Nice Backhand! You Must Have A Lot of Practice.

by Lisa Fine and Aparna Nancherla

Comedians need compliments. For just 70 compliments a day, you can save a comic's life. We 're so hungry for praise—FEED US. Of course, laughter is the highest form of a head pat/tummy rub for any comic. But there are also the stray comments after a show that can pump us up for days or send us into a spiral of paranoia. Sometimes the only thing worse than getting no compliments after a set, is getting a "compliment".

Let's call them camman-pliments.

Here are some example of these ego face slaps with a (back)handy categorical system to decode the true meaning. We hope you will post some comments with some of your favorite (or most hated) camman-pliments.

Some of our personal thoughts follow in red.

SHA-ZAMMO!!!
photo courtesy of Flickr and toga

Parliament of Grievances:

Appearance-Related (avoiding completely the substance of your set)

You look taller up there! (Oh, interesting...because you look shorter from up there!)

I saw your set; Did you lose some weight? (Yeah. I had the baby right before I got onstage.)

That was a really funny T-shirt you had on!

Wow, you look good in makeup. Who knew?

You should have your hair like that more often.

You looked confident.

You looked tired up there. (Hmm, oh I see, it's just an insult. There are no layers.)

Hated You, But Maybe I Need a Stronger Word Than Hate

Wow, I didn't realize how many people did standup...

I guess anybody can do it!

That was...greatttt (teeth grit).

Do you watch that show Last Comic Standing? There's a lot of good comics on that show. I loved the guy in the banana costume.

ZAPPPA-CHAPPA!!!
photo courtesy of Flickr and toga

You should use some of Melissa's stories. She has the zaniest stories.

Now that I know you do this, I'll keep an eye out for good jokes that you can do.

You should talk about the time you did that embarrassing thing. Now that was funny.

I'm sure you'll get better and better the longer you do it!

I liked the part where you said the word "sex." You should do that more!

Wait, how long have you been doing this? (Not long enough, huh?)

Sorry, I'm just not a loud laugher! (However, you are a particularly loud groaner.)

That was clever. Not the kind of thing you laugh out loud at per se, but very clever.

Don't quit your day job but also stop doing comedy.

I thought you did pretty good considering...(leaving 'considering' vague)

Your mouth actually looked like it was moving!

This must be great practice for public speaking.

That could really come in handy for your job. The one you still have and are not going to quit, right?

Jim does the best Ahnold Schwarznegar impression. Do it, honey! Do it!!! He should totally do standup, right? (Don't come to me for affirmation. Too soon.)

You should swear more and get all mad. That would be hilarious.

You know what would be really funny? If you did X, Y and Z. (But throw out what you have now)

You Were Weird

Very original.

Your act is very take it or leave it.

KA-POWWWWOWOWOWOW!
photo courtesy of Flickr and toga

You should do a ventriloquist act.

It's hard to do comedy that alienates people, but I liked it!

Very subtle. (Unlike you.)

Good for You, Awwwww

Wow! You are so quiet in real life, but you really got it going on up there.

You look like you were having fun up there!

I'm glad you found something you love.

I liked your little show.

I'm glad you are doing comedy, we need more [fill in the blank]. (Blank could be a) girls, b) Jews, c) Indians, d) short people, or e) all of the above.)

That was cute.

PA-TOOOOOEY!!!!
photo courtesy of Flickr and toga

Well...I liked you! (Sean Gabbert has a brilliant joke on this one.)

You should stick with it. I liked the part where you did the voice. (Just that one part?)

You are so quiet. I never knew that you could say things! You said so much stuff! Good for you!

I didn't realize you have so much to say...

You had some good writing in there. (Where? Where?)

You were the only girl! It must be hard to be the only girl.

Wow, you are so brave.

Wow, you didn't look at your notes. Good job!

Wow, how did you memorize all of that?

Diversion Tactics (usually used because person does not feel strongly enough to say anything about your act)

A. Sadistic Inquiries/Feedback

Do you ever get heckled? What is that like? Let's talk about it a lot. See, I didn't heckle you! (Yeah, thanks dude.)

Can I see your notes? (Does it say "don't be too funny" on there?)

Do they pay you anything for these shows?

I didn't heckle you cuz I thought it might mess you up.

You should take a few shots, and then get up there. Loosen you right up!

