Nick Turner Says: Use comedy to excuse your shitty life!

(photo by Aaron Webb)

Now, we all know that comedians are the scum of the earth, yet every time you tell someone that you're a comedian you somehow get treated better than you did mere seconds before the revelation. Why is this? Because people haven't seen your act yet. It's that simple. You suck, you know it, but they have no idea until they see it for themselves. This window from when they first hear that you're a comedian until they first see you bomb is what I call the "sweet spot." But the good news is that the assholes at your office aren't the only ones who can be tricked into thinking you're not a loser. You can trick yourself, too! Here are a few helpful delusions that can put you on the path to not slitting your wrists after you've made the terrible, terrible decision to pursue comedy.

Delusion #1: It's fine that you're a 27-year-old receptionist/college dropout because at night, you make people laugh! You aren't just the guy answering phones for the people with degrees/wives/kids/money/lives because almost 8 people will be forced to hear your thoughts on the MySpace revolution tonight. Who IS this Tom guy, anyway?

Delusion #2: You aren't watching too much television; you're doing research! How are people gonna know that I detest Rock of Love, unless I watch Rock of Love, and then tell you guys how much I didn't enjoy watching Rock of Love while setting my Tivo to record the most intense elimination round yet on Rock of Love?

Delusion #3: I have tons of friends because everyone says hi to me at open mics! Those people definitely aren't just saying hi because they're nice, and I'm standing in front of the sign up sheet. They are my friends. They could be anywhere tonight but chose to be here because they know that I'm probably gonna have a pretty sweet joke about the final four. The black teams did better than the white teams!

Delusion #4: I would be getting laid tonight if it weren't for the fact that I had a show! Well, I mean, I don't have a show per se, but I do have to go to a show. Well, I guess I don't HAVE to go to a show, but I really want to check out Flip Orley at the Improv because then I can figure out how to get a stand up comedy career without actually doing stand up comedy!

Delusion #5: I'm gonna make it one day!

Do guys have any delusions that you use to help yourselves get through the day? Let me know in the comments because everyone is definitely gonna read the comments, and it will be worth the time spent writing them.

Read more!

Why I Hate New Comics

by bryson turner

Ready for a harsh blog from somebody that you could have sworn was a nice person? Good. Let’s get started.

I had a really good conversation the other night with a fellow comic about why comedy scenes – DC being no exception – can often become very clique-y. A lot of times, there is a feeling among new comics that they are being excluded or that they aren’t welcomed by other comics. I believe that I have found the reason why – because they are. And furthermore, I think I’ve found a reason why new comics are often ostracized – they’re really annoying.

It’s a scientific theory, I know. But before you assume I’m being a huge dick by painting such a broad stroke, let me explain my theory.

[oohh boy. You betta hit the jump and read the rest of Bryson's post!]

Anybody who starts doing comedy probably does so because either their friends have told them that they’re “the funny one”, or because they’ve anointed themselves the funny ones in whatever social group they’re in.

Up until they arrive in the stand-up scene, they’ve used this skill to their advantage. Humor can get you a lot in life – it can diffuse a bad situation, complement a good one, and whether speaking romantically or platonically, it helps make people like you. New comics have learned to hone this skill, and their having become so good at it is usually a reason they decide they should try their hand at stand-up. “This humor thing is really working for me…let’s see what else I can do with it.”

That’s not a bad thought to have. That’s how almost every comic first got started – we wanted to see what we could do for ourselves by using humor. I once turned in a report on Walt Whitman over six months late, and I got an 84. Trust me – you don’t pull that off without the occasional well-timed quip.

But that’s exactly the problem with new comics – they come into this new social setting and try to use all the same tricks that have worked with regular people throughout their lives. They try to be “the funny one” and make friends on the scene by either being loud or being funny or gaining attention with the same “class clown” mentality that they’ve been using for years. It’s not that this is necessarily annoying, even though it often is. It’s that it’s insulting. It’s like, “Dude…don’t try to be ‘the funny one.’ We know you’re that guy. We’re all that guy.”

