Welcome to Your Comedy Layover...
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Soho is always a tough open-mic, I guess because patrons have their computers as a distraction that engrosses them way more than conversations with someone else would. They can have headphones. Anyways, I have performed at Soho a few times before so I know the routine at least. I get up there and start into my stuff and I find I am way more comfortable than I have ever been before. Probably because I have told these jokes at least once before in front of an audience before and also I because I was sober. Seriously, I am not at the level yet to have anything in my system and it help my set. So I fired off some of my “classics”. A Stiff Dick joke always gets a laugh, one. The automatic toilets joke went well. Then Pancakes and Children’s Menus were alright. I think they at least were passable because I wasn’t stumbling over my words; I was actually enjoying my time up there. Which is something hosting helps with, since you are constantly going back onstage trying new stuff.
Kojo broke the damn stage platform, which ended up being a funny bit between him and Sean. Those random moments are always my favorites.
Thankfully there were some funny people like them and Tim Miller, Chris White, Tyler Sonnichson and our boy Jay, so the show wasn’t completely shitty. I felt like I finally started to belong up there, which has taken about 6 open mic’s to get to.
BTW, the Soho Open Mic is closing next week after 4 years running. That is some accomplishment. Please come out next week and see some the best comics in the city as they send the little coffee shop back to doing what they used to do on Monday nights…drinking coffee in peace.
Last night I felt like the prettiest girl in
Last night I did the open mic at Soho Tea & Coffee in
So Mr. Flamer wanders into our conversation and starts looking me up and down, “You were adorable.” I say thank you, thinking that “adorable” is gay talk for “funny guy with original jokes”. He keeps licking his chops and eye raping me. He informs me that he is a lawyer and wants to help with my legal troubles. I’m still thinking, “Hey, this is one helluva nice gay guy, who happens to enjoy helping out poor comics”. He wants to hear the details of my case, so I start laying it on him. He stops me and says, “I’d like to speak to you privately”. At this point, I start thinking he’s a little odd.
SIDE NOTE: It’s popular to blame women for being so naïve and ignorant about men’s real intentions, but I can sort of see it from their side now. It’s a good feeling to think that someone likes you just based on your character alone. I was hoping that this guy had taken a liking to my comedy and wanted to help a struggling comic. I assume it’s the same way if you’re a hot chic. However, with that being said I have learned my lesson from the following and will never trust a Flamer’s compliment again:
So, once we get away from other ears he lays this on me, “I am the best lawyer on the East Coast. I’m the greatest criminal lawyer you’ll find anywhere in the area; check my credentials. I am willing to wave ALL legal fees, if you can find a man who is as equally or more attractive than you, and let me watch you fuck each other. What do you think?” Apparently, my look of disgust didn’t answer his question. He waited for an answer and continued to rape me with his eyes.
You know what knocks a pause in a conversation? When a grown man asks another grown man to fuck another grown man in the ass while that grown man sits in the corner and beats off. I can honestly say that was a first for me, and hopefully the last (you can only be tempted so many times…right, right?). I finally pick my jaw off the sidewalk and compose myself to speak. I inform him that I am NOT gay, but extremely flattered. I don’t know why I told him I was flattered, but I’ve never been good at break-ups. But, if I was a gay dude and another gay dude wanted to watch me fuck another gay dude that would be a compliment I think. Plus, he said I was attractive and I don’t care who that compliment comes from it feels GREAT on the inside!
So, I tell him again I’m not gay and he gives me a look like, “Who are you trying to fool; me or you?” So, I reassure him that I am not gay, and that I do not want to fuck another dude in front of him. Then in true Used Car Salesman fashion he goes, “How do you feel about touching?” Now, I should have just said “thank you, but no” and left. However, I figured why not humor myself and see what Mr. Faggy McGee was proposing. By “touching” he wanted to know how I felt about other men “touching” my cock. Like blasting a dude in the ass might be too gay for me, but a fucking hand-job from a chubby gay dude might sit well with me. He still doesn’t believe I’m not interested in participating, so I tell him I have a girlfriend (which I don’t have). Then he wants to know if she’d be interested in performing a sexual act for him. I had to tell him that she really loves Jesus and that sort of thing wouldn’t sit well her Christian sensibilities or mine. Then I patted him on the back and said, “Hey, better luck next time.”
* First, if you have been offended that I said “faggot”, “flaming faggot”, or “super duper flaming faggot” you didn’t see how big of a faggot this guy was and I think it’s ignorant of you to judge my judgments without knowing the situation. Plus, I think any respectable gay man would call that dude a faggot. Seriously, who asks a complete stranger to fuck another man in the ass while he gets his stroke on in the corner? I think “faggot” is the only answer and I’m sticking to my guns on that one.
*Secondly, there is no way he can be the best lawyer on the east coast. Why? I’m going to say that no jury could ever take that lisp seriously. Plus, he can’t be pulling in that much cash when he’s waiving his fees in order to his freaky freak on.*Thirdly, the main reason I wanted to stay out of jail was to avoid being fucked in the ass. Why the fuck would I go to the lawyer who wants to fuck me in the ass? Read more!
