Not Hating Just Saying: DC Comedy: 4 Now

Guys, I'm so happy! What do I love? Life and all of the beautiful creatures inside of it. Which is why I'm so glad I found this blog on Gawker this week. It's all about not hating on things and just saying stuff! Isn't that what this world needs, a blog about just straight up loving your common man? I agree. Which is why I couldn't have been more excited when they deemed us worthy enough to write a blog entry about! Oh my, we here over at DCC4N have never been this excited about the possibility of greatness in humanity. I actually haven't read it yet because I was so excited to share it with the world. So here it is...

Not Hating, Just Saying: DCC4N!
I'm not hating on DC Comedy 4 Now, but what the hell were you thinking? You kindly asked us to do a guest blog hating on you and your site!? We can barely contain ourselves. The funny thing is we already hated you! In fact, we had already written like 90% of this post. Our original plan was to hack into your site by figuring out your password which we are sure is probably something like "IthinkIm2good4DCbutIwillbeinDC4ever" and just put up the post ourselves. But thanks guys, thanks a lot 4 giving us the opportunity to shit all over your site…even though pretty much everyone is already shitting all over your site behind your back; but we are really glad that you are letting us bring it to the 4front. Maybe you can learn a thing or two about not hating on stuff.

[Hit the jump for more hate you can appreciate.]

Now be4 y'all get all pretentious with comedy and all your "success"...why don't you, oh, I don't know...get a "gig" doing comedy? You know what that is? Where a club will see you per4m and "like" your "jokes" and ask you to do more. 4 money! I know this is a crazy idea. I know you're all into the "art" of it all. And any sellouts who do something as shallow as get "paid" to do their art are probably hack comedians, and shouldn't be referenced on your site. But why not give it a try? Who knows, you might like it?

In fact, with that money, maybe you could pay to get some bigger names 4 your "Spotlight" posts. My favorite part is when you ask why they first tried stand-up. You should change that question to "Why did you have some free time 4-to-six months ago?" Don't worry―you'll get the exact same answers.
I'm not hating, but honestly, what kind of spotlight are you using...because the "stars" you're getting aren't all that bright. Is it burnt out? What is it― six, eight watts max? As much as I love to hear the expert opinions of a 20-set vet, maybe you could go ahead and wait until that kid you play "RockBand" with has a little more experience be4 you give him the "honor" of being "worthy" of being "spotlighted" on your "website" run by "comedians" who tell "jokes" that are "funny" and make an "audience" "laugh" "without" being "encouraged" by Nick "shouting" at them. Oh, sorry, we put too many quotes in that previous sentence. Some of them weren't needed―Nick really does literally shout at audiences.

The "spotlights" are so weak that you even have "spotlights" on all 3 of us! I have to say we had a hard time answering the questions because no one has ever asked us those questions before, because I am pretty sure that no one really gave a shit about what we had to say, and that is mainly because no one knows who the hell we are. How did you get the scoop on how John McBride's parents felt about him doing comedy before the the Washington Post did? I know they were all over that story! The weird shit is you guys do get legit interviews sometimes: Todd Barry, John Mulaney, Ted Alexandro...but then you follow it up with Bryson Turner AND Seaton Smith! That is senseless.

Really though, do you even have an actual "spotlight?" Or do you just use your cell phones as your spotlight, like you use it to light all the comics after their awkwardly silent 5-minute sets at your open mics at Chief Ike's, where DCC4rest-of-this-bulky-and-burdensome-acronym really draws its "multitude" of fans. Clearly this site is thriving when you can't even get people to go somewhere 4 free.

And it's not even just free! People who go to your shows actually get something, and you still can't get anybody to come! What do they get, you ask? Well, a lot of them get some really valuable in4mation regarding some inventive uses 4 cooking oil. Oh wait, that's not a good thing. No, but not only does that 70-something creepy lady in the red coat keep showing up to your guys' shows, but none of you will even admit that she's with you. Look ―so things aren't going that great 4 you in life, socially speaking. That doesn't mean you should be ashamed of who you're with.

And I think of all the people involved with your site, Aparna is the one we hate most. You know why? Because there is absolutely, undoubtedly, unequivocally, without question....nothing whatsoever to hate about Aparna. Believe us―we tried. We spent days trying to come up with some hate 4 her. Nothing. She's unhateable. It's like trying to hate on a fluffy blueberry muffin that spends its days feeding the homeless and nights hugging child burn victims. You can't hate her. You just can't. Do you know how bad that makes us look, as the ultimate deliverers of hate (non-haters division)? Terrible! That's why we hate you, Aparna. Because we don't. And that's the worst type of hate (But not really―we love you! We hate it, but we do).

And what about Jay Hastings, you ask? I feel like this is the point in the post where we reference a scene in one of those animated tv shows. You know the scene, when someone is so evil, that they meet up with the Devil, and you expect the guy to be really scared of the devil, but instead, the Devil gets really intimidated and is afraid of the guy and tries to kiss up to him like he's the Devil's boss? Well, I guess we're the hating devil, and all we have to say is...is there anything we can do 4 you? Coffee? Danish? Anything at all, sir? But seriously Jay, we love how you masterfully weave in racism and homophobia to your jokes when it's not even necessary. It's not even hating when you do it…It may actually be the only time where people feel sorry for the person being racist or homophobic. "Awww did you hear that? Poor little guy, he still thinks words like 'faggot' are funny."

And Jason I have this set at the DC Improv, can you do me a favor and let everyone know you walked out on it but still found the time to critique it? Please? I mean in your standup comedy experience that equals that of the time it takes to heat my coffee in a microwave, we wonder at Not Hating how it is you were able to sit through ten minutes of a twenty minute set of the opening act, and not be able to sit through the next half and watch Bill Burr. We were baffled to come to a conclusion; is it drugs or sex or both? No, we figured it out. You must have not realized that feature acts are only onstage for 20 minutes. Maybe you got your feature and headliner title mixed up, and you thought he was gonna do an hour. Cause it's just sad you couldn't sit for ten minutes. TEN MINUTES. You could have done anything to pass the time of ten minutes. I mean you could have walked in the lobby; made a phone call; called your aunt whom you haven't spoken to in years; made a play date; updated the resume; or stood in line in the bathroom, and jerked off in the stall, cause you sure as hell jerked off on your blog entry the next day.

Oh and Nick Turner, what's going on with him, you are wondering. Well, hell if I know, nobody does. You can only find him at one of the shows that he puts on. You know it's funny…you don't ever see him out at anyone else's show…I mean it's not because he isn't getting booked…right? I mean he's Nick Turner! The man who came down from New York to save the DC scene right? Wait…why the hell did you go from New York to DC? I've heard of alternative comedy be4, but not really alternative career choices. I hear all the aspiring actors are moving from LA to Omaha so they can really get their careers back on track. What's your next blog Nick? Bangkok Comedy 4 Now? Well, we can only hope. Have fun trying to get booked out there; I hear the Thai don't like being yelled at.

But seriously, way to go guys. Great site! I mean, you know, we're not hating, DC Comedy 4 Now, we're just saying.

Love,
Not Hating Just Saying