It starts at 8:00, I'll be on at either 8:30 or 9:00 - except if you can come, I wouldn't skip the other acts, I'm excited to see them.
Ok, hopefully see you.
Andy

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Anyone Relate?

"We work in the dark - we do what we can - we give what we have. Our doubt is our passion, and our passion is our task. The rest is the madness of art." — Henry James

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Shh...shh...Just Watch.

"He is the new Charles Nelson Rielly(sic). he knows how to tell an amusing story, or in this case, How to tell a story amusingly. That is basically his act. Telling a story, incident, observation, opinion in a theatrical manner."

Please tell me that no one pays attention to Youtube user comments. I went on there to look at some clips of Paul F. Tompkins, inspired by Ms. Aparna Nancherla's recent success opening for him and I find that comment above posted after one of Tompkin's clips.

Whats the equation? Anonymity + The Internet= Asshole.

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Woman Gets Pregnant, Barbara Walters Trips Over Own Tits, Grass Is Green

I don't understand this news story, just baffled. A woman who chose to take hormones so she could grow facial hair and have a baby is a news story. I have run across plenty of women with facial hair who have kids and none of its news worthy. But apparently its important to the media and this couple to push on with this whole charade so this newborn baby can have this moment later on down the road:

"I was born after my mother injected sperm from another man into my Dad’s vagina" August 2021 sometime around mid-night at summer camp.

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Comedy Spot, Ballston Mall this Friday!

FRI l NOV 14 l 8 & 10PM$15 l (R) l BUY TICKETS NOW RUNNING TIME 60 MINUTES

Horse & House is a four-man longform improv ensemble with a reputation for fast, physical, and wildly imaginative comedy performances. Armed with a single audience suggestion, Horse & House fires off 30 minutes of comedic scenes that ricochet around a central theme. Together the members of Horse & House have delighted crowds in their hometown of Washington, DC as well as New York City, Chicago, Toronto, Philadelphia, Charleston, and Baltimore.Cast: Dan Hodapp, Dan MacAvoy, Mark Pagan, Justin Purvis

With special guests!
8:00pm: Vic Speedboat . . . 10:00pm: Caveat

The members of Horse & House met at the Washington Improv Theater in Washington, DC as members of the ensemble Caveat. All of them have studied, taught and performed at WIT and individually, they have studied at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York City, and i.O. and Second City in Chicago. Now residing in DC, NYC and Chicago, the four play together as Horse & House, a traveling ensemble for special event shows.

WEEKLY SCHEDULE
FRIDAYS
ComedySportz8PM l $15 l PG
The Blue Show10PM l $15 l R
SATURDAYS
CSz 4 Kidz *3PM l $10 l PG
ComedySportz 7:30PM l $15 l PG
The Blue Show10PM l $15 l R
* see CALENDAR

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Get Famous or You Suck

From Gotcast.com: We are working with Kim Coles and Greg Proops on a "Standup Showcase" where our members submit their comedy routines for feedback from our celeb panel. The top10 videos are all guaranteed feedback and distribution to our friends at Abrams Agency in Los Angeles. And at least one of the videos will be featured on our homepage (over 100,000 members) and sent out to our industry mailer (over 2,000 producers, directors and casting directors). Follow this link: http://http://www.gotcast.com/casting-calls/Standup-Comedy-Showcase/52381




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I'm an Idiot

I always want to find a steal...the best steal I can remember ever getting was about 20 years ago trading baseball cards:

Manny Mota (1966 Topps) for Ricky Henderson (1980 Topps Rookie Card):

My pitch line for the blockbuster trade of the century: "This is a card that was made in the 1960's and Manny Mota is the all-time pinch hit leader"...which at the time I think he really was. My friend and neighbor, Matt M., two years my junior, ran inside right after the trade and asked his Dad what he thought. He never came back outside he just yelled from his townhouse door, "My dad said I can't trade cards no more!" and slammed the door. I slowly turned around, lifted the card over my head and proclaimed that I now was the "Greatest of All-time".

That trade then: Mota card was worth around $2, the Henderson card was being sold down at the local baseball card store for close to $100...today the Mota card is around the same price, while the Henderson card is being valued at $50...whatever it was worth I do not own it anymore...I blame beer and a lack of desire to work during college...shameful.