Monday, August 20, 2007
I was on the train yesterday going to
So, right when I’m about to snap and punt this kid back in mom’s chubby arms she takes off running like a crack head. She jumps and leaps onto the pole like a Russian gymnast. And that’s when I’m forced to stare at the most illegal vagina I’ve ever seen. Immediately after seeing it I felt so dirty. I was convinced that Chris Hansen from Datelines “To Catch a Predator” was going to pop out from underneath my seat. “What exactly do you think you’re staring at? Do you know how young this girl is? You’re a teacher aren’t you? You sick fuck.”
A vagina that young really takes you by surprise. I mean we’ve all seen a shaved, 19 year old vagina in a strip club and that’s a beautiful sight. But, you don’t need to see a shaved, 19 year old vagina that’s been shrunk in the dryer. NO! It’s wrong and it’s awful. I was just sitting there trying to enjoy my book and out of no where I’m staring down barrel of a 4 year olds baby maker.
And it’s not like seeing a little girl with her shirt off at the beach. We’ve all seen that and we never think anything of it, because a 4 year old doesn’t have mini-boobs that resemble a mature set of breasts. But sex organs are sex organs, and when you see one up close it changes you. Remember the first time you saw a Va-jay with the lights on…yeah, a little odd wasn’t it? Ok, well now take that feeling soak it in pedophilia and wrap it in shame and that’s how I felt riding on that train.
That’s how pedophiles get their start. One day a normal dude is riding the train on his way to work, and then WHAM-O!!! A tiny vagina swings into his field of vision and he can’t get the disturbing imagine of that kids va-jay out of his skull. So it haunts him day and knight until one day he wakes up and decides “I’m going to seriously fuck my life up, and hang out at playgrounds to see if I can get a another peek of super young crotch. I just sort of grossed myself out.
I thought the real point of concern was that the mom didn’t seem to care that her little girl was flashing her twat all over the Red line. Isn’t that the job of a parent; to cover up your kid’s private parts when they’re all willy nilly in showing god and everybody their junk? I think it is. If you’re a parent and you see that your little girl has taken to showing the entire train her pussy because she’s hanging upside down on a pole, you need to throw a blanket on that fire. I thought having to deal with the kids incessant talking and shrill voice was the worst thing that could happen, but that’s a walk in the park compared to staring at a kid’s special purpose.
So, in closing I’d like to say that I’m scared by this whole experience. I hope I never see another 4 year old vagina, and I truly mean that. I don’t want kids of my own. And I pray that the next time I see a bald vagina that it’s of legal age, and sitting on my face.
Last night we had a cute waitress @ Greg Norman's Australian Restaurant in Myrtle Beach, SC. I leaned over to my 10 year old little brother and said, "hey, we need to figure out a plan so i can get her number. You'll be my little wing man." He replied, "I got it. Next time she comes back to the table just punch me in the face."
I thought it was a brilliant move, but apparently knocking out your little brother in a fancy restaurant wasn't her idea of a good time. COME ON! I thought this was South Carolina. Read more!
Friday, August 17, 2007
A 'Good' Friday to Christians and Non-Christians alike. As some of you may know I get my main dose of comedy from the fine folks @ Washington Improv Theater. I have performed with them for about 2 1/2 years now, currently with troupes Jackie and iMusical and I love every second. I strongly encourgage everyone who has taken an improv class, has performed improv in past or just wants to audition for the fun of it to check out this opprotunity.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Come out tonight and check out an open mic at the Rondezvous Bar in Adam's Morgan. Every week is a booked with a great mix of seasoned DC comics and newcomers so it is always a fresh and exciting show. Good friend John McBribe books the room and you can shoot him an email at firstname.lastname@example.org
2226 18th St. NW, Washington, DC 20009
Sign up if you feel frisky or come by and support good local comics. Read more!
Whenever I divulge that I am a comedian in a new group of people I inevitably get one of two responses; “Hey, tell me a joke” or “Hey, here is a joke for ya!” I heard this joke from a local at the Ramada Inn Bar and Lounge, off Exit 2 in Louisville, Kentucky over the weekend.
So, there is this [whisper] black guy and a Chinese guy on the opposite sides of a pond. Every notice when a racist really wants to say the N-Word he whispers “black guy” instead? The Chinese guy is skipping rocks and the Black Guy sees him from across the water there and says to him self “Hey, I don’t have a job. I think I am going to go over there and rob that Chinese guy.” Yes, that was the setup. Of course. Chinese guy skipping rocks and a Black guy with no business being there except to commit a crime. Continue please. So the Black guy goes over to sneak up on him, but notices that when ever the Chinese guy skips a rock to goes “Ching! Chang! Chong!”. Every time, without fail. When he throws a rock, same thing happens, “Ching! Chang! Chong!” The Black Guy doesn’t know what could be making those sounds, but he still needs the money so he decides to rob him anyways. Yeah, let’s not forget the Black Guy is a criminal. So he pulls out a knife and presses it against the Chinese’s guy’s throat and says ‘Give me your money!! But first…I keep hearing noises coming from the pond every time you skip a rock. How do you do that?” Yep, you read that right and it just as awkward when it was being told. The Black Guy engages in conversation about the fucking pond AS he is robbing the Chinese guy. Like that is the only what Black people know when to communicate, as they are committing a felony. The Chinese guy replies “Well, this is a magical pond and every time I skip a rock it tells me the names of my ancestors. Ching, chang and chong.” AND the Chinese Guy is so dumb he forgets there is a knife pressed against his throat! That is some sneaky racism. The Black Guy thinks to himself, “Well shit, I don’t know who my daddy is, so I am going to try this out myself.” Okay, he gets one more blatantly racist comment in before the punch line. Strap in, folks. Here comes a dozy. So he grabs a rock, skips it across the pond and hears “Chim! Pan! Zee!”