B. Actually, Let's Not Talk About You

Is that guy as crazy offstage as he was onstage? I mean, that guy was crazy!!!

You were way better than that one guy. P U!

I saw your set. You look like Wendy Liebman. But you didn't have her same style of jokes. Her jokes are really good.

BLIP-BLAP-BLAZOOOOKA!!!
photo courtesy of Flickr and toga

That one guy was great.

Well, I'm glad I finally made it out to see you.

You know who else likes comedy? John. He's always watching standup on TV. I can only watch so much, but he loves it. You should invite him.

I could never do that!

You know who would love something like this?

You shoulda heard Carrie ripping on all the comics. She had me laughing so hard.

Now you gotta come to my salsa dance recital! (As in, a tit for a tat...it's your turn now!)

You should tell more Indian jokes. You know who I love who does a lot of Indian jokes? Russell Peters! He is sooo great.

You know who I really like...

That was fun! We should go out more often (pointing to the friends they went with as if you had nothing to do with their fun night out).

You know who else does comedy? (Yeah...funnier people.)

C. Logistickled Pink

I never knew there was a comedy show here..all this time I had no idea. Did you know Melissa? She didn't know either!

I see why you like comedy; it looks fun.

You must be tired. We are! Gotta run!

BIFFFFFFOOM!!!
photo courtesy of Flickr and toga

You must meet so many funny people. Those other comics must crack you up backstage.

Wow, how do you have time for this, what with work and kids and all?

Looks like a fun way to meet people. (Yes, that's actually why I make fun of myself onstage...to meet people.) Read more!

There's No Business Like Show Business Unless You Consider the Dirty Business of Friendship

Here is a tale from the comedy crypt. It is also a heartchilling warning about the true test of friendship.

I was at an open mic the other night, and one of the newer comics brought a bunch of his friends to watch him (they made up the majority of the audience). They definitely laughed long and enthusiastically at all of his jokes moreso than for anyone else who went up (though overall they were not a bad audience by any means).

However, I overheard a convo between two of his so-called "friends" in the bathroom right after his set.

It went a little something like this:

"Friend" 1: So what did you think of him?

"Friend" 2: Well...I didn't think he was very good at all.

"Friend" 1: Yeah, I know...me neither.

"Friend" 2: He was so nervous! Stand up comedians aren't supposed to be nervous!

"Friend" 1: You could do better than he did!

"Friend" 2: I really could, couldn't I? I should try it sometime. I already have an act pretty much.

Also, let it be said that peeing was occurring on behalf of both parties the whole time and they knew full well I was in there eavesdropping on them! That's really what sealed the deal of impropriety for me.

photo courtesy of Flickr and Simon Davison

Horrific. I mean I guess it was nice of them to laugh during his set, but the post-show rundown managed to undo all of their good deeds and community service.

Meanwhile I felt like the maid who heard and saw too much!

I considered outing them for two seconds, but then I realized how much unnecessary harm I would do so I finished restocking the paper towel dispensers and I hightailed it outta there.

Please share your family and friend comedy horror stories. Or don't. I understand the pain is real and retains freshness far past the tell-by date.

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Double-Tying Your Shoelaces While Crying: Finding the Pre-Show Ritual That Works for You

The zone! Every performer craves it. That flight of fancy in which everything seems effortless, innovative and just plain right onstage. You're not even trying, and yet, you're beyond present in each moment. Everything clicks, including cameras later because, guess what? You're famous! No, you're not actually. But you feel like it. You feel better than fan fiction published in a nationally-acclaimed magazine! In fact, before Britney Spears' life went slightly awry, she titled her chart-topping fourth album In the Zone. In other words, the zone = artistic nirvana, or something approaching it.

the zone is difficult to put into words, but easy to picture. some say it looks like a waterfall, others say a swan.
photo courtesy of Flickr and Editor B

The zone is hard to describe really. So I'm not going to try. It's not even what this post was supposed to be about. Get back on track, me! This post is about how performers hope to get in the zone...i.e., any pre-show rituals or exercises done to get the ball rolling and to prevent utter awkward pie (Unless that's your act! Heyo! I just called myself out.) Pre-show rituals never guarantee anything, but they at least put our minds in a comfy place where we can deny the jitters and/or dance them away.