I remember when I first got onto the scene, there were people that I really thought it would be cool to be friends with. There were people who I really wanted to respect my comedy and see me as a peer. And there were people that I thought were dicks. I’ve ended up becoming friends with a few from each category. But it’s nothing you can control. I’ve become friends with lots of different people on the scene, but the legit friendships have to do with a lot more than comedy. I’ve become friends with Kojo because we like talking about sports and our failures with women. I’ve become friends with John McBride because we like talking sports and our occasional “why is this girl showing interest in me unless she’s working on a ‘She’s All That’-esque script and needs material” successes with women. I’ve become friends with Weems because we always have each other’s backs and can talk shop about anything. They’re not comedy-based friendships. They’re just friendships. When I get to an open-mic, I’m not trying to be clique-y. I’m just trying to hang out with my friends during the only time that we get to see each other.

I always think it’s funny when people I talk to from high school or work just assume that a life in stand-up comedy is non-stop hilarity, happiness, and fun. If we’re making people laugh, we must be happy, right? It can’t be like any other job, filled with stress, fears that you’re being leap-frogged by others, or doubts that your life is meaningless and you’ve chosen the wrong path…right? Well, wrong. It’s a terribly scary life, and any of us who are making a serious attempt to make it our livelihoods are naturally going to relate better to each other. And that’s the basis of a friendship – an ability to relate to one another.

So please don’t think the DC comedy scene is just one giant clique. It’s not. We’re just a bunch of different groups of friends that, when we see each other, like hanging out. We probably come off like we don’t like new comics. It’s not that – we’re just not your friends.

Okay, that kind of makes me a dick. But we all can’t be friends with everyone. That’s not how the world works.

What I think young comics often don’t realize is that we’ve all been there. I still remember doing a set in front of a terrible crowd and wanting to go up to every more-established comic there and say, “Look…I’m a lot better than that set suggests.” I still remember how demoralizing it was to get put on at the end of a show and then watch all the comics who I had hoped to impress – one by one – leave after they had finished sets of their own. “If they were really all about improving this scene, they would stick around for the rest of the show,” I would always think to myself. And there’s truth to that. But we’re not robots. We have jobs the next morning, and TV to watch, and girlfriends – or boyfriends – that we want to be with. I always thought comics not letting me into their circle was hurting this scene. But, as I was thinking that, I was making sure I was (at least somewhat) prepared for open-mics, and I was becoming a better comic because I never knew when the chance to impress would come. For those strong enough and patient enough to tell jokes for their own satisfaction, and not just to be cool, those perceived “circles of superiority” can be as good a motivating tool as any.

This blog isn’t so much for the young comics in DC now. Trust me – I feel your pain. Like I said, when I first moved into the city, I felt like Dan Aykroyd, in the freezing rain, looking in at Eddie Murphy during that scene in ‘Trading Places.’ And not just because it was at Nema.

Look. I know it’s frustrating. But if you love stand-up enough, you stick with it, and you eventually earn your stripes, along with the respect of your peers. I still remember individual compliments I received from Ryan Conner, Justin Schlegel, and others. Those expressions of respect meant the world to me, and they wouldn’t have if they had come on my first night in town. No, this blog isn’t for the guys that are new to the scene now – it’s for all the people who I thought were dicks when I first got here. And the message is this: My bad. I see why I had to earn my spot now.
Read more!

Open Mic Closings and a city full of openings

Well folks, there seems to be a widening, mack-truck sized hole with which to park that open mic or showcase you've been dreaming about starting.

Taglines open mic which I believe only started a couple of weeks ago, is a victim of the closing of it's host restaurant, the Fire Rock Grill. The Bistro Europa has also closed, leading to the cancellation of the long-running Sunday open mic headed by Lance Smith.

We here at DCC4N have been doing our best to compile a list of possible show locations if you are contemplating the jump to producer. If you have any suggestions for places in the District that would be great for hosting shows, please let us know in the comments or drop us some gmail.