Anyway...I think the karma of that trade has lingered with me for a good portion of my life. I never get a good deal now, let alone a steal. The guilt lingers, I still over-tip on a bad haircut. Ok, I didn't exactly find a deal, I ripped off a little kid while...I too was a little kid. Ok, I ripped Matt off with the Mota for Henderson trade. I was 11 and he was 9. I had 4th and 5th grade on him, two substantial chunks of time and I was in middle school, which to a 9 year-old terms is pretty much Studio 54. I had insider information, Beckett Monthly, he had just learned to read. But he had his Dad but 25 steps away in the kitchen. He could of consulted him...my Dad, was miles away, loving some other family and some other son...ok, thats entirely not true, and I'll probably pay for that somewhere down the line too. But, no matter what I did was completely rip the kid off. I really did. In fact I think I giggled myself to sleep later on. In fact I know I did. It was the first thing out of my lips to anybody for like 3 months after that. Though I do remember too, that there were a couple of parents, who had nothing to do with either Me or Matt, take Matt side and one gave me a bit of a "pleasant" talking to, nothing harsh but a good'ole nudge to give Matt the card back. And I said I would, then I ran the other direction as fast and as far as I could which is an 11 year-old's way of shredding documents and wiping their hands clean of the situation.

Anyway, what inspired this memory was, yesterday I called about a 2 bedroom apartment on Mass Ave listed for $800 a month. I should of known better. I really didn't believe it but really deep down, I wanted it to be "Mota for Henderson" all over again. Until I got this email and "Googled" the Reverend's name:

Thanks for your email and it is my gladness to hearing from you.I amRev Simon Spalinger,the owner of the house you are making enquiryof.Actually I resided in the house with my family,such as my wife andmy only daugther before and resently we had packed due to my transferfrom my working place and now situated in New Jersey USA,andpresently my house is still available for rent for $800 per monthincluding the utilities like hydro,washer and security,it isurnised.Moreso Now, i went for a Crusade in the West Africa and i willlike you to get in touch with my wife for more discussionas She is with the keys and the document to the house.Pls i want youto note that,i am a kind and honest man and also i spent alot on myproperty that i want to give you for rent,so i will solicit for yourabsolute mentenance of this house and want you to treat it as yourown,is that taken,it is not the money the main problem but want you tokeep it tidy all the time so that i will be glad to see it neat when icame for a check up.i do that once in a while.I also want you to letme have trust in you as i always stand on my word.Where are youlocated and where do you see our advert.. Email my wife Sarah on (saraspalinger5467@gmail.com) she willattends to you better.God bless you Rev Simon Spalinger

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Live Humans Tonight!

From Andy Rothwell:

Hi everyone,

Tonight the featured artist at the LIVE HUMANS IN DC open mic is ADRIAN KRYGOWSKI (www.myspace.com/thedifferentsdc). It's at the Palace of Wonders, 7:30.
Next week it's there too, with featured artist EVAN SCOTT PEAVEY. Then a week off right before Thanksgiving, and a bunch more at the Palace in December.
Hopefully see you!-Andy

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The Above Video

I really feel for anyone who "bombs", especially someone that wants to do well so badly. The above video I found today while lazily rolling along through Youtube. Apparently the video has been out for awhile and I am always late on these things, but I've watched it 3 times so far all the way through and my favorite part is the very end. Check out the young guy's posture and demeanor as the lead anchor takes over at the very end, the anchor thanks him for the update, and the guy gives him a heavy, "Yeah"--it says so much.

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DCComedy4Now is going to call it at 10:12 pm...

Ahead of Fox, ahead of NBC, ABC, CBS, MSNBC, and CNN, is going to name Barack Obama, the next President, the 44th, of the United States of America. DCComedy4now, is your trusted news source on election coverage.

Congrats!

Making fun of Republicans gets pretty old...
And while I'm enjoying the some of the Obama impersonations, my prediction is that the Joe Biden impersonation, along with just the man's general personality, is going to take hold. I am interested to see what kind of shift there will be on the landscape of political humor, hopefully it will move beyond the race of President-elect Obama.

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Hello? Oh, hey, yeah...yeah...yeah, I'm an asshole.

Washington DC is supposed to be a city of learned people. In fact, it is a city known for people who have very expensive educations who sacrifice high-paying jobs to work in non-profits in an effort to help out their fellow man.

So with all this education, with all these people thinking for people other than themselves, why have people not learned that nobody wants to hear their fucking cell phone conversation.

I still can't believe this goes on, daily, like it does. Cell phones have been around long enough, you ask anyone with one about the etiquette of using one and they would tell you that there is a time and a place to use it. I thought being an idiot on your cell-phone would be looked at like farting aloud in a room full of strangers by now. You'd think nobody would want to be "that person".

This is a tired topic. Its a fucking cliche that I am even writing about it.