[Hit the jump for my pre-show rituals, as well as some perspective from comedic rock stars! And then, if you're brave enough, add your own! We will judge you on them, but you knew that already.]

My own pre-show rituals slightly differ for stand up versus improv, but are rooted in the same channeling of creative focus. Yeah, I did just use the phrase 'channeling of creative focus.' I did also just draw attention to it.

My stand up rituals involve going to the bathroom, being more antisocial than usual, reviewing jokes, stretching, studying the room for potential off-the-cuff bits, trying to write new material in meager amounts of time and annihilating negative thoughts using mental sunshine daggers. I also do a few breathing exercises to prevent the panic attack that inevitably rises in my sternum before any open mic/show/gynecologist appointment (Am I right, ladies?!)

warm ups can be creative, and so can you! girl on far right ain't havin' it.
photo courtesy of Flickr and eric.surfdude

For improv shows, there's usually a group warm up with your co-players, which involves getting your energy going and clearing your head of daily dust accumulation. I like warm ups that involve jumping as much as using your noggin. I also try and think of a few characters, lines, voices or scenarios, which some might constitute as "cheating" but no, not really. It's just brainstorming to prevent shitstorming onstage. It's also just to get my clinker thinking. I don't need to justify myself to any of you!

get yer head in the game!
photo courtesy of Flickr and Jason Gulledge

It's important to note that sometimes, none of these things work. And performing feels weird. Really weird. As if someone just gave birth to you right before you got onstage, you came out covered in slime, and then a roomful of people (or also commonly, a room devoid of people) expected straight no-nonsense entertainment (paradox, son!) before you could even blink for the first time. However, that's all to be gained through experience, exposure and lots and lots of uncomfortable times to come. I can't wait.

Important Funny Peoples' Two (Million) Cents:

Richard Lewis - "Most comedians do about the same at every night, and before it’s ‘where can I get a lap dance’ and then on to do their show. Me, I stay in my hotel room, like ‘Papillon,’ and study my stuff."

Margaret Cho - "I don't really have any rituals; I'm not a ritual person.... I read a lot, and I'm usually reading before a show."

Jim Gaffigan - "I smoke crack."

Jim Breur - "Absolutely nothing. I’m one of those comics who sees it like going to war: I just show up, look at the battlefield and pick my weapons."

Louis CK (on any pre-show rituals before taping HBO's One Night Stand) - "I just sit around. I try to contain myself and stay in one place, 'cause otherwise I'd go walking all over the place. But that's burning energy. I hate waiting. I want to get onstage, badly, especially at this f**king place, on this stage."

BONUS: Discussion thread on the Chicago Improv Network about dealing with stage fright.
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Writing in a Group But Feeling So Alone!

So I'd like to broach a stand up comedy topic, the likes of which has frequently been broached before. The other day I met up with some compadres for a joke-writing session. There were four of us total at the mah-jongg table, minus the combative nature of a good Chinese tile game session. First of all, I think the main purpose for writing with other people is running your ideas by another jokester's brain―similar to lobbing tennis balls over the net easy, hoping for a nice safe validation of a return*. But I face the same problem every time I write with other people. I feel weird sharing my ideas. That's right. The very purpose of getting together with others is wasted because Team Self-Esteem wants to tyrannically rule EgoWorld for another day.

Chiefly, I worry about things like this happening:

Comrade: Aparna, why don't you share a joke now?

Aparna: Oh no, it's ok. I'm still trying to get my notes together.

(Repeat this 3 times throughout joke-writing session)

Comrade: Aparna, I have to go in five minutes.

Aparna: (cautiously) Oh! Ok so I did have this one idea...

Comrade: I'm all ears!

Aparna: Alright, so I was walking on the street the other day...[yada, yada, fetus of a premise]

Comrade: (delicately raises one eyebrow then the other, searches for words, suddenly, lightbulb-over-head face) Oh, that reminds me! I have a new tag for my pogostick joke!

Aparna: (feels bad about herself)

photo courtesy of Flickr and Cold Cut


That's not to say that happens all that often. In fact, on more than one occasion, I've shared a mere idea blip, and it's been well-received. But then I realize I don't really want anyone else's help in writing out a joke because that feels like cheating. Yeah I said it. Cheating. Because if the other person goes somewhere better with my premise, it feels like it should be their joke, not mine. Even if they say, "no, it's yours, take it. Also, take my wife, please!"―it still feels kind of dirty. One possible solution is trying the joke onstage before taking it into a workshop format. At least that gives me a better idea of where I'd like to go with it, if anywhere, and helps me feel more in control.

