Bill Burr, I apologize....

....I did not stay to see your set. Why? Because your feature act, Mike Metz, was horribly deplorable.

After all I have heard about Bill Burr and watching his now notorious rant against the Philly Crowd on the Traveling Virus Tour, I was waiting for some no-holds barred style of comedy. What I had to do instead was wade through a bunch of shit jokes ripped straight from 1986. Seriously, this was one I remember.

"I am sitting on the couch this weekend, watching the Skins game. My woman comes over to me, sits down, takes the beer out of my hand, mutes the TV then turns to me and asks 'Honey, what scares you the most?'. I replied 'More than missing the rest of the football game?'

HARDEY HAR HAR.

This is after about 10 minutes on DC monuments and how the Washington Monument should have a robot GW come out the top and throw candy at tourists.

Why have a guy like this as a feature act(Bryson Turner was hosting and doing a damn fine job of it) when all he will do is completely kill the momentum that Bryson has set up for you and the headliner's acts? He must be a local comedian who was owed some sort of favor by either Bill Burr or the DC Improv. I just can't believe he would have gotten on there with the set I saw.

I mean try to google the guy. You can't, there is nothing on him.

So, my apoligies to Bill Burr. I would of liked to see your act but Mike Metz bored me to tears. Bryson Turner should of done an hour. Read more!

Bad YouTube Comedy Monday

This guy missed a great opportunity to be the most cutting-edge comic in Washington D.C. by telling these hackney'ed jokes. Instead, still dressed as Abe Lincoln, he should be telling the worst racists jokes of all time just one after another. Read more!

So, you're a comedian?

Whenever I tell someone I am comedian, they eventually ask me to tell them a joke. God, i hate this.

But, then i discovered the perfect way to quelch this while travel this week.

When someone asks me to tell them a joke, I tell them this one.

"What is black, blue and hates sex?"

"The girl in my trunk."

Shuts them right up. Read more!

Tales from the Road: Kentuckian Jokes

Whenever I divulge that I am a comedian in a new group of people I inevitably get one of two responses; “Hey, tell me a joke” or “Hey, here is a joke for ya!” I heard this joke from a local at the Ramada Inn Bar and Lounge, off Exit 2 in Louisville, Kentucky over the weekend.

So, there is this [whisper] black guy and a Chinese guy on the opposite sides of a pond. Every notice when a racist really wants to say the N-Word he whispers “black guy” instead? The Chinese guy is skipping rocks and the Black Guy sees him from across the water there and says to him self “Hey, I don’t have a job. I think I am going to go over there and rob that Chinese guy.” Yes, that was the setup. Of course. Chinese guy skipping rocks and a Black guy with no business being there except to commit a crime. Continue please. So the Black guy goes over to sneak up on him, but notices that when ever the Chinese guy skips a rock to goes “Ching! Chang! Chong!”. Every time, without fail. When he throws a rock, same thing happens, “Ching! Chang! Chong!” The Black Guy doesn’t know what could be making those sounds, but he still needs the money so he decides to rob him anyways. Yeah, let’s not forget the Black Guy is a criminal. So he pulls out a knife and presses it against the Chinese’s guy’s throat and says ‘Give me your money!! But first…I keep hearing noises coming from the pond every time you skip a rock. How do you do that?” Yep, you read that right and it just as awkward when it was being told. The Black Guy engages in conversation about the fucking pond AS he is robbing the Chinese guy. Like that is the only what Black people know when to communicate, as they are committing a felony. The Chinese guy replies “Well, this is a magical pond and every time I skip a rock it tells me the names of my ancestors. Ching, chang and chong.” AND the Chinese Guy is so dumb he forgets there is a knife pressed against his throat! That is some sneaky racism. The Black Guy thinks to himself, “Well shit, I don’t know who my daddy is, so I am going to try this out myself.” Okay, he gets one more blatantly racist comment in before the punch line. Strap in, folks. Here comes a dozy. So he grabs a rock, skips it across the pond and hears “Chim! Pan! Zee!”

Now the reaction he receives is the correct one, complete silence. Now this fucking comedic genius does what any comic does when a joke bombs, he tries to save face. So he goes “That was a bad one, I know. That was a bad joke huh?” No, buddy. Bad Taste, yes. Bad joke, no. FUCKING HORRIBLE FUCKING JOKE. Not only was it blatantly racist, (where he tried to cram in 10 different racist jokes into one. I mean, stick to one and maybe we can have a good time here) he completely ditches the fact that the black guy is robbing the Chinese guy throughout the first part of the joke! No conclusion to that story. So does he get the money or not!?! Why bring it up!? Oh, yeah. This fucking hillbilly couldn’t figure out another way for these two characters to meet. I mean, could the Black Guy been fishing? OR just walking through the woods. Nope, he had to want to commit a crime. So I get it, the whole joke is to say that Black people are descended from monkeys, but he obviously took way to long to get there and distracted his audience with comments on the black guy’s criminal urges. I didn’t know what was supposed to be the joke. Black guys are criminals or they are monkeys. Let’s choose one for the sake of the joke. Plus, aren’t we all an evolution from primates? So his joke, needless to say, is a little inaccurate.

This led to several other tasteless jokes though out the night by him and several other locals around the bar. The highlights: salesmen mistakenly eat what they thought was buttered corn on the cob but was instead corn used to fuck an old lady. A Mexican mistakenly eating what he thought was buttered popcorn but was actually popcorn that had been pissed on. Assholes become larger after you go to prison and Vaginas look like doughnuts. Thank you Louisville!

I got some comedy gold here people! I plan on using them at the next open mic. But, please I know what you are going to say. Yes, I will tighten up the beginning to the Pond joke. Read more!