When Jason branded me a joke killer a couple of months ago, I thought it was a bunch of hogwash kept in a large vat of hooey. I have been proved wrong every day since. I have a tendency to crush jokes everywhere, in an effort to remain the only funny person in any room I enter. It works for me, but occasionally nice, well meaning comedians get caught up in my whirl of joke killing and I end up hurting good people. 
[The picture above is the only one I could find of someone named Haywood.]
From Haywood: Is there sign-up prior to the show? Or is it 1st come, 1st serve. Thanks for the info too.
Peace
Haywood Turnipseed, Jr.
Perfectly nice email question. What a sweetheart this man is.
From me: Just come on down. First come, may turn into a lottery but we'll see.
Starting off perfectly cordial. At this point I am sober and not breathing fire.
Haywood: Thanks again; I''m not going to be able to make this week, obviously, with the late email and all. Any-who, I'll be down next week for sure, good Lord willing and the creek don't rise.
Here is where the problems begin. I thought he was giving me shit because i took too long to get back to him. Not the case. He emailed this to me during our show. That's what was obvious. To everyone but me.
Me: wow...sorry we offended you...
see you next week, obviously...
What a dick! Are you kidding me? Who raised me?! What an embarrassment I am to the comedy community and world at large. Also, very drunk at this point and will no longer be answering emails in this state. I might has well have been clubbing baby seals on stage at the Improv. Go fuck yourself, me.
Haywood: I'm sorry; I wasn't offended; I was trying to be funny. My own email, that I myself sent to you, was late...... I think the Good Lord comment confused everything. I'll be more straight forward in emails sent in the future.
The Future:
I was happy to receive the invite but I was not able to attend; I hope that I offended no one by my own faith, in my own humor. Sometimes I am the only one to understand myself; obviously. ... Please find no offenses in this email, as I am just learning how to bring my comedy all together. Also, am I still allowed to come out next week?
Peace
Haywood (just a normal guy w/feelings...obviously)
Are you kidding me?! Oh my god, I want to crawl into the jaws of a lion. I am clearly in an email war with a Southern Gentleman/superhero. My good sirs, I am going to hell in a handbasket full of sweet tea. Haywood, "I do declare" you the nicest man on earth.
Me: I'm an asshole.
People, if you see Haywood around the scene, tip your hat and apologize to him on my behalf. And if you have a show, put him on it. I'm going to do my best to get him to do mine. This one's for you, Haywood.
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