Why produce your next show in the District and not on the outskirts?

(read on to find out why!!)

More shows in the District will help aide the cohesiveness of the comedy scene. Chicago doesn’t have a thriving comedy community because of all of the great shows in Aurora the same way New York isn’t a destination because of the industry in Westchester. When people come to visit DC and want to check out what our fair city has in the way of comedy, they shouldn’t have to go to Woodbridge or Shirlington or other places that people have made up in an effort to fool me into thinking that there are shows that I am missing out on there.

At this point, not only do a majority of the area's comedy shows happen outside of the city, but I can only think of 4 currently running that actually happen inside of it. And that's bad news for any comic without a vehicle because that makes it pretty damn hard to fill your calendar. This is a town where you certainly don't need a car and the result is a city full of people who rely on metro on their nights out. Producing in the city will aide in your ability to secure quality comics and quality audience.

Maybe I'm over-analyzing it, but I think a more centralized scene would go a long way to change the national perception of the DC comedy scene. If you look at the facts, there are small rural areas that produce more local comedy than DC, a city of 600,000 people. If there is one thing I can say for absolutely sure is that DC is filled to brim with ridiculously talented comedians that are ready to plucked into stardom, we just need to make the "AVAILABLE" sign a little bigger and a little brighter.

Read more!

"He knows if you've been sleeping......"

Merry & Happy Christmahanukwanzakah,

I hope everyone had a wonderful respective holiday of choice these past few weeks. I know I had a wonderful Christmas back home. I now have quite the sweater collection. Also, this X-mas marked somewhat of a momentous occasion for the family. My little brother, Christopher, found out that Santa does not exist. I remember when I was a child it was my neighborhood friend Alex that told me Santa wasn't real, along with where I really came from (not a cabbage patch, mom) and what a girl's hoohaa looks like (put your hands together, separate the middle fingers and place them inside my hands.....ewwww!) My folks told Chris and I think it was proper for them to pop the bubble they perpetuated throughout his life. But, it did make we wonder how Christian families can justify lying to their children about Santa, but then say other things just as supernatural and unexplained, are true.

[Hit the jump! What are you, a Grinch?]

"Chris, you know that man we told you that lives in the North Pole with elves, rides around on flying reindeer, slides down peoples' chimneys and give gifts to every good boy and girl in the world all in one night? He is not real."

"Santa doesn't exist?"

"Yeah, Chris. I think you are old enough now to know."

"But, what about the man who was born of a virgin birth, can walk on water and cured the sick and blind, was killed but rose from the grave three days later and will come at the end of time to take all the good boys and girls to heaven?"

"Oh, Jesus? Yes, he is still very much a real person."

"Mom, I kinda wish Santa was still real, too."
Read more!

Nick Turner: Joke Killer

When Jason branded me a joke killer a couple of months ago, I thought it was a bunch of hogwash kept in a large vat of hooey. I have been proved wrong every day since. I have a tendency to crush jokes everywhere, in an effort to remain the only funny person in any room I enter. It works for me, but occasionally nice, well meaning comedians get caught up in my whirl of joke killing and I end up hurting good people. When we sent out an email about the start of our new Monday night open mic, many people responded with requests to do the show. One man, however, unexpectedly bore the brunt of my wrath and it just so happened to be, hands down, the nicest dude in the DC Comedy scene. I couldn't feel worse about it so I decided to make things right by posting this email thread I had with one Haywood Turnipseed Jr. (I guess that is his real name.)

[The picture above is the only one I could find of someone named Haywood.]

From Haywood: Is there sign-up prior to the show? Or is it 1st come, 1st serve. Thanks for the info too.

Peace
Haywood Turnipseed, Jr.
Perfectly nice email question. What a sweetheart this man is.

From me: Just come on down. First come, may turn into a lottery but we'll see.
Starting off perfectly cordial. At this point I am sober and not breathing fire.