Conversely, I don't mind helping other people with their jokes because it would never occur to me to take someone else's idea just because I helped them with it a little. Double standard, me!


there's nothing wrong with teamwork so share the ball.
photo courtesy of Flickr and pixeljones

Maybe the real issue here is I expect crumbs of genius to fly out of my mouth regularly during comedy writing sessions, and that's just not realistic. There will be hits, and by George of the Jungle, there will be misses! I still come up with a great deal of my material 10 minutes before I get onstage, or when I'm standing somewhere without a pen or a piece of paper.

Mos definitely, I think I write with other people because I am absolutely 100% bonafide lazy when it comes to making myself write on my own. Believe me, I've tried. Usually, I open up my notebook, smile wistfully at some underdeveloped premise embryos, and then just end up doodling question marks everywhere until the page looks like a 13-year-old's heartfelt 6th-period tribute to the Riddler.

So I think I will continue writing in groups―even if just to create the illusion of friendship. Speaking of which, I forgot to say that part. It helps to write with people with whom you are on good terms. As opposed to people for whom you harbor an intense secret dislike. You're welcome.

*Yes, I like analogies. Analogies are to me what cheese is to a baguette. Vital and sustaining!
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Dr. Showlove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love to Bomb

So on Sunday night, I was lucky enough to be part of a pretty stunning line-up of comedians at the DC Improv Comedy Lounge for an audition showcase for The Great American Comedy Festival (booked by Eddie Brill from The Letterman Show) and the Just for Laughs Montreal Comedy Festival. I only write of its prestige because it felt surreal to be on the line-up.

I was performing with comedians that made me gurgle carrot nubs of wonder onto my preemie bib when I first started comedy (Schlegel, Jackson, Myers, Smith, Maher, Mumma, Conner, White...the list goes on...Mante, Weems...that's it, I included everybody! Don't come hunt me!) I'm sorry, that should also be present tense. They still make me burp up pea fluff and awe on my baby bib when we are in the same room (it's awkward for me mostly).

So I was on this show, and I wanted to do a good job at least for myself, but also for my peers because their respect means a lot to me. I went up relatively early in the show and completed a solid set...for a bombing! A pretty solid bombing through and through. Mediocre response? Check. Audience interest wavering? Check. Manage to utterly disenchant a roomful of people within six minutes? CHING CHING CHING!


this man especially hated me!
photo courtesy of Flickr and rileyroxx

That's right. After a good deal of traveling, and "ooh look Aparna is gone and off conquering the world!" (which is not a rumor I started but rather Curt's light lady du jour, whoever that lucky dame may currently be...you have my blessings), I come back to do everyone, including myself, not proud via a less-than-stellar showing for a crowd that decided I am to comedy as rice is to the Atkins diet. I brought back an Atkins metaphor! No? Nothing? I accept your silence, and raise you one cricket farm. I actually didn't mind bombing. I'm pretty new to audition sets, and suddenly I've had to do several in the span of a few weeks so I think it's only natural the quality starts to peter pan off into NeverCleverLand.

Mostly I was bummed out the audience didn't like me at all. And by at all, I mean, really, they were actively polling each other for how they felt about me during my set. I got a copy of one of the handouts, and it read: "Do you like her? Check No, Hell Naw, or Not Even Comfortable Quantifying my Dislike in a Mere Two-Dimensional Square" They also instigated ways to get me off of stage quicker such as blank stares, talking incessantly in the corner, and hesitant pity laughter, all of which, they'll be apathetic to know, moderately worked.


the jokes felt wooden. i felt wooden.
photo courtesy of Flickr and julianrod (PBUH)

But once you realize you really did try and do your jokes justice, and you still couldn't really muster up any positive crowd sentiment, it gets kind of liberating after that. I've seen all of my favorite comics bomb. And honestly, it's more inspiring to me than seeing them do well, because I realize they are just as good with their bad sets as they are with their good ones. And that, to me, is part of what comedy is all about. After the show, everyone was gracious and nice in either avoiding eye contact with me, which is usually how I deal with comics who had bad sets (a cheap parlor trick to impress your enemies), and/or giving me conciliatory butt pats, which is how I usually self-medicate anyway.

