I'm Not Gay, But My Lawyer Is

Last night I felt like the prettiest girl in DuPont Circle, because I got hit on by the creepiest guy in DuPont Circle. I think that every straight man needs to be hit on by a gay man to understand what hot women go through. Let me correct that: not a gay man, but a Faggot; a super duper flaming faggot to be precise. Last night was my initiation into the “YaYa, Sisterhood”, and you ladies are right…men are PIGS!

Last night I did the open mic at Soho Tea & Coffee in DuPont Circle. I had a fun set. I tried out some new material, but I would say that most of my set revolved around me talking about my recent forced rehab classes, and how I got fucked over by the State of Virginia on my DUI and drug charge. So, following my set I walk outside and mingle with the other comics. Sean Gabbert and I were chatting about pain medication and then like a lion in the tall grass this queer pounces in and goes in for the kill.

So Mr. Flamer wanders into our conversation and starts looking me up and down, “You were adorable.” I say thank you, thinking that “adorable” is gay talk for “funny guy with original jokes”. He keeps licking his chops and eye raping me. He informs me that he is a lawyer and wants to help with my legal troubles. I’m still thinking, “Hey, this is one helluva nice gay guy, who happens to enjoy helping out poor comics”. He wants to hear the details of my case, so I start laying it on him. He stops me and says, “I’d like to speak to you privately”. At this point, I start thinking he’s a little odd.

SIDE NOTE: It’s popular to blame women for being so naïve and ignorant about men’s real intentions, but I can sort of see it from their side now. It’s a good feeling to think that someone likes you just based on your character alone. I was hoping that this guy had taken a liking to my comedy and wanted to help a struggling comic. I assume it’s the same way if you’re a hot chic. However, with that being said I have learned my lesson from the following and will never trust a Flamer’s compliment again:

So, once we get away from other ears he lays this on me, “I am the best lawyer on the East Coast. I’m the greatest criminal lawyer you’ll find anywhere in the area; check my credentials. I am willing to wave ALL legal fees, if you can find a man who is as equally or more attractive than you, and let me watch you fuck each other. What do you think?” Apparently, my look of disgust didn’t answer his question. He waited for an answer and continued to rape me with his eyes.

You know what knocks a pause in a conversation? When a grown man asks another grown man to fuck another grown man in the ass while that grown man sits in the corner and beats off. I can honestly say that was a first for me, and hopefully the last (you can only be tempted so many times…right, right?). I finally pick my jaw off the sidewalk and compose myself to speak. I inform him that I am NOT gay, but extremely flattered. I don’t know why I told him I was flattered, but I’ve never been good at break-ups. But, if I was a gay dude and another gay dude wanted to watch me fuck another gay dude that would be a compliment I think. Plus, he said I was attractive and I don’t care who that compliment comes from it feels GREAT on the inside!

So, I tell him again I’m not gay and he gives me a look like, “Who are you trying to fool; me or you?” So, I reassure him that I am not gay, and that I do not want to fuck another dude in front of him. Then in true Used Car Salesman fashion he goes, “How do you feel about touching?” Now, I should have just said “thank you, but no” and left. However, I figured why not humor myself and see what Mr. Faggy McGee was proposing. By “touching” he wanted to know how I felt about other men “touching” my cock. Like blasting a dude in the ass might be too gay for me, but a fucking hand-job from a chubby gay dude might sit well with me. He still doesn’t believe I’m not interested in participating, so I tell him I have a girlfriend (which I don’t have). Then he wants to know if she’d be interested in performing a sexual act for him. I had to tell him that she really loves Jesus and that sort of thing wouldn’t sit well her Christian sensibilities or mine. Then I patted him on the back and said, “Hey, better luck next time.”

Lets Recap:

* First, if you have been offended that I said “faggot”, “flaming faggot”, or “super duper flaming faggot” you didn’t see how big of a faggot this guy was and I think it’s ignorant of you to judge my judgments without knowing the situation. Plus, I think any respectable gay man would call that dude a faggot. Seriously, who asks a complete stranger to fuck another man in the ass while he gets his stroke on in the corner? I think “faggot” is the only answer and I’m sticking to my guns on that one.

*Secondly, there is no way he can be the best lawyer on the east coast. Why? I’m going to say that no jury could ever take that lisp seriously. Plus, he can’t be pulling in that much cash when he’s waiving his fees in order to his freaky freak on.

*Thirdly, the main reason I wanted to stay out of jail was to avoid being fucked in the ass. Why the fuck would I go to the lawyer who wants to fuck me in the ass? Read more!

Sex Offender Feelings Don't Wash Off

I was on the train yesterday going to Maryland, when I was blindsided by the vagina of a little girl. WHAM-O! This kid’s crotch is right in my face. I’m talking less than 2 feet. She is wearing a blue jean skirt and climbing all over the place. She’s up on the seats, running down the isle, and swinging off anything she can grab a hold of. Well, she eventually gets to the pole in front of me, and decides, “It’d be a good idea to swing myself upside down on this pole (probably something she learned from Mama on bring your daughter to work day). Anyway, I’m sitting there minding my own business trying not to freak out every time this kid asks her mom a question. “Mama, why does the train have doors? Mama, why are we off the ground? Mama, why does my bed sometimes smell like cheap whiskey and biker ass?” It was so fucking irritating. And her fat, dead eyed, pissed off she didn’t spring for an abortion mama is just numb to it all. She’s like, “Fuck everyone on this train. This is the HELL I call my life, and I plan on making as many people suffer with me as I can!”