Haywood: Thanks again; I''m not going to be able to make this week, obviously, with the late email and all. Any-who, I'll be down next week for sure, good Lord willing and the creek don't rise.
Here is where the problems begin. I thought he was giving me shit because i took too long to get back to him. Not the case. He emailed this to me during our show. That's what was obvious. To everyone but me.

Me: wow...sorry we offended you...
see you next week, obviously...
What a dick! Are you kidding me? Who raised me?! What an embarrassment I am to the comedy community and world at large. Also, very drunk at this point and will no longer be answering emails in this state. I might has well have been clubbing baby seals on stage at the Improv. Go fuck yourself, me.

Haywood: I'm sorry; I wasn't offended; I was trying to be funny. My own email, that I myself sent to you, was late...... I think the Good Lord comment confused everything. I'll be more straight forward in emails sent in the future.
The Future:
I was happy to receive the invite but I was not able to attend; I hope that I offended no one by my own faith, in my own humor. Sometimes I am the only one to understand myself; obviously. ... Please find no offenses in this email, as I am just learning how to bring my comedy all together. Also, am I still allowed to come out next week?
Peace
Haywood (just a normal guy w/feelings...obviously)
Are you kidding me?! Oh my god, I want to crawl into the jaws of a lion. I am clearly in an email war with a Southern Gentleman/superhero. My good sirs, I am going to hell in a handbasket full of sweet tea. Haywood, "I do declare" you the nicest man on earth.

Me: I'm an asshole.

People, if you see Haywood around the scene, tip your hat and apologize to him on my behalf. And if you have a show, put him on it. I'm going to do my best to get him to do mine. This one's for you, Haywood.

Read more!

Headshot? They should call it no shot! Ha Ha Ha ughhhhhhh.

Disclaimer: My writing and grammar has not improved since the last blog. However, I am still awesome.

Headshots are a vital piece of every performers press kit. I could write some solid detailed advice about headshots but why re-invent the wheel when you can click here for that info. Besides I'm only writing this blog so that I can make fun of the headshots below. So let's get started and I'll throw some of my own helpful advice in along the way.


Rule 1. Have Fun!
Sure Ranger Frank may be saying "Don't hire me. I am clearly unstable" with this headshot but I guarantee you he had a fun time in that photo shoot!


2. Think it through
Maybe head shots aren't for you if you're ugly. Listen. Now of course not everybody looks like Brad Pitt but you've got to work with what you've got. CAMMAN! Use some common sense and look in a mirror.

3. Does your headshot match your material?
There's two parts to this one. First, if your wife is in your headshot...get another headshot with just you. Why would you do that? Second, if you going to keep a headshot that has both you and your wife in it...don't do 45 minutes of material on banging German teens while on business trips. The audience won't respect you.

4. Don't try to be too clever.
You're not impressing people with your ability to grow your hair. Keep it simple jackass and just use one picture.

5. Black & white or color?
It really doesn't matter if your headshot is in black & white or color if you look like you touch children.

6. Dress appropriately.
I can't really knock this guy. He looks like every DJ at every wedding I have ever been to. If that is the look this guy is going for...then he nailed it! He is throwing a little something extra in there too. SASS!

Shhh. Dj Robbie Rob is about to tear the roof off this place with a back to back mix of Real McCoy. Oh, it's not just "Another Night"...it's THE night. "Run Away"...

No seriously. Run away.

Read more!

DC Comedy Football League

For the past two Saturdays several of DC's finest comics have been getting together for a friendly game of backyard football. We have a wide range of skill level, ranging from talented to fat. I've never played football with a bunch of comics, but it's refreshing to play with a bunch of people whose attitude is, "I don't give a shit". It's way better than the competitive assholes who will make you re-play a down if they think someone step out of bounds on play. We play two-hand touch because we are comics, and that means that the majority of us do not have health insurance. If you're interested in playing, allow me to run down the players and their skill level as I see it.