So I am lucky! I am lucky to have failed and blogged about it. I am lucky to have amazing peers who do not disown me at the first smell of "this joke's not taking." I am lucky to have seen some of the amazing sets that people did have Sunday night. And I'm lucky that I got a swell opportunity, and I got to learn from it. *cue stage moms awwwing* *cue stage dads punching holes in walls* *cue stage babies looking 'on' as always*
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Aparna in LA. Aparna at NACA. Aparna Writing Bad Blog Titles.

I've been jetsetting the American States United for about a week. Last Wednesday, I was in the City of Angels, California. Yester-Wednesday I was in St. Louis, Missouri (More like misery with that wind chill! Am I right, crickets?!) Not bad for an 8-day stint. Tomorrow morning, I'm headed to Raleigh, North Carolina for the Dirty South Improv Festival.

Anyway, let's recap my travels with gusto and a dash of pepper!

*puts on chef hat, also incidentally blogging hat*

Los Angeleezy

I wish people in LA were only allowed to wear LA Gear. Not because it's a good idea, but because the idea amused me for three seconds. I love this city. I know it has a bad rep because of Hollywood floozies, but I really liked it when I was out there. Maybe because it's sunny there right now and it's frowny here right now. Maybe it's that. Or maybe it's because it's a vibrant and exciting city with infinite avenues for creativity.


LA-parna

The comedy shows I got to do in LA ran the full gamut of the stand up experience. On Wednesday night, merely a few hours after I was greeted by the waving fronds of palms, I got to do some time (sounds edgy) at the Hollywood Improv. The booker was kind enough to squeeze me on relatively last minute, and I got to do five happy minutes of punching the sky. That's a new expression I've coined for a fun set. The Improv is a typical comedy club, and there was a pretty amazing line up including Chris Porter from Last Comic Standing and a surprise appearance by Ty Barnett, also of Last Comic Standing.

I found people and other comedians to be generally friendly everywhere I went, and they came and talked to me after shows especially if they enjoyed a particular joke I did. Other shows I performed at included a place called Karma Coffeehouse, which was very similar to DC's very own deceased Soho Tea & Coffee open mic, including the appearance of memorable characters such as Treeman (a man standing 9-feet-tall dressed up like a tree - he only came to enjoy the comics, not to be one). I also attended an improv show called Cagematch @ UCB, which I would highly recommend. The two groups that performed (Convoy and Tigerpants) were both amazing.

I also did a show called Rocket Video, which was in a video store. No microphone. Just straight up in the back behind the foreign films section. Free beer and soda too! My favorite show that I got to do was called The Tomorrow Show, and it took place in a theater setting. It is hosted by three superfun dudes, including Brendon Small of Home Movies fame, and it starts at 12 midnight every Saturday night/Sunday morning and runs for a good two to three hours. This show is a variety show and includes music, comedy interviews, characters, stand up, and anything one could imagine up. It draws a regular faithful audience every week as well. I almost ended up doing my set in panda make-up. That's just the sort of thing that happens in LA.

NACA Convention in St. Lunatics, Missouri



I'll also briefly recap attending the national NACA convention this past Tuesday. NACA stands for the National Association for Campus Activities, and it's where college bookers go to choose their entertainment for the upcoming school year. Literally, every type of entertainment imaginable. Magicians, singer-songwriters, dancers, mimes, performance artists, public speakers (including Lance Bass), martial artists, clowns, exotic reptiles, improv/sketch groups, and of course, stand up comedians.

I, along with the other comedians on the Stand Up for Diversity College Tour, were part of the closing festivities of the convention. The audience for our showcase was probably a little over 1,000 people even though it was originally slated for 2,500. Still a bit of a formidable number for me to comprehend. The performance space involved two large jumbo screens next to you onstage as well as a digital clock timing you right by your feet. My set was a bit shaky, but wakka wakka NACA, what can you do?

After my set, all of us comedians went to the booth in the big open "marketplace" to schmooze with bookers and college students. It was a flurry of overstimulation, but definitely a memorable experience. It was like having to be one of the spritzer ladies in the mall except replace the perfume with pamphlets and DVDs. It was a good experience in self-promotion, and luckily it didn't involve accidentally spraying someone in the eye.

