Nice Backhand! You Must Have A Lot of Practice.

by Lisa Fine and Aparna Nancherla

Comedians need compliments. For just 70 compliments a day, you can save a comic's life. We 're so hungry for praise—FEED US. Of course, laughter is the highest form of a head pat/tummy rub for any comic. But there are also the stray comments after a show that can pump us up for days or send us into a spiral of paranoia. Sometimes the only thing worse than getting no compliments after a set, is getting a "compliment".

Let's call them camman-pliments.

Here are some example of these ego face slaps with a (back)handy categorical system to decode the true meaning. We hope you will post some comments with some of your favorite (or most hated) camman-pliments.

Some of our personal thoughts follow in red.

SHA-ZAMMO!!!
photo courtesy of Flickr and toga

Parliament of Grievances:

Appearance-Related (avoiding completely the substance of your set)

You look taller up there! (Oh, interesting...because you look shorter from up there!)

I saw your set; Did you lose some weight? (Yeah. I had the baby right before I got onstage.)

That was a really funny T-shirt you had on!

Wow, you look good in makeup. Who knew?

You should have your hair like that more often.

You looked confident.

You looked tired up there. (Hmm, oh I see, it's just an insult. There are no layers.)

Hated You, But Maybe I Need a Stronger Word Than Hate

Wow, I didn't realize how many people did standup...

I guess anybody can do it!

That was...greatttt (teeth grit).

Do you watch that show Last Comic Standing? There's a lot of good comics on that show. I loved the guy in the banana costume.

ZAPPPA-CHAPPA!!!
photo courtesy of Flickr and toga

You should use some of Melissa's stories. She has the zaniest stories.

Now that I know you do this, I'll keep an eye out for good jokes that you can do.

You should talk about the time you did that embarrassing thing. Now that was funny.

I'm sure you'll get better and better the longer you do it!

I liked the part where you said the word "sex." You should do that more!

Wait, how long have you been doing this? (Not long enough, huh?)

Sorry, I'm just not a loud laugher! (However, you are a particularly loud groaner.)

That was clever. Not the kind of thing you laugh out loud at per se, but very clever.

Don't quit your day job but also stop doing comedy.

I thought you did pretty good considering...(leaving 'considering' vague)

Your mouth actually looked like it was moving!

This must be great practice for public speaking.

That could really come in handy for your job. The one you still have and are not going to quit, right?

Jim does the best Ahnold Schwarznegar impression. Do it, honey! Do it!!! He should totally do standup, right? (Don't come to me for affirmation. Too soon.)

You should swear more and get all mad. That would be hilarious.

You know what would be really funny? If you did X, Y and Z. (But throw out what you have now)

You Were Weird

Very original.

Your act is very take it or leave it.

KA-POWWWWOWOWOWOW!
photo courtesy of Flickr and toga

You should do a ventriloquist act.

It's hard to do comedy that alienates people, but I liked it!

Very subtle. (Unlike you.)

Good for You, Awwwww

Wow! You are so quiet in real life, but you really got it going on up there.

You look like you were having fun up there!

I'm glad you found something you love.

I liked your little show.

I'm glad you are doing comedy, we need more [fill in the blank]. (Blank could be a) girls, b) Jews, c) Indians, d) short people, or e) all of the above.)

That was cute.

PA-TOOOOOEY!!!!
photo courtesy of Flickr and toga

Well...I liked you! (Sean Gabbert has a brilliant joke on this one.)

You should stick with it. I liked the part where you did the voice. (Just that one part?)

You are so quiet. I never knew that you could say things! You said so much stuff! Good for you!

I didn't realize you have so much to say...

You had some good writing in there. (Where? Where?)

You were the only girl! It must be hard to be the only girl.

Wow, you are so brave.

Wow, you didn't look at your notes. Good job!

Wow, how did you memorize all of that?

Diversion Tactics (usually used because person does not feel strongly enough to say anything about your act)

A. Sadistic Inquiries/Feedback

Do you ever get heckled? What is that like? Let's talk about it a lot. See, I didn't heckle you! (Yeah, thanks dude.)

Can I see your notes? (Does it say "don't be too funny" on there?)

Do they pay you anything for these shows?

I didn't heckle you cuz I thought it might mess you up.

You should take a few shots, and then get up there. Loosen you right up!

B. Actually, Let's Not Talk About You

Is that guy as crazy offstage as he was onstage? I mean, that guy was crazy!!!

You were way better than that one guy. P U!

I saw your set. You look like Wendy Liebman. But you didn't have her same style of jokes. Her jokes are really good.

BLIP-BLAP-BLAZOOOOKA!!!
photo courtesy of Flickr and toga

That one guy was great.

Well, I'm glad I finally made it out to see you.

You know who else likes comedy? John. He's always watching standup on TV. I can only watch so much, but he loves it. You should invite him.

I could never do that!

You know who would love something like this?

You shoulda heard Carrie ripping on all the comics. She had me laughing so hard.

Now you gotta come to my salsa dance recital! (As in, a tit for a tat...it's your turn now!)

You should tell more Indian jokes. You know who I love who does a lot of Indian jokes? Russell Peters! He is sooo great.

You know who I really like...

That was fun! We should go out more often (pointing to the friends they went with as if you had nothing to do with their fun night out).

You know who else does comedy? (Yeah...funnier people.)

C. Logistickled Pink

I never knew there was a comedy show here..all this time I had no idea. Did you know Melissa? She didn't know either!

I see why you like comedy; it looks fun.

You must be tired. We are! Gotta run!

BIFFFFFFOOM!!!
photo courtesy of Flickr and toga

You must meet so many funny people. Those other comics must crack you up backstage.

Wow, how do you have time for this, what with work and kids and all?

Looks like a fun way to meet people. (Yes, that's actually why I make fun of myself onstage...to meet people.)