JAY HASTINGS: Fucking Amazing!
JOHN MCBRIDE: A lot of heart at QB, but scouting reports have his 40 too high.
JASON SAENZ: He blocks like a brick wall. Good hands too, but nervous in front of cheerleaders.
KOJO MANTE: Tall, fast, good hands, and friendly...but he's a ball hog and lazy.
LARRY POON: Would like to throw the ball more, and not run as much.
JASON WEEMS: He's quick and gives 100% every play. His speed comes from living in Baltimore.
BRYSON TURNER: He is the white Anthony Gonzalez. Good for team spirit.
NICK TURNER: Would like the ball more. Slow...but good hands! He's a Gemini.
RANDOM GUY ON A BIKE (DRE): I think he played some Junior College ball. But he couldn't stay from gambling. Great vertical!
ZARN: Fast, good looking, great looking, well dressed, and a smile that would melt your heart.

Well, that's the run down of the people whose name I can remember. Every Saturday we'll be playing on the baseball field in Adams Morgan. You should could out and play with us if you're not scared. Read more!

Open Mic Over Population

Anyone else think it’s time for some more comics to start their own rooms? If last nights bread line of an Open Mic proved anything, it’s that John McBride does way too much for the DC Comedy Scene and countless comics ride his coattails. He runs Rendezvous every Wednesday night with NO help, and he co-operates The Bomb Shelter with me every Thursday. Other comics in the community that run their own rooms and help provide Life for a fledgling, near death open mic scene in this town are: Tyler Sonnichsen with the Laughing Lizard (which is Bi-Weekly and a great room), Lance Smith has Bistro Europa on Sundays, and of course The Godfather Curt Shakelford runs his rooms. I know that there are other comics in the area that put on shows in the outskirts of the DC Metro Area like Jim Pate with Brittnay’s or one of the shows in Columbia, Maryland. However, where the hell are the weekly shows to perform in DC? Wednesday is The Vous and Thursday is a showcase show. Monday’s are fucking DEAD. Tuesday are DEAD, but I have heard that Café Japone might be opening back up. However, I was there on Tuesday and the owner was trying to make people pay $15 dollars to watch a fucking open mic. Friday night...DEAD again. Then Saturday if you’re lucky you can get up at Tyler’s Laughing Lizard.

Why don’t more comics take action and try to do something for themselves. Fuck the community, do it for your own stage time. Be greedy…I am. Find a space, create a show, and make time for yourself and for your friends and for good comics. I don’t understand why people sit on their ass and wait for shows to pop up. Go find a place! Last night at TheVous there were almost 30 FUCKING COMICS! So, instead of comics getting 5 - 10 mins, everyone got 2 MINS!!! I know I really got a lot out of reading joke premises out of my notebook. The ecosystem that is the open mic scene is so out of balance. In nature when a population explodes, and the environment can no longer sustain that population…you know what happens? It fucking dies. So are there any comics out there who will take action and start a new environment to sustain us? Cause if not we can just treat it like overpopulated deer, and start shooting the weaker, slower, can't detect camouflage comics (Jon Mumma would have a field day!). There are a handful of us who have rooms and try to produce quality shows, and it's really fucking hard.

“Go and do likewise gents. Otherwise, I have no sympathy for you.”
Blake – “Glen Gary, Glen Ross” Read more!

"Hey DC! You are smart, but ugly and unfriendly!"

Taken from our friends at Mission Critical.

A Travel & Leisure survey on America’s Favorite Cities reveals what people really think about the District of Columbia and other major US cities.

People Category & Rank (out of 25)

Athletic/active 17th
Attractive 24th
Diverse 4th
Friendly 23rd
Fun 25th
Intelligent 4th
People (Overall) 16th
Stylish 18th
Worldly 1st

Wow, is this any surprise? I have to think that the majority of people in this country don't think that working for the federal government, being a legislative assistant on the hill, a non-profit social worker or a lobbying suit on K Street are "fun" professions to be in. I know there is more to DC than just that, but do people who have never lived here think any different?

So, what does that mean for comedians in this city? If you are one who is serious about your craft and does everything you can to succeed in it, then you know what that means.