So that's it. I'll be fielding questions about my travels in person at an undisclosed time and location.
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Go F.I.S.T. Yourself

“Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages…”

We are just a week away from D.C.’s #1 competitive improv-comedy event!! That is right, WIT’s 2nd Annual "Fighting Improv Smackdown Tournament" (F.I.S.T.) is almost upon you.

Here it is from WIT’s official F.I.S.T. website:

“…Three-player teams do battle in a single-elimination style test of improv mettle where the audience determines who lives to fight another day. The action is fast. The tension is high. The consequences are severe... win your match and move on to the next round. Lose your match, and there's no road back but the one paved in shame.”

What is so awesome about the F.I.S.T (other than its name), is that it brings together improvisers from all backgrounds from all around the city. For example, competing in this year’s smackdown are some people you might recognize from this here blog, like Seaton Smith, Mike Bass, Mikael Johnson, and DCC4N's friend for life, GWU's ReceSs. Also, DCC4N contributors Aparna Nancherla and “yours truly” will be droppin’ elbows as well.

This is not an event to be missed folks. I plan on seeing as much as I can because 1) TICKETS DO SELL OUT 2) THE CROWDS ARE ALWAYS ROWDY AND READY TO RUMBLE 3) IT IS SOME OF THE MOST UNIQUE AND INNOVATIVE IMPROV YOU WILL SEE ALL YEAR LONG.

SHOWS START THURSDAY FEB 28th @ 8pm at the Flashpoint Theater in Chinatown.

Click here for F.I.S.T tickets
Click here for the F.I.S.T. Bracket
Click here for F.I.S.T Combatants

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"Oh No, You're Going to Blog About This, Aren't You?"

So I had a show this past Saturday night. I'm not going to state places or names, because if you had the time and the gumption, you'd be able to figure them out yourself. I'm not here to do your work for you, but rather to distract you from it. Anyway, I got to close out the show, which I've only done a handful of times before!

ANYWAY. Before the show, comic-who-shall-remain-nameless was kind enough to provide me with some negative feedback about my act. The only negative feedback I should be getting before a show starts is from the microphone! YEAH I SAID IT.



no, how do you really feel about my act? *SCREEEEEEECH*
photo courtesy of Flickr and aromano

Yes, so first off, let me just say I break all comedic feedback into two categories:

Positive Comments = Come-Onts, because they are come-ons and they make me want to marry/have babies from whoever said them to me (regardless of gender).

Negative Comments = CAMMAN-TS, because it's LIKE* camman, I have low self-esteem for life anyway! Do you really think I haven't already lectured myself on this very same piece of advice, in harsher terms, a thousand times anyway?!

*One of the criticisms was I say LIKE too much on-like-stage which is LIKE true, LIKE I get it.

So anyway, this guy starts off with some Come-Onts to sweeten me up..."I'm a fan of your stuff, I like your material BUT..." and then a million harpy daggers flew out of his mouth straight into the heart of my ego. And of course, all things about which I am currently insecure. He immediately realized afterwards he struck a bad chord though because some apologies and "hey, but what do I know"s ensued, but the drama unit had already been speed-dialed.

Well, what did Aparna do (WWDAD)?

I got jazzed. I realized I couldn't change anything about my act in the 45-or-so minutes before I went onstage. So I zen'd out by just beeing (= beer + peeing). I got excited for performing. I thought of extra things to talk about. And I realized what an amazing thing it is to be able to tell jokes to people onstage while they pay attention to you. And guess what? I had great fun! I actually ended up doing 30 minutes, which I've only done once before.

Of course, when I got off, Mr. Running (Com)Man(Tary) didn't fail to mention "Hey, looks like I ended up getting you all amped for your set! I mean, you were really going for that first 20! And, I mean, you petered off for the last 10 or so! But that first 20! I really got you pumped up!"

Yeah! Thanks for everything!


i have a bad-itude

EYE ROLL. BODY ROLL. EGG ROLL. KAISER PERMANENTE ROLL.

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Commence Self-Backpatting Program

I posted another blog on NBC's Diversity site. Before you roll your flexible yoga-toned eyes, I'll have you know it's about my struggles! That's right, my struggles. For a final time, my struggles. So you get to laugh last. And I mostly whimper.

Here ya go.

