Welcome to Your Comedy Layover...
Monday, September 29, 2008
"Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea." — George Carlin
And from "The Planet is Fine", by: George Carlin
We're so self-important. So self-important. Everybody's going to save something now. "Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails." And the greatest arrogance of all: save the planet. What? Are these fucking people kidding me? Save the planet, we don't even know how to take care of ourselves yet. We haven't learned how to care for one another, we're gonna save the fucking planet? I'm getting tired of that shit. Tired of that shit. I'm tired of fucking
Earth Day, I'm tired of these self-righteous environmentalists, these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is there aren't enough bicycle paths. People trying to make the world save for their Volvos. Besides, environmentalists don't give a shit about the planet. They don't care about the planet. Not in the abstract they don't. Not in the abstract they don't. You know what they're interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat.
They're worried that some day in the future, they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn't impress me.
Besides, there is nothing wrong with the planet. Nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine. The PEOPLE are fucked. Difference. Difference. The planet is fine. Compared to the people, the planet is doing great. Been here four and a half billion years. Did you ever think about the arithmetic? The planet has been here four and a half billion years. We've been here, what, a hundred thousand? Maybe two hundred thousand? And we've only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over two hundred years. Two hundred years versus four and a half billion.
And we have the CONCEIT to think that somehow we're a threat? That somehow we're gonna put in jeopardy this beautiful little blue-green ball that's just a-floatin' around the sun?
The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through all kinds of things worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles...hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worlwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages...And we think some plastic bags, and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet...the planet...the planet isn't going anywhere. WE ARE!
We're going away. Pack your shit, folks. We're going away. And we won't leave much of a trace, either. Thank God for that. Maybe a little styrofoam. Maybe. A little styrofoam. The planet'll be here and we'll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet'll shake us off like a bad case of fleas. A surface nuisance.
You wanna know how the planet's doing? Ask those people at Pompeii, who are frozen into position from volcanic ash, how the planet's doing. You wanna know if the planet's all right, ask those people in Mexico City or Armenia or a hundred other places buried under thousands of tons of earthquake rubble, if they feel like a threat to the planet this week. Or how about those people in Kilowaia, Hawaii, who built their homes right next to an active volcano, and then wonder why they have lava in the living room.
he planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we're gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, 'cause that's what it does. It's a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed, and if it's true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new pardigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesn't share our prejudice towards plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn't know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, "Why are we here?"
So, the plastic is here, our job is done, we can be phased out now. And I think that's begun. Don't you think that's already started? I think, to be fair, the planet sees us as a mild threat. Something to be dealt with. And the planet can defend itself in an organized, collective way, the way a beehive or an ant colony can. A collective defense mechanism. The planet will think of something. What would you do if you were the planet? How would you defend yourself against this troublesome, pesky species? Let's see... Viruses. Viruses might be good. They seem vulnerable to viruses. And, uh...viruses are tricky, always mutating and forming new strains whenever a vaccine is developed. Perhaps, this first virus could be one that compromises the immune system of these creatures. Perhaps a human immunodeficiency virus, making them vulnerable to all sorts of other diseases and infections that might come along. And maybe it could be spread sexually, making them a little reluctant to engage in the act of reproduction.
Well, that's a poetic note. And it's a start. And I can dream, can't I? See I don't worry about the little things: bees, trees, whales, snails. I think we're part of a greater wisdom than we will ever understand. A higher order. Call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. The Big Electron...whoooa. Whoooa. Whoooa. It doesn't punish, it doesn't reward, it doesn't judge at all. It just is. And so are we. For a little while.
Posted by Mikael J at 11:20 AM
Friday, September 26, 2008
Ok here it is...the first ever "Friday Morning Joke Contest for DCCOMEDY4NOW.COM" and this entire contest was inspired by the article below. I like smart comedy, I like it when its cutting edge and thought provoking but when it comes down to it, all I want to do is talk about "pee-pee" and "cah-cah" (Dick and Fart Jokes). You're guaranteed to hear a joke about this on one of the late night talk shows next week--pitch your own bit here in the comment section.
From the article: Charge dropped against man accused of farting. He had an upset stomach, but police didn't let him go to the toilet, he says
Jose Cruz, 34, who police said passed gas and fanned it toward a patrolman, will no longer be charged with battery.
SOUTH CHARLESTON, W.Va. - A West Virginia man accused of passing gas and fanning it toward a police officer no longer faces a battery charge.
The Kanawha County prosecutor's office requested that the charge be dropped against 34-year-old Jose Cruz.
Cruz, of Clarksburg, W. Va., was pulled over early Tuesday for driving without headlights, police said. According to the criminal complaint, Cruz smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech and failed three field sobriety tests before he was handcuffed and taken to a police station.