Culture Category & Rank (out of 25)

Architecture/notable buildings 1st
Classical music 6th
Culture (Overall) 2nd
Historical sites/monuments 1st
Museums/galleries 1st
Theater 6th
Underground arts scene 14th

Alright, this is interesting. Obviously DC is known for its monuments and important landmarks. These rankings relect the obvious appreciation for american history in this country. A visitor wants to see the Smithsonian Museums, Capital Building, White House, National Archives, etc. Heck, even our growing theater scene is mostly Shakespeare! There is definitely a yearning for the past in this city.

But, when it comes to comedy there is no going back. There is love and appreciation for comedians who have paved the way for us, but that cannot be experience like a 200 year old building or document can. I will never see Richard Pryor or Mitch Hedberg perform ever again. Therefore, comedy has to always be changing. Always pushing a new idea. A new perspective. That is comedy at the roots. So, in a city that is known for its historical influence, can it also be expected to be the place where new creative thoughts are develop?

Really, isn't that the ol' complaint people have against politicians? "Different person, same shit."

Click the link above to see what else people have to say about DC. HINT: We aren't as ugly as Philadelphians! Read more!

Hi, I'm back from Israel!

This is Israel. Well, it's not all of Israel, but it's a city in Israel. It's actually Jerusalem. I went there, and it's a lot like Mrytle Beach; except replace putt-putt and fried seafood with Jesus and religious gift stores. Other than that they're the same.



This is the Western Wall, or the more common "Wailing Wall". It's the most holy thing in the Jewish faith according to my tour guide. People go ape shit here. There was a couple of Hasidic Jews banging their heads on the wall and really praying up a storm. Here is something I found interesting: You know how Muslims and Jews haven't historically gotten along, well I won't go into the historic details, but let's just say that they've got religious beef. Anywho, the 3rd most important spot in Islam sit directly above the Wailing Wall. So guess what happens from time to time when you put a bunch of religious, nuts (on both sides) next to each other? Yep, some shit pops off. So, why in Allah's name do they have to remain next to each other? It should be like grade schoole and the teacher moves the kids to opposite sides of the classroom. Who wants to pray in South East Asia!!!?



The Dead Sea is amazing. You float so easy because of all the salt. I felt like I was Peter Pan and flying on water. It's a really good time. However, there is a hitch in the fun. If you have ANY cut on your body it is really painful. And I mean ANY. Like let's say you had an upset stomach and had to take a healthy poo poo before you went swiming in the Dead Sea. And this particular poo required extra paper work and it gave you a case of the Red Ass. If this happened to you then your asshole would feel like it was dipped in a burning, openly infected herpies sore. Yes, that's what happened to me. However, it was instantly healed 12 hrs later.

I enjoyed Israel. Read more!

unfair

Read more!

Never Leave a Sock Behind!

Last night was a much need laundry night for yours truly,i had gotten down to my last pair of clean underwear. So i headed over to my local Laundromat on Ontario Road and began the wonderful process of shoving 1,000 quarters into the machine. Sitting watching my clothes tumble over and over is not my idea of fun, so thankfully i had dragged Nick out with me to grab dinner while my clothes where in the dryer. Now, the laundromat's hours are 7:30am to 7:00pm but you would think that would mean that the last load would be at 7pm, like other laundromats do. But, nope! After Nick and I return with our bellys full of hot and sour soup, we arrived to find that they have locked up the laundromat exactly at 7pm, like they had some hot date to get to or something. My clothes still inside.

"Oh, you got to be kidding me!" I yelled. I immediately began to worry. That was a very important load of laundry trap behind those rusted iron bars and I was afraid I might never see them again. What a horribly embarrassing situation that would be. How to you shop again for ALL of your underwear? Walking up to the counter with 10 pairs of boxers just tells the clerk your life is in disarray. What do i say? That someone broke into my apartment and just robbed my dresser? How do you recover from that? Plus, i felt bad for my clothes. They were probably all very scared alone in the dryer, wondering if their owner had abandoned them and if they will ever have the pleasure of covering my ass and genitals again.