So, I'll make it short, if you ride the D2 bus between Glover Park and Dupont and you just cannot wait, cannot possibly wait and just goooottta have that phone conversation, well then let me at least introduce myself: I'm the creepy one, staring, burning a hole in your forehead, making everything awkward. My name is Mike, when you get off the phone can we talk?

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BEGINNING NEOFUTURISM

At The Woolly Mammoth Theater Company in downtown Washington DC
instructor: John Pierson of The Neo-Futurists
One session: Saturday, Jan 3, 12 – 4pm

The Chicago-based NEO-FUTURISTS are renowned for their engaging, immediate, truthful, and highly entertaining Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind. The success of their work stems from the ensemble’s ability to pull uniquely individual material from their own lives and mold it into universally accessible art. In this workshop you will learn the exercises and philosophies behind creating, writing, performing, and directing immediate theatre based on your own life. This class provides specific acting techniques and an opportunity to write and perform pieces for the other workshop students.

Note: This course is for intermediate to advanced level actors.

John Pierson has been a Neo-Futurist for eleven years. He is also known as John Jughead Pierson, the founding member of the legendary punk band Screeching Weasel and the revolutionary acoustic punk band Even In Blackouts. Under another pseudonym, Ian Pierce, he has written, produced and published over 20 plays and one novel, Weasels In A Box.

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Homegrown Comedy

NOVEMBER 7th

The DC Improv proudly presents "Homegrown Comedy", the monthly comedy series featuring the rising talent of local comedians in Washington, DC. Over the past five years, the Improv has supported local comedy with local talent showcases and comedy competitions. In the spirit of those shows, "Homegrown Comedy" will feature some of the best amateurs and local professional comics Washington, DC has to offer.

Homegrown Comedy is a way for the DC Improv to showcase its local talent and for local talent to be seen by the DC Improv. Each show will feature seven comedians performing tight 8 minute sets. It's a great opportunity for people to come check out Washington's next comedy stars and more importantly, laugh! November 7th Line-Up:

Hosted by: Mike Way

Kojo Mante, Mike Eltringham, Matt Sapsford, Keith Irvin, Lisa Fine, Tim Miller, and Brian Parise

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Aye...

Well whats going on DC Comedy Scene?!
We've been busy over here at the DCComedy4now offices, really busy...really, really busy.

Take note of the new open-mic off to the right side of the page at the Mad Hatter off of 19th and M on Wednesdays.

NO open-mic at Chief Ikes tonight because of the Redskins-Steelers game.

So being the last schmuck over at the DCComedy4now offices I've gotten behind in my work of keeping up the place. Lets face it, its not the liveliest of places to walk into each morning.

Keep an eye out for the upcoming up performances:

-Bill Burr this week at the DC Improv
-Erin Jackson, Rob Maher, and Ryan Conner at the DC Improv November 15th
-DC Improv, Washington Improv Theater and Comedy Sports (Ballston Mall in Virginia) are going to be starting their new semesters for classes very soon!

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New Open Mic @ Mad Hatter

From Host Ben Long: Mad Hatter Comedy Open Mic will be Wednesday, November 8th, 9-11pm, and every Wednesday thereafter. Doing well will matter as winning comics, as determined by who gets the most votes (so bring your friends to vote for you), will get 25 and 50 dollars for 2nd and 1st. Comics can sign up starting as early as 5:30 with me, Ben, as I will be bartending from then until close and hosting the show. The Mad Hatter is on 19th and M in midtown near Dupont Circle.
Contact Ben Long at benlong10@yahoo.com for info if need be.

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LIVE HUMANS TOMORROW

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We Are Alive!

Get out tonight to Chief Ike's! Now with less Bukkake! Sign-up 7:30! Show starts...

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Stylings of Jake Young

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Stand-Up for Diversity

Only the first 100 comics who arrive will be seen so early attendance is strongly recommended. Comics will have one minute at the initial audition. A handful will be invited back later that day to perform a longer set and the top comics will be selected to perform in the showcase the following
evening. This is not a show that will air on NBC, but rather an opportunity to be showcased for agents, casting directors, and television executives in consideration for future casting and development
This open call is for diverse comics who are serious about being funny. You must have five minutes
of polished material.

For more info, check outwww.DiverseCityNBC.com or www.StandUpNBC.com

Past finalists have:
Signed Talent Holding Deals with NBC
Received a trip to Los Angeles to showcase for agents, managers, and casting directors
Performed at the NACA (National Association of Campus Activities) Convention
Performed for talent executives from “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” and the creative team
behind “Last Comic Standing.”
And much more...