According to a criminal complaint, Cruz passed gas and made a fanning motion toward patrolman T.E. Parsons after being taken for a breathalyzer test.
"The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons," the complaint alleged.
Cruz acknowledged passing gas, but said he didn't move his chair toward the officer nor aim gas at the patrolman. He said he had an upset stomach at the time, but police denied his request to go to the bathroom when he first arrived at the station.
"I couldn't hold it no more," he said.
He also denied being drunk and uncooperative as the police complaint alleged. He added he was upset at being prepared for a breathalyzer test while having an asthma attack. The police statement said he later resisted being secured for a trip to a hospital that he requested for asthma treatment.
Cruz said the officers thought the gas incident was funny when it happened and laughed about it with him.
Cruz, who was arrested Tuesday, still faces two charges: driving under the influence and driving without headlights, and two counts of obstruction.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
From Rob Loving: We're hosting a fun open mic at D.C.'s Palace of Wonders. More comics needed! It's bi-weekly, Sundays. Next one is October 5th. The Palace of Wonders also keeps their kickass calendar up to date on their site.
Posted by Mikael J at 10:22 PM
Monday, September 22, 2008
Alright, hopefully see you soon,
Posted by Mikael J at 12:54 PM
Friday, September 19, 2008
DCComedy4Now has been awarded the Joel Bramburger Award for Electronic Journalistic Excellence for 2007-08. The award given to Jason Saenz and Nick Turner was accepted on their behalf by Mikael Johnson.
There was some speculation around the community as to whether the Joel Bramburger Award existed at all and it does not. It was actually conceived by the person who accepted it, dccomedy4now contributor, Mikael Johnson. Johnson explained to us just now, after he wrote that last sentence, "I was short on content per usual and I thought why not give ourselves an award. This site lacks integrity so, f-it...I have nothing else to do right now". Johnson then followed up his previous answer with this question, "How does it feel to interview yourself?" Johnson immediately replied with, "Ok, I mean, I know what question is coming and even though I know what is going to be asked, I still say it aloud and allow myself like this moment to think about it and respond. The whole 'ask-reply process' is sort of like a cameo by Christopher Walken in the movies these days--kind of unnecessary". Why Bramburger? "Uh...I think its because at work last week, I ran into a guy with that last name, it just sort of stuck in my head". Why Fly-fishing--"Uh just popped into my head, seem arbitrary enough". Why are you typing 'Uh'? No response.
Johnson says he considers giving himself an award tomorrow.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Uh...surprise! For some of you, at least. Our first official TDC Radio Compilation is out now on TDC Records. It's actually TDC1 in our catalogue. So, that's kind of a big deal. If things play out the way we hope, it'll be every bit as valuable as Nirvana's "Love Buzz" 7" in about 20 years ($1,800 and counting--I think). It includes some of the highlights from the first couple years of The Big Takeover summer show on Georgetown Radio, featuring a ton of DC comics both present and past.
- Show Intro
- Hobo Justice
- A Visit from "Gator n' Tha Gooch" Part I
- 'Billy Karate Calls in!
- Worst Rapper Ever, Discovered [in the WGTB promo bin]
- Surprise Visit from John Fogerty aka Worst Fogerty Impression Ever
- Tyler and Joey Erg talk Simpsons!
- C&C Music Factory Lady and Fogerty
- Millionaire 'Maxwell Money' Calls in!
- Muscle Confusion...
- A Call from Iraq!
- A Visit from "Gator n' Tha Gooch" Part II
- Anupama's Run-in on NY Ave
- 'Glen Feinman' Calls in from the Frederick Towne Mall
- Spokesperson Extraordinaire 'Billy Mays' Calls in!
- A Visit from "Gator n' Tha Gooch" Part III
- "Summertime" by Tim & Herbie
The first pressing of the CD was basically handmade by myself and Jake Young, including limited edition artwork by the man himself! I can't encourage you all to support DC Comedy and pick up a copy of this compilation at a show, from tdcpresents.com, CD Cellar, Smash!, or hopefully in the future iTunes or CDBaby! The money will go to help us recover material costs, but mostly go into funding the continuation of "The Big Takeover" podcast as it grows and becomes and even greater worldwide outlet for DC Comedy, great interviews (both with real and hilarious made-up people), quality music, and who knows what else. Get 'em while they're hot. For now, it's available from, well me, but soon will be for sale at fine local retailers such as CD Cellar in Arlington, and Smash! in DC, as well as right here from the website. The CD is $5 Postage Paid. Please email me if you want to request a copy email@example.com . I'm offering a special low price for comics, mostly because I hate asking people for money. You know how it is.
Monday, September 15, 2008
*Have a funny idea for youtube or funnyordie.com?
*Great idea for comedy feature length movie?
*Don't have the equipment to do any of it?