Thankfully, I ran over there this morning @ 7:30am to find them still in the dryer. Wrinkled but at least clean, dry and back in my loving arms again. Never again, my boxers. Never again I promise. Read more!

the lines have been drawn

BLOG WAR!

Ever since we began this blog we have waited for the chance to burn another blog to the ground and raise our DC Comedy 4 Now flag over their cyber-cinders. Just like at the War of 1812, no one knows who took the first shot. She may have. I was drunk alot this past weekend I could of said something offense...em...doesn't matter now because virtual-cyber-internet-blog-war has been declare!

The enemy. Know her well. Natasha Rothwell. Owner, blogista and properitor of gigglethrottle. Take a moment to sneak in behind enemy lines. Make sure to bring your biohazard suit with you. She is known to spread mustard (not the gas) all over the place. And if the blog about Tom Selleck's mustache doesn't make you wish you were back in the loving arms of your sweet dame, then her love for all things "Into the Wild" will.

I know all you good people of the DCC4N Nation are at this very moment running around your homes grabbing any scrap iron, rubber and war bonds you may have lying around to help the cause. But, there is something much more important you can do to contribute.

Visit our sites often.

WAR ON! Read more!

AT THIS VERY MOMENT, AS I WRITE THIS, NICK TURNER & JASON SAENZ ARE HOLDING PISTOLS TO MY HEAD. So DC, whats going on? Been a while, but everythings been good on my end. Now the reason that I don't blog more on this site. Jay Hastings' internet writings scare me.

THE PISTOLS HAVE BEEN LOWERED.
blogging over.

kojo Read more!

DC Comedy takes the day off to celebrate our FAVORITE Holiday!

Learn about some fun (and funny!) ways to make your Columbus day a memorable one. "MMMM! This pox blanket is warm!" Spend your day in D,C! (Denver, Colorado) Read more!

Nick Turner: Joke Killer

Read more!

Google Ranking for this blog: 192!

Whenever I have new blog, I am always very concerned as to where it ends up in the Google rankings. When typing "DC Comedy" into the Google search engine, this blog is currently the 192rd entry. We can do better than this DC! I know we are new but we are also the most impatient of all blogs about DC comedy.
However, with any amount of success there inevitably will be people left in your wake. Who now has to go through life in the embarrassing #193 position? Well that would be everybody's favorite comedic juggler, Rich Potter. So to help make his day a little less sad, we are going to tell the whole world what's up with Rich these days.

Rich has more than a few headshots on his website but I chose this one as my favorite because it's the only one where he's not holding any juggling equipment. Rich is given the daunting task of trying his best to portray the fact that he is a comedic juggler with only a smirk and a slight shoulder raise and I must say the man pulls it off expertly.

This ain't no average juggler here folks. Apparently Rich was once on Letterman! I know this because on his website he boasts a quote from Paul Shaffer detailing the brilliance of his performance. "Definitely," says Paul. I'm not sure if there was more to that quote or if it was just Paul's response when Rich asked if he could get him a cup of coffee but a quote like that doesn't lie folks. Definitely. Read more!

How did they NOT cast 'Cowboy Curtis'?

Go to Youtube and enjoy (cringe at) this movie teaser. It's unreal. Read more!

"More like Hurlfriend." HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I have never heard genuine laughing coming from the CEO's office. Ever. That made me think: does anyone really have a great fake laugh? I have a pretty bad fake laugh because it is so far away from my regular laugh. I don't know why that is. I mean, it is like a cross between The Jolly Green Giant & Roger Rabbit. People have got to know I am blowing smoke up their asses. But, I don't mean to! I am actually trying to give them support out there. I think that joke SHOULD of been funny and I sorry it was not. Therefore, I will half heartily make laughing like noises from my mouth. THAT IS SUPPORT!

Sometimes I think i am not going to fake laugh anymore, because it dilutes the overall product. But, then again i am scared I might go to a show, movie, or lunch with someone I am trying to impress and sit there silent like a pompous ass because I really don't think they are funny. I guess in this world of comedy you have to lie a little to everyone's face, even if they are your friends.