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I Blog Here But Also There, I Brag in Both Places Too

i got some phenomenal news recently. i thought i should share it since it's a new year and i want to come clean with both the bad, but the good as well.


self-congratulatory backpatting begins

i have a monthly blogging spot on here for a year, and other good news also revealed on this page (wear yer disbelief suspenders). thank you everyone for being a lovely and supportive community. you make me feel happy and lucky to be part of such a great thing! and i am excited for all the fantastic news i will surely hear back sooner rather than later about all the great things everyone else is doing! so thanks, DC. i hope to do you proud. yes, that's right, do you proud.
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I Spy a Lie!

hey there party people,

i just wanted to put an end to the rumors on the bottom lefthand side of this page that i'm "lovin 4 now" People magazine's 2007 sexiest man alive matt damon.

argument 1) he's married to a baby's mama. and they have civil rights to that baby!
argument 2) no.


i'm sure you're a nice guy, mr. damon, but i don't know you like that.
photo courtesy of Flickr and mamaa wolff

also the rationalization was "because i'm a girl." don't even get me started. i am mclovin 4 now the right to free speech.

i am mchatin 4 now side columns expressing blatant lies about people's personal innermost feelings.



i also still mchate littering.

i also mchate how after a funny movie comes out that is called superbad, people by the name of me can't stop mclovin on it by mcquotin it and mcmakin jokes related to it. also, mcfor the mcrecord, i mchaven't actually mcseen the mcmovie.

but since my real opinions apparently have no place on this blog, here's valuable information that you can actually use. new open mic starting december 3rd. that's right! MONDAY.

Where: SPY LOUNGE in Adams Morgan, DC.
Who: Tyler Richardson and Eli Sairs
Arrival time for comics is 7:30, show runs from 8 to 10. Sign-up is on premises.
For more info you can e-mail devohaven (at) gmail.com.
the website's pretty hip but don't let it scare you.

finally, local life and comic impresario brandon ivey wrote and photographed this exposé on his recent travels. it's awesome. just like brandon ivey. Read more!

Who Put Her on the Guest List?

So the club comedy ladder to success roughly works like thees.

You start out as an MC (i.e., host).

Den if yer good enough and have enoff material, you kin be a feature.

And one day if you survive "the game," you can hustle your way into a headliner spot.

That begs (or maybe panhandles) the question, where does the elusive guest set fit in?

Well, I'll tell you what. A guest star on a TV program is usually a movie star who has lowered their standards for a small chunk of time for the purpose of prostituting themselves and their career on a small gray screen as opposed to a ginormous silver one. But still, the point is, people still get excited! People watch! People coo! People ooh! whaddhya mean movie star on da tee-vee?! just tell me when and what channel!

By contrast, a comedy guest set is not quite as glamorous if you don't have the name recognition to back it up. Don't get me wrong. It's still impressive to be on the same bill as working comedians, but a guest set is also a timefiller and unless you're a special unannounced drop-in whose last name rhymes with Crosby or Steinmeld…it will probably be a tiny taste of amateurs gone wild (I only speak for my own act, so keep your panties bundlefree)!

So I had a guest set last night at the DC Improv. Thankful? Extremely so and other suckity-uppers. How did it go?! The guest set itself was fun. I had a good time! I made people expel puffs of air in guttural bursts. I left no premise unturned (this is a blatant exaggeration). I think I lost them a bit at the end, but you know, you're supposed to get the audience crimping for more professionalism. That's yer job and yer place in the entertainment social hierarchy.


is this thing on?
photo courtesy of Flickr and hiddedevries

But the weird part was what happened after the set. Y'see, how you feel about your comedy can be kind of superficial sometimes. And as much as I want to say I'm not dependent on external praise, well, that's just exactly it y'see, I'm dependent on external praise. That's part of the reason many (if not most) stand up comedians do comedy.

Sometimes I value a set by how I feel I did. But it's easier to be like Well, so-and-so said I'm awesome, and so-and-so is important and holds power. Thereby, I can feel good about myself until this high runs out, and I need to go back to my dealer (i.e., another show).

Or more realistically, Well, so-and-so didn't even talk to me, and so-and-so is important and holds power. Thereby, nothing I do is or has ever been of any consequence so I need to go home, write another angst poem, and put on more black eyeliner immediately!