These sorts of festivals are fantastic opportunities to
network and to get better at a craft that can only make you a more markable entity. Frederick, Maryland is my hometown, so direct all "Fredneck" jokes to my email instead
of the comment section. Check out the site (http://www.72fest.com/) or read press release:
Friday October 10th and Saturday October 11, 2008 marks the third annual “72 Film Fest”, a high energy no holds barred film competition that will test the artistic abilities and ingenuity of many Filmmaking Teams from Frederick and across the region.
During the 72 hour period between October 2nd and 5th filmmakers will be unleashed on the streets of Frederick to write, direct and edit a short film based on secret criteria revealed at the 72 Film Fest Launch Party October 2nd at the Cultural Arts Center. Teams can pre-register online, or if they’d prefer just show up and register at the Launch Party. Each film turned in on time will premiere along with a few surprises during the two night event the following weekend. Additionally, each film will be independently judged by a distinguished panel of Industry Professionals and following the Saturday screening, awards will be handed out to top films. “With recent advances in camera and editing technologies, along with increasing media distribution outlets such as You tube and Current TV, there has been a major revolution in the art of filmmaking. Now more than ever, producing and distributing high quality films is accessible to more individuals which explains why our Festival has enjoyed such meteoric success” says Co-Producer Salyer McLaughlin.
In past years, filmmakers chose from a wall of envelopes containing such themes as “Death and Reproduction”, “Devotion” and proverbs like “A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.” and “The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.” Some Filmmakers even choose to take Challenges like “No Visual Edits” meaning the film must be produced in one complete take. “Our criteria is meant to challenge the filmmakers by guiding his/her creativity into making deeper more meaningful films” says festival co-founder, Jason Streff. He adds, “This year, we’re further pushing the cerebral limits of our filmmakers as the secret criteria will undoubtably be the most abstract yet. But don’t take my word for it.”
Prizes are still being determined but so far range from cash, actor headshots and dinners to local restaurants up to full editing software packages like Final Cut Studio (sponsored by Mac Business Solutions). “Each year we’ve seen the creativity and level of production increase. With many returning filmmakers already pre-registered (as well as brand new faces), we are very excited to see who’s going to push the envelope this year,” states fellow producer Clark Kline.
72 Film Fest was formed in 2006 when predecessor Frederick Festival of Film ceased. Not wanting the 72 Hour Competion to die, Filmmakers Clark Kline, Jason Streff and Salyer McLaughlin formed 72 Fest with the goal to: “bring under-screened and independent films to the people of Frederick, and to provide an outlet for the creative community by hosting challenges in the fields of filmmaking, theatre, writing and other arts.” Earlier this year 72 Fest introduced a new annual contest “72 Play Fest” which saw 10 competing teams writing, directing and performing a play within 72 Hours.
Saturday October 11th will be the main event where the highest judges entries will play with Friday Night’s programming decided by the number of teams registered. To see everything 72 Fest has to offer, you have to attend both days. But if you only can only make one night- Saturday Night is the Main Event. Doors open both nights at Weinberg Center at 6:30. The show begins at 7:30. The Award Ceremony follows the screening with all members of the audience able to participate in the coveted “Audience Favorite” Award. Tickets are $10 for one Day., $17 for both and can be purchased at the Weinberg Box Office or on their website http://www.weinbergcenter.org/.
This years festival is sponsored by Frederick Arts Council and Mac Business Solutions and Supported by Frederick Community College, Celebrate Frederick, Weinberg Center and many local businesses like Cafe Nola, Structures Salon, and Wonder Book.
This month's show is kicking up the variety even more with standup, sketch, music, and improv. It will be unlike anything you've ever seen before. Surprises and mischief and the tangy-sweet crispy taste of new Pepsi Crunch.
Type rest of the post here
In a bizarre buisness move, Bartender Rob is taking a private party that will assure him and the establishment money and potential patrons rather than hear 2 hours of human struggle and embarrassment. Well, I guess for tonight, we'll just have to take our awkwardness elsewhere.
Posted by Mikael J at 1:46 PM
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Posted by Mikael J at 11:58 PM
ok, see you!
I have some other theories about DC’s overall personality that involve: having money, not having money, over-worked and underpaid, over-educated and underpaid, and over-paid and under-to-no-working at all.
Posted by Mikael J at 12:38 PM
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Chad Rogers from Bravo's "Million Dollar Listings". Not since Ricky Gervais's created "The Office's" 'David Brent' has someone developed a character that is so pitiful, so pathetic, such an ingratiating dah-oooosh bag, that if Chad were actually a real person you could only explain his existence the same way you explain the slow onset of Alzheimer’s , an underdeveloped parasitic twin, or a tsunami that rolls through a children’s burn unit—just a cruel and inexplicable abnormality of Mother Nature.