Sunday, October 12 at 10 a.m.
36 Light Street, Baltimore, MD 21202

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Oh How Novel

The great originator of this blog Nick Turner said to me words that I'll never forget. I had just started doing stand-up again--a little more half-ass than before; and I had just come off stage from killing the momentum of the show and really had made it awkward for the next guy to go up when Nick took me by the shoulder and walked me over to the corner of Chief Ike's, got down to my eye level, put both hands on my shoulders, looked me dead in the eye and said, "Fuck man, I really need some weed".Which to me, meant that Nick needed content. He needed content for his metaphysical being, his blogself if you will.This blog really needs some weed right now.

And I will be the first one to admit, that I have have not been paying my dealer who will now not front me any dope. All my friends are out because I have just been smoking theirs while just saving mine to get high school girls stoned in Safeway parking lots.As an artist and as a person one of my biggest problems is novelty. It has been this way for me for as long as I can remember. Many, many of life’s endeavors have just gone unfinished because once the euphoric quality of a task as dissipated so has my interest in following through with it.

I always started off the school year like a terror, off that fresh feeling of “This year is going to be different”. If the school year would have been 5 weeks long I would have been number 1 in my class. Around the 6th week, school was able to hold my attention about as well as a "Reba" marathon on Lifetime. But the last few weeks of the semester especially when I was in borderline country such as a few points away from puling a "C" to a "B" or a "B" to an "A" or whatever the case may have been, school had a new sort of vigor to it and once again I would be engaged--my situation would again have certain novelty to it. Living your life in order NOT to get your ass kicked by your parents certainly keeps things interesting.

It could be said that it is just putting things off to the last minute, that I am lazy; and that is true. I have a reputation with my friends and family for being late to things. It is something that I am trying to improve upon at the moment. But let me ask you this: what is more exciting, getting somewhere early and waiting for everything to start? Or discovering that your Volkswagen Golf can go zero to sixty just under 7 seconds?

Sports and the school year always started off the same way…I would always start off hot but then cool. I was very streaky, especially as a batter in baseball. I always had to “feel” something, I had to be riding high or I was just flat. I was a pitcher in high school and in college, I always loved going in relief or closing a game much better than I liked starting a game. And for the most part I was a starter, but the part about starting that sucked was waiting around for the game to start. And sometimes that would start about two days before the first pitch. I never understood why I had to be there so early. The game would start at 1 and my coach would want everyone there like at 10 O'clock. As I got older, I learned that I could sneak off for a little bit during home games to a pizza place up the street, where I would spend about 45 minutes playing "Gallaga".

The need for novelty has permeated into every aspect of my personality. I don't think I really ever had much of a relationship with a woman until I recognized this fact about myself. But then later, I would just use it as a crutch as I waxed pathetically, "Yeah, but I'm just so complicated...I just have this need for novelty, its really complex and difficult to explain", as I would turn into the entire cast of "The View". I dated a Czech girl for a while, who’s accent and overall view of culture certainly had a novel appeal to it and I think that is the draw for many at first with an “exotic” relationship. But then after while I realized that she is human like anyone else--as much as I wanted her to be a member of the ne0-faction Millennia Unit of the Post-Eastern Block Gestapo assigned to me as part of a reconnaissance assignment that would end one night as she would slice my throat in my sleep, kiss me “Good-bye” (with tongue) and Parkour out the bedroom window into a waiting limousine.

This need for novelty has been to me in my work-life has been about has hampering as one of Nomar Garciapara’s hamstrings. Jobs I have held in my life: more than 30? Since I was 15, I have averaged about 2 jobs per year. I was only fired once? Twice, maybe...has to have been at least 3 times. But most of the time I just got bored and even when I would stay with a job, I made sure everyone knew I was bored. I think over the years, my grandmother has died twenty-two hundred times, a handful more than my grandfather, and while I have yet to father a child, the kids I have had, have had to be picked up from school for everything from the sniffles to cholera. “Yeah, my son has dysentery...yeah, well hey, I thought the Ganges would be cleaner than Ocean City”. I never could sit still. I always had to be somewhere else, doing something “cooler”.It took me a long time to figure out, to do the really cool stuff, you have to do a lot of boring worthless shit--well not all worthless, feels like it though. One of my favorite jobs I ever had was when I was 18--I delivered sausages, "Spicy Chorizo". I drove a refrigerator truck from my hometown up in Maryland, all around the beltway, stopping at Shoppers Food Warehouses and little bodegas all along the way. I would go down as far as Dale City and Burke city Virginia. That job had constant novelty. I was once flagged down by a pregnant hooker, who I thought at first must have been going into labor. As soon as I pulled over not even coming to a complete stop, from the look I was getting I realized that she wasn't going into labor, which was the quickest, weirdest, saddest session I had ever had of putting "two and two together".