Here was the guest set fallout, boyeee:

The headliner wasn't even aware I did a set. And fine. Why should he know or care?

But it was sad when I told him "I liked your stuff" and he looked at me like "that's nice. Why should I care?" And I was thinking "Well, you shouldn't really care."

But I think he sensed the desperation in my eyes because he was like "Are you a comic?" And I said "Meep. Yes."

"Are you local?"

"Yes."

"Did you go up?"

"Yes."

"How was it?"

"Oh, fun! The audience was a little weird though, you were right." (he called them weird! Not me! I was calling back to his set!)

"Yeah well, that's the kind of people I bring in."

*half turns around and walks away*

Awesome! Really glad we talked! Thanks for the advice! Has anybody perchance seen my sandhole?

The feature act was kinder in acknowledgement, and said "G'job, sweetheart!" with a medium-firm handshake. I liked everything except the 'sweetheart' tag. It's one thing if a male comedian would have gotten the exact same praise but somehow adding the 'sweetheart' to the end was like candy-necklacing the whole gesture. To candy-necklace is a verb I just made up that means 'trying to sweeten something up but creating the opposite effect.' Like if you put a candy necklace on a mean person…not only does it fail to make him or her sweeter, it grates at you even more that such a vile person is wearing a candy necklace.

Finally, the peanut gallery of postshow appraisal (which refers to the audience coming up to you after a show) can often flavor an otherwise blasé night savory and rich. The weird thing is I got no feedback from any women. Sometimes women don't like female comics, or maybe I didn't "speak" to any of them. I mentioned my period once. I don't get it.

Oh wait, I just remembered. I did get a smile from an Asian girl. But I don't know if that was intentional or if I was just in her line of sight and she was one of those always-smiles-to-prevent-any-and-all-possible-confrontations types. But here were my other earnings (I identify by race for my own useless purposes. It's not of any importance or weight so lay off!):

**old white man who said "nice work" in a very serious fashion (I like that I have a fan contingent in the old man department but the fact that he gave me this compliment while half-frowning makes me feel iffy about that whole thing. Like it was community service or something.)

**middle-aged white man who said I did great (he leaned across a circle of people to say this which upped the self-esteem boost a little higher than usual…he went out of his way!)

**tall buff black man who shook my hand and said he enjoyed the show (he could have said that to all of the performers but I choose to believe he decided to shake my hand and praise me to my face on behalf of the entire lineup plus he was so tall I was really tickled he even looked down to acknowledge me – my head came up to about his kneecaps).

**small asian man with distinctive ears (nodded rapidly and said "I really liked your stuff" AND shook my hand. I wanted to lie down after this compliment. It was powerful.)

**youngish white man with unidentifiable accent who was pretty effusive in his praise of me but said it the way you would say it to someone who needed their spirits raised (but was also a loud heckler at the end of the show which made me a little doubtful about whether his praise should even count or not), and then he tried to tell me a joke that I didn't understand at all hence rendering the social interaction a failure overall.

In conclusion, the night was a success!!! And earlier that day, I got to cuddle a puppy, and she was so excited about it, she peed on my foot!


a giddy attack of self-esteem
photo courtesy of Flickr and nouveau Read more!

Fancy Dress Idears

oh it's almost that time.

where we hide beneath crazy facades and pretend we're ok about ourselves and eat candy and demand results in the form of attention!

i'm not talking about lee hotti and friends.

i'm talking shalloween!

what are you guys going to be?

due to a traumatic experience last year that upset my work-life balance, i'm not even sure i'm going to dress up. however, i might dress down and wear burlap scrubs (doctor-peasant hybrid, eco-friendly).

but here are a few ideas for you good people, courtesy of the vorld vide vortex.

1) Goth Lolita

(also a lifestyle, FYI...why celebrate one day a year when you can celebrate a lifetime?)

2) Piece of Pizza

(i like the hat...nice touch, adds class. btw, someone will need to wheel you around as this is a legless costume.)

3) Mental Complex

(this is something you wear organically on your face and in your physicality rather than something you can 'make' or 'buy.' a real party-pleaser!)

happy haunting and flaunting!

and remember, the only thing spookier than a scary costume is the moment you realize you'll be alone forever.

note to sticklers: dr. dremo's has no open mic on wed. oct 31. but rendezvous does, i believe. Read more!