But luckily, Chad nor his two co-stars of this show are actually “real” because, reality TV is scripted--so the people themselves or writers are creating these characters! That’s how I keep reconciling the onslaught of these types that keep riding onto the airways—none of them are real…reality television is scripted. The Bravo Channel and E! are boiling over with these sorts of programs, such as “The Hills”, “The Real Desperate Housewives”, “Sunset Tan”, etc. But thank God, they aren’t real.
Because if Bravo and The E! Channel’s TV programming were real—they would be, on a human level, about as explainable as Krakow and Aushwitz.
Monday, September 8, 2008
I've just put 8 videos up on www.youtube.com/livehumansindc of featured artists from the past 2 months:
OBSERVA at the Electric Maid, 7/1/08
ALEX THE RED ROBERT PAREZ at the Palace of Wonders, 7/15/08
ARDAMUS at Solly's Tavern, 7/22/08
THE FAMILY HEMERLEIN at Solly's Tavern, 7/29/08
AMERICAN SINNER at the Electric Maid, 8/5/08
MIKE BLEJER at the Palace of Wonders, 8/12/08
JAY HASTINGS at the Palace of Wonders, 8/19/08
ME at the PALACE OF WONDERS, 9/2/08
They'll be in the podcast soon as well. Check 'em out! Even if you were there, it's fun to flip thru them all like this. Like a little Bumbershoot, right in your lap.
AND, this week we've got THE BITTER POET (http://www.thebitterpoet.com/), who'll also be headlining The Bitter Poet's World of Bitter Variety Show on Friday (9/12) at the Palace of Wonders.
and in the coming weeks:9/16 - the Palace of Wonders with featured artist THE DUBBER!!!9/23 - Solly's Tavern with BRYSON TURNER!!!9/30 -
Solly's Tavern with DAMONE MILLER!!!
come on out!
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Hood Morning Hervryone, Ahm Thm Rowkaw....
Hop stery thes mrning, nhew hontact email frrrr dccohmedy4rrrnow....lssted to thu lfft hand side huv thh paaage.
Ehn New Yrrrk tuhday, Ick Turnrrr, wohke hup wittth twwooh teeenage Twaineeese prstituuuutes aaaahhhnd wwwwun nsty hangvr.
Munday, Cheeeafff Hikes wull strt wiitthh hay drnk spehhcciaal hat sex O'clock running til tehhen. Haul hue cahn drenk fer twenty dullrs--thahats drft ahnd rhaail drenks.
Tiiiiler Sonnichsen wheee apologhhize fer beeeeing lahate hon advertysing yer web show fhanalie. Hehnce the nhew contahct hemail hat tha thop.
Thes has behen hay pohost byah Tham Rowkaw, havah ghoohd nihite heverywon.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
NFL season kicks off tonight—Which means I'm mostly useless when the Skins are playing. I get so absorbed into the season that everything else takes a backseat and I fall further and further behind what I am suppossed to be doing. Oh and when Washington loses, I'm useless for the week and shut off any attention to the outside world--and I think this scenario is going to happen early and often.
NFC Champ: (God, I hate to say this) Dallas Cowboys
AFC Champ: New England Patriots
Superbowl: Patriots: 41 Cowboys: 21
Lead story lines:
Before tonight’s game, there is concern for the aging Tom Coughlin who suggests that if Eli Manning were to get hurt, that he has total confidence in his roast-beef sandwich.
After a visit from Ray Lewis, Raven's injured quarterback Kyle Bohler announces his retirement.
On a wide-out screen pass, Brett Farve's right arm will release from the socket and sail with the ball into the arms of Laverneous Coles who will scamper 67 yards for a TD in week 3.
Buffalo Fans will forget that the Bills start at Home this Sunday--Buffalo rolls to a 21-3 victory in an empty stadium.
Unexpectedly, Arizona Cardinal's quarterback Kurt Warner blames their slow start on Jesus.
Patriot’s Randy Moss becomes the first player ever in the history of the NFL to score a touchdown and in celebration, defecate onto the football.
Patriots squeak in again as Division Champs despite Tom Brady playing the latter half of the season pregnant with Giselle Bundchen's baby.
Chad Johnson, now legally known as "Ocho Cinco", not known for his logic, goes on a media rampage challenging anyone in a wheelchair to a race.
Peyton Manning skips practice to join James Lipton on "Inside the Actor's Stuido".
Bill Parcells during the final week of the season while grocery shopping finally gets all the references that were made about his team being "Dolphin-safe Tuna".
Oakland's owner Al Davis, takes a cue from another 'genius' Howard Huges, and starts stacking his urine in mason jars.
The Washington Redskins will go through 139 quarterback changes, finally settling on local Wilson High starter, Chet Montgomery.
Posted by Mikael J at 1:12 PM