So, right when I’m about to snap and punt this kid back in mom’s chubby arms she takes off running like a crack head. She jumps and leaps onto the pole like a Russian gymnast. And that’s when I’m forced to stare at the most illegal vagina I’ve ever seen. Immediately after seeing it I felt so dirty. I was convinced that Chris Hansen from Datelines “To Catch a Predator” was going to pop out from underneath my seat. “What exactly do you think you’re staring at? Do you know how young this girl is? You’re a teacher aren’t you? You sick fuck.”

A vagina that young really takes you by surprise. I mean we’ve all seen a shaved, 19 year old vagina in a strip club and that’s a beautiful sight. But, you don’t need to see a shaved, 19 year old vagina that’s been shrunk in the dryer. NO! It’s wrong and it’s awful. I was just sitting there trying to enjoy my book and out of no where I’m staring down barrel of a 4 year olds baby maker.

And it’s not like seeing a little girl with her shirt off at the beach. We’ve all seen that and we never think anything of it, because a 4 year old doesn’t have mini-boobs that resemble a mature set of breasts. But sex organs are sex organs, and when you see one up close it changes you. Remember the first time you saw a Va-jay with the lights on…yeah, a little odd wasn’t it? Ok, well now take that feeling soak it in pedophilia and wrap it in shame and that’s how I felt riding on that train.

That’s how pedophiles get their start. One day a normal dude is riding the train on his way to work, and then WHAM-O!!! A tiny vagina swings into his field of vision and he can’t get the disturbing imagine of that kids va-jay out of his skull. So it haunts him day and knight until one day he wakes up and decides “I’m going to seriously fuck my life up, and hang out at playgrounds to see if I can get a another peek of super young crotch. I just sort of grossed myself out.

I thought the real point of concern was that the mom didn’t seem to care that her little girl was flashing her twat all over the Red line. Isn’t that the job of a parent; to cover up your kid’s private parts when they’re all willy nilly in showing god and everybody their junk? I think it is. If you’re a parent and you see that your little girl has taken to showing the entire train her pussy because she’s hanging upside down on a pole, you need to throw a blanket on that fire. I thought having to deal with the kids incessant talking and shrill voice was the worst thing that could happen, but that’s a walk in the park compared to staring at a kid’s special purpose.

So, in closing I’d like to say that I’m scared by this whole experience. I hope I never see another 4 year old vagina, and I truly mean that. I don’t want kids of my own. And I pray that the next time I see a bald vagina that it’s of legal age, and sitting on my face.

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Five Fingers of Fucking

I don’t want to brag, but I’m the best Finger Banger that I know. Seriously, I’m fucking amazing at Finger Banging. Sure, other guys may be well endowed and have a great personality…but can they finger bang? Can’t nobody Finger Bang like me…you can take that to the bank.

How do I begin to properly illustrate the awesomeness that is my Finger Banging ability? I can finger bang fast or slow. I can finger bang sweet or I can finger bang mean, but one thing I promise you is that it’ll be the best finger bang of your life. I take pride in my finger banging. I don’t just stick my hand down your pants and try to finger bang you; oh no, I put on a production. I pretend that my index and middle finger are little legs, and I walk them around the audience (vagina). Then it’s showtime!

Always start slow and with one finger. If you don’t know that you shouldn’t be finger banging. I go slow, but it’s not boring. I incorporate a “swirling” motion (think of cleaning out a jar of peanut butter with your finger). Once I’ve enter and gotten the juices flowing…let the bangin’ begin. I go full speed, or what I commonly refer to as the “pistons of fury”. I finger bang like that for a good solid 2 minutes non-stop. Then I pull back on the throttle, light a candle and start with making finger banging love. Slow, long strokes that are precise and each one is thoughtful and kind. I switch up between 1 and 2 fingers. Then I do my “jumping jacks” (also known as synchronized swimming) move. That is a one way ticket to Ecstasyville: population Lucky Lady; Mayor: ME! But oh wait, it’s not even over. Then I go into my closer: “Tunneling the Dough”. I use two fingers and viciously “whip” the vagina into crazy orgasmic mess. It’s like I’m beating eggs, but it’s not eggs…it’s a woman’s pleasure zone. And when your eyes roll to the back of your head you know…you just got Finger Banged by a pro!

Tell me that a Finger Bang from me doesn’t sound like Heaven. If you say no you’re either a liar, or hate finger banging. I can’t imagine how anyone could hate finger banging. Finger banging is my gift and I want to share it with the world. So, when you see me out on the streets, don’t be afraid to ask for a Finger Bang, cause I’m more than willing to share my gift, and let everyone know exactly what a REAL Finger Bang should be.

Smell the success!

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