Events of Today (or at least you think so)

***I was staning behind a guy in Subway today when he let loose and blew ass. He didn't even flench. He just unlock his gas pipe and pushed out a toxic cloud of sulfur. I was completely shocked, and somewhat admiring of this nasty bastards courage to rip a huge fart in public. As soon as it came out of his ass I started to worry that I would be blamed for it. Because in my mind he didn't look like a public farter, and I think I do. Everyone in that Subway is wearing a tie with slacks and I've got on a t-shirt, dirty olive green chinos, sporting flip-flops, and weating a ball cap. I assume everyone in there thinks I'm the farter, because I look like the poor bastard that didn't learn when and where to fart. But I just start to look around and sorta make eye contact with people as if to silently convey, "Did you just hear what this motherfucker did? He farted! He publically broke wind and violated our olfactory system. Please, believe me when I gesture with my eyes that I am innocent of this." Then I realized I pretty much hate everyone in that goddamn line and wouldn't even care if they thought I was the Anit-Christ. And then I wished I could fart but I can only burp on demand, and that's just tacky.

***I have been going to this imaging store to make flyers for over a year and a half. They all know me in there, except this one bastard who refuses to acknowledge the fact that he recognizes me. Everytime he has to help me he looks at me like we've met in another life, and then goes, "Hi, how may I help you sir?" FUCK YOU! You know my goddamn face. Knock the "sir" shit off and gimme the usaual you smug shithead. I hate that "sir" shit. He's 49 years old and younger than his grandkids and he calls me "sir". Gross and not needed. Instead of treating me like a regular customer he's put me on this alter of glorified customer and now I feel sory for the bastard because he calls me "sir". I'd prefer him saying, "Hey motherfucker you got you stupid ass fliers for us to enlarge? You can pick 'em tomorrow faggot!" I'd like that because it's like I have a friend on the inside; not some smug, propper "yes man" on the inside who'll never break the rules for me. I WANT A REBEL MAKIN' MY COPIES!!!

***I don't know how the people that work in Starbucks, Caribou Coffee, or anything other coffee shop can't be aware that there are homeless people sitting in there establishment. I can't stand seeing homeless people inside coffee shops. And it's not because I have some sort of hatered towards them, it's just that I don't want to feel depressed when I'm getting a goddamn cup of coffee. I'm going inside for a pick me up, not to be reminded that and I quote "goddamn fikus tree better not tell the marbles that the weatherman said it's gonna be another hot one...marbles don't like to sweat!" Make it a triple espresso because the dude with a dreadlock the shape of a beaver tail as pissed on my morning sunshine. I walked into Caribou this morning and BAM homeless lady eyeballing me as soon as I walk in. Well, I can't bluff my "no change" excuse as I'm fumbling for exact change because I know my medium Americano is $2.87 on the dot. Plus, it wasn't even hot today. It was a really nice morning. I would have totally sat outside and enjoyed my coffee if I didn't have to be at work. What the hell was she doing wasting of the few goods it is to be homeless? That's frustrating. If it's 72 with a gentle breeze outside...enjoy being homeless. It's literally NOT going to rain on your parade. HAHA...I wonder how many homeless have been having a parade in their head and it started raining and they're like "FUCK, FUCK, FUCK YOU BARBRA STREISAND!!!"

***That show "Little People, Big World" is great. However, I like watching it high because every time their normal sized kids come on screen it's like I'm watching that Geico commericial where the house is super tiny. I feel sorry for those kids. That's gotta suck. Also, I don't like the fact that the midgets call normal people "average" height. That's got to be the most fucked up math. There aren't that many fucking midgets to bring the national height average down that far.

Enjoy the blog.