So, I guess what I am trying to convey is...I've hit a rut with this blog. I am doing a disservice to its originators Nick and Jason who deserve more than what I have been giving it. I wanted and I still do, to be a resource tool for networking and discussion in the comic community here in DC and Baltimore too. I think I hit a downturn a bit, the novelty had worn off and the work of it all started to bring me down a bit. But it is something that I am trying to shrug off, that’s what life is about, most of it, if not all of it, is--not everything is always new and refreshing. So, really, I guess what I should say here is, “Shut the fuck up Mike, and just do the work”.

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Chief Ikes Open Tonight! Sign-Up at 7pm

Girls 16 and under will need to be escorted by a parent.

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A Couple of Earth Day Notes from George Carlin

"Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea." — George Carlin

And from "The Planet is Fine", by: George Carlin

We're so self-important. So self-important. Everybody's going to save something now. "Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails." And the greatest arrogance of all: save the planet. What? Are these fucking people kidding me? Save the planet, we don't even know how to take care of ourselves yet. We haven't learned how to care for one another, we're gonna save the fucking planet? I'm getting tired of that shit. Tired of that shit. I'm tired of fucking

Earth Day, I'm tired of these self-righteous environmentalists, these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is there aren't enough bicycle paths. People trying to make the world save for their Volvos. Besides, environmentalists don't give a shit about the planet. They don't care about the planet. Not in the abstract they don't. Not in the abstract they don't. You know what they're interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat.

They're worried that some day in the future, they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn't impress me.

Besides, there is nothing wrong with the planet. Nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine. The PEOPLE are fucked. Difference. Difference. The planet is fine. Compared to the people, the planet is doing great. Been here four and a half billion years. Did you ever think about the arithmetic? The planet has been here four and a half billion years. We've been here, what, a hundred thousand? Maybe two hundred thousand? And we've only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over two hundred years. Two hundred years versus four and a half billion.

And we have the CONCEIT to think that somehow we're a threat? That somehow we're gonna put in jeopardy this beautiful little blue-green ball that's just a-floatin' around the sun?

The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through all kinds of things worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles...hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worlwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages...And we think some plastic bags, and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet...the planet...the planet isn't going anywhere. WE ARE!

We're going away. Pack your shit, folks. We're going away. And we won't leave much of a trace, either. Thank God for that. Maybe a little styrofoam. Maybe. A little styrofoam. The planet'll be here and we'll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet'll shake us off like a bad case of fleas. A surface nuisance.

You wanna know how the planet's doing? Ask those people at Pompeii, who are frozen into position from volcanic ash, how the planet's doing. You wanna know if the planet's all right, ask those people in Mexico City or Armenia or a hundred other places buried under thousands of tons of earthquake rubble, if they feel like a threat to the planet this week. Or how about those people in Kilowaia, Hawaii, who built their homes right next to an active volcano, and then wonder why they have lava in the living room.
T

he planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we're gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, 'cause that's what it does. It's a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed, and if it's true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new pardigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesn't share our prejudice towards plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn't know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, "Why are we here?"

Plastic...asshole.

So, the plastic is here, our job is done, we can be phased out now. And I think that's begun. Don't you think that's already started? I think, to be fair, the planet sees us as a mild threat. Something to be dealt with. And the planet can defend itself in an organized, collective way, the way a beehive or an ant colony can. A collective defense mechanism. The planet will think of something. What would you do if you were the planet? How would you defend yourself against this troublesome, pesky species? Let's see... Viruses. Viruses might be good. They seem vulnerable to viruses. And, uh...viruses are tricky, always mutating and forming new strains whenever a vaccine is developed. Perhaps, this first virus could be one that compromises the immune system of these creatures. Perhaps a human immunodeficiency virus, making them vulnerable to all sorts of other diseases and infections that might come along. And maybe it could be spread sexually, making them a little reluctant to engage in the act of reproduction.

Well, that's a poetic note. And it's a start. And I can dream, can't I? See I don't worry about the little things: bees, trees, whales, snails. I think we're part of a greater wisdom than we will ever understand. A higher order. Call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. The Big Electron...whoooa. Whoooa. Whoooa. It doesn't punish, it doesn't reward, it doesn't judge at all. It just is. And so are we. For a little while.

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