P.S. Please lie more so with me. I don't care if I get fake laughs, real laughs, or a laugh track. I am a laugh whore. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (wow, i can't even convincingly fake laugh at myself) Read more!

Events of Today (or at least you think so)

***I was staning behind a guy in Subway today when he let loose and blew ass. He didn't even flench. He just unlock his gas pipe and pushed out a toxic cloud of sulfur. I was completely shocked, and somewhat admiring of this nasty bastards courage to rip a huge fart in public. As soon as it came out of his ass I started to worry that I would be blamed for it. Because in my mind he didn't look like a public farter, and I think I do. Everyone in that Subway is wearing a tie with slacks and I've got on a t-shirt, dirty olive green chinos, sporting flip-flops, and weating a ball cap. I assume everyone in there thinks I'm the farter, because I look like the poor bastard that didn't learn when and where to fart. But I just start to look around and sorta make eye contact with people as if to silently convey, "Did you just hear what this motherfucker did? He farted! He publically broke wind and violated our olfactory system. Please, believe me when I gesture with my eyes that I am innocent of this." Then I realized I pretty much hate everyone in that goddamn line and wouldn't even care if they thought I was the Anit-Christ. And then I wished I could fart but I can only burp on demand, and that's just tacky.

***I have been going to this imaging store to make flyers for over a year and a half. They all know me in there, except this one bastard who refuses to acknowledge the fact that he recognizes me. Everytime he has to help me he looks at me like we've met in another life, and then goes, "Hi, how may I help you sir?" FUCK YOU! You know my goddamn face. Knock the "sir" shit off and gimme the usaual you smug shithead. I hate that "sir" shit. He's 49 years old and younger than his grandkids and he calls me "sir". Gross and not needed. Instead of treating me like a regular customer he's put me on this alter of glorified customer and now I feel sory for the bastard because he calls me "sir". I'd prefer him saying, "Hey motherfucker you got you stupid ass fliers for us to enlarge? You can pick 'em tomorrow faggot!" I'd like that because it's like I have a friend on the inside; not some smug, propper "yes man" on the inside who'll never break the rules for me. I WANT A REBEL MAKIN' MY COPIES!!!

***I don't know how the people that work in Starbucks, Caribou Coffee, or anything other coffee shop can't be aware that there are homeless people sitting in there establishment. I can't stand seeing homeless people inside coffee shops. And it's not because I have some sort of hatered towards them, it's just that I don't want to feel depressed when I'm getting a goddamn cup of coffee. I'm going inside for a pick me up, not to be reminded that and I quote "goddamn fikus tree better not tell the marbles that the weatherman said it's gonna be another hot one...marbles don't like to sweat!" Make it a triple espresso because the dude with a dreadlock the shape of a beaver tail as pissed on my morning sunshine. I walked into Caribou this morning and BAM homeless lady eyeballing me as soon as I walk in. Well, I can't bluff my "no change" excuse as I'm fumbling for exact change because I know my medium Americano is $2.87 on the dot. Plus, it wasn't even hot today. It was a really nice morning. I would have totally sat outside and enjoyed my coffee if I didn't have to be at work. What the hell was she doing wasting of the few goods it is to be homeless? That's frustrating. If it's 72 with a gentle breeze outside...enjoy being homeless. It's literally NOT going to rain on your parade. HAHA...I wonder how many homeless have been having a parade in their head and it started raining and they're like "FUCK, FUCK, FUCK YOU BARBRA STREISAND!!!"

***That show "Little People, Big World" is great. However, I like watching it high because every time their normal sized kids come on screen it's like I'm watching that Geico commericial where the house is super tiny. I feel sorry for those kids. That's gotta suck. Also, I don't like the fact that the midgets call normal people "average" height. That's got to be the most fucked up math. There aren't that many fucking midgets to bring the national height average down that far.

Enjoy the blog. Read more!