Comcast Showcase @ The DC Improv Comedy Lounge

Comcast brings its Comcastic Comedy Showcase back to the DC Improv's Comedy Lounge on November 24th @ 8:00pm. The first showcase was a awesome night of local, stand-up comedy and Saturday promises to be just as amazing.

The show will feature 11 of the best local working comics the greater DC metro area has to offer. Here is the line-up(in order from most fuckable [sorry Chris]): Mike Way, Jimmy Merritt, Freddi Vernell, Jared Stern, Tim Miller, Sean Gabbert, Matt Kazam, Jon Mumma, Justin Schlelgel, Joe Deeley, and Chris White. The showcase is hosted by Jay Hastings and he shouldn't suck. There are just a few tickets remaining for a lovely, intimate evening of great local comedy. Come out and check it out. Read more!

Sex Offender Feelings Don't Wash Off

I was on the train yesterday going to Maryland, when I was blindsided by the vagina of a little girl. WHAM-O! This kid’s crotch is right in my face. I’m talking less than 2 feet. She is wearing a blue jean skirt and climbing all over the place. She’s up on the seats, running down the isle, and swinging off anything she can grab a hold of. Well, she eventually gets to the pole in front of me, and decides, “It’d be a good idea to swing myself upside down on this pole (probably something she learned from Mama on bring your daughter to work day). Anyway, I’m sitting there minding my own business trying not to freak out every time this kid asks her mom a question. “Mama, why does the train have doors? Mama, why are we off the ground? Mama, why does my bed sometimes smell like cheap whiskey and biker ass?” It was so fucking irritating. And her fat, dead eyed, pissed off she didn’t spring for an abortion mama is just numb to it all. She’s like, “Fuck everyone on this train. This is the HELL I call my life, and I plan on making as many people suffer with me as I can!”

So, right when I’m about to snap and punt this kid back in mom’s chubby arms she takes off running like a crack head. She jumps and leaps onto the pole like a Russian gymnast. And that’s when I’m forced to stare at the most illegal vagina I’ve ever seen. Immediately after seeing it I felt so dirty. I was convinced that Chris Hansen from Datelines “To Catch a Predator” was going to pop out from underneath my seat. “What exactly do you think you’re staring at? Do you know how young this girl is? You’re a teacher aren’t you? You sick fuck.”

A vagina that young really takes you by surprise. I mean we’ve all seen a shaved, 19 year old vagina in a strip club and that’s a beautiful sight. But, you don’t need to see a shaved, 19 year old vagina that’s been shrunk in the dryer. NO! It’s wrong and it’s awful. I was just sitting there trying to enjoy my book and out of no where I’m staring down barrel of a 4 year olds baby maker.

And it’s not like seeing a little girl with her shirt off at the beach. We’ve all seen that and we never think anything of it, because a 4 year old doesn’t have mini-boobs that resemble a mature set of breasts. But sex organs are sex organs, and when you see one up close it changes you. Remember the first time you saw a Va-jay with the lights on…yeah, a little odd wasn’t it? Ok, well now take that feeling soak it in pedophilia and wrap it in shame and that’s how I felt riding on that train.

That’s how pedophiles get their start. One day a normal dude is riding the train on his way to work, and then WHAM-O!!! A tiny vagina swings into his field of vision and he can’t get the disturbing imagine of that kids va-jay out of his skull. So it haunts him day and knight until one day he wakes up and decides “I’m going to seriously fuck my life up, and hang out at playgrounds to see if I can get a another peek of super young crotch. I just sort of grossed myself out.

I thought the real point of concern was that the mom didn’t seem to care that her little girl was flashing her twat all over the Red line. Isn’t that the job of a parent; to cover up your kid’s private parts when they’re all willy nilly in showing god and everybody their junk? I think it is. If you’re a parent and you see that your little girl has taken to showing the entire train her pussy because she’s hanging upside down on a pole, you need to throw a blanket on that fire. I thought having to deal with the kids incessant talking and shrill voice was the worst thing that could happen, but that’s a walk in the park compared to staring at a kid’s special purpose.

So, in closing I’d like to say that I’m scared by this whole experience. I hope I never see another 4 year old vagina, and I truly mean that. I don’t want kids of my own. And I pray that the next time I see a bald vagina that it’s of legal age, and sitting on my face.

Read more!

Five Fingers of Fucking

I don’t want to brag, but I’m the best Finger Banger that I know. Seriously, I’m fucking amazing at Finger Banging. Sure, other guys may be well endowed and have a great personality…but can they finger bang? Can’t nobody Finger Bang like me…you can take that to the bank.

How do I begin to properly illustrate the awesomeness that is my Finger Banging ability? I can finger bang fast or slow. I can finger bang sweet or I can finger bang mean, but one thing I promise you is that it’ll be the best finger bang of your life. I take pride in my finger banging. I don’t just stick my hand down your pants and try to finger bang you; oh no, I put on a production. I pretend that my index and middle finger are little legs, and I walk them around the audience (vagina). Then it’s showtime!

Always start slow and with one finger. If you don’t know that you shouldn’t be finger banging. I go slow, but it’s not boring. I incorporate a “swirling” motion (think of cleaning out a jar of peanut butter with your finger). Once I’ve enter and gotten the juices flowing…let the bangin’ begin. I go full speed, or what I commonly refer to as the “pistons of fury”. I finger bang like that for a good solid 2 minutes non-stop. Then I pull back on the throttle, light a candle and start with making finger banging love. Slow, long strokes that are precise and each one is thoughtful and kind. I switch up between 1 and 2 fingers. Then I do my “jumping jacks” (also known as synchronized swimming) move. That is a one way ticket to Ecstasyville: population Lucky Lady; Mayor: ME! But oh wait, it’s not even over. Then I go into my closer: “Tunneling the Dough”. I use two fingers and viciously “whip” the vagina into crazy orgasmic mess. It’s like I’m beating eggs, but it’s not eggs…it’s a woman’s pleasure zone. And when your eyes roll to the back of your head you know…you just got Finger Banged by a pro!

Tell me that a Finger Bang from me doesn’t sound like Heaven. If you say no you’re either a liar, or hate finger banging. I can’t imagine how anyone could hate finger banging. Finger banging is my gift and I want to share it with the world. So, when you see me out on the streets, don’t be afraid to ask for a Finger Bang, cause I’m more than willing to share my gift, and let everyone know exactly what a REAL Finger Bang should be.

Smell the success!

Read more!