Now the reaction he receives is the correct one, complete silence. Now this fucking comedic genius does what any comic does when a joke bombs, he tries to save face. So he goes “That was a bad one, I know. That was a bad joke huh?” No, buddy. Bad Taste, yes. Bad joke, no. FUCKING HORRIBLE FUCKING JOKE. Not only was it blatantly racist, (where he tried to cram in 10 different racist jokes into one. I mean, stick to one and maybe we can have a good time here) he completely ditches the fact that the black guy is robbing the Chinese guy throughout the first part of the joke! No conclusion to that story. So does he get the money or not!?! Why bring it up!? Oh, yeah. This fucking hillbilly couldn’t figure out another way for these two characters to meet. I mean, could the Black Guy been fishing? OR just walking through the woods. Nope, he had to want to commit a crime. So I get it, the whole joke is to say that Black people are descended from monkeys, but he obviously took way to long to get there and distracted his audience with comments on the black guy’s criminal urges. I didn’t know what was supposed to be the joke. Black guys are criminals or they are monkeys. Let’s choose one for the sake of the joke. Plus, aren’t we all an evolution from primates? So his joke, needless to say, is a little inaccurate.
This led to several other tasteless jokes though out the night by him and several other locals around the bar. The highlights: salesmen mistakenly eat what they thought was buttered corn on the cob but was instead corn used to fuck an old lady. A Mexican mistakenly eating what he thought was buttered popcorn but was actually popcorn that had been pissed on. Assholes become larger after you go to prison and Vaginas look like doughnuts. Thank you Louisville!
I got some comedy gold here people! I plan on using them at the next open mic. But, please I know what you are going to say. Yes, I will tighten up the beginning to the Pond joke. Read more!
Monday, August 13, 2007
Whats up DC Comedy: 4 Now blog readers! How's everyones monday going? I'm the 4th guy who writes on this blog, and my name is kojo mante. Thats not important. What is important is watching this video a few of us local comics put together over the weekend. We tried to touch on major issues like global warming, and i-Phones. If you waiting to finish reading the post before clicking the link and you mouse over words as you read them, then click here!
Or just watch it right here!
Sunday, August 12, 2007
So hey, if you live in DC you probably don't know who the hell I am. I just moved here from NYC where I've been doing stand up for about four years. If you live in NY there is a good chance you don't know me either. That's because there are 25 million people in the NY metro area and 20 million of them are "comedians." Nothing fills a pool of comedians faster than millions of failed actors.
So anyway, as the title of this blog suggests, the four of us don't plan on staying in DC for very much longer because, as the adage goes, "if you can make it in dc, you're a fucking liar." At least that's what I've been told. So many of you may be mulling over your possibilities of which city to conquer next. If NYC is on your list, I might be able to provide some helpful insight. If so, it would be the first time I ever provided help to any human being. My karma bank needs a deposit.
The first topic I'd like to cover is money-or more specifically getting paid for your craft. Unless you have multiple TV credits, you will not be making money for performing stand-up comedy within the city limits of New York. It is a clear, soul-crushing fact that you must accept. New York is a "showcase" city meaning that you are performing solely for the privilege of being seen by industry-even though that is a one in a thousand shot. I once got paid $20 by a producer that quickly learned this wasn't necessary and repealed that aspect of his show after three weeks of paying comics.
I'm not saying there aren't ways to make money. They just usually don't involve stand-up. There are plenty of writing jobs, web-content jobs, commercial acting opportunites, etc. where you can actually make some good money. But all of these are just kind of filler to fuel your true passions.
With that being a fact of life for the last four years I was pleasantly surprised when last night, after being in DC for only a week, I was paid $25 for a seven minute set. It might as well have been $1000 by how happy that made me. It was at a show run by Curt Shackleford at the Bethesda Hyatt. After reading his infamous "RULES & REGS FOR NEWCOMERS" I was pretty sure that I was going to be banned in the first five minutes of meeting Curt but he was surprisingly good-natured and I would even go so far as to describe him as "chatty."
The audience wasn't huge but that is something else that I have gotten quite used to doing shows in NY. But that will be saved for another post. I have to go write some actual comedy. As far as money-for-stand-up goes, DC is leaving New York in the dust. Read more!
Never, under any circumstances eat the Farmer's omelet @ the Gordon Biersch in Ronald Regan National Airport. That grisly assortment of eggs, bacon, sausage and veggies are your ticket to ass pain. Gate A-2 now departing from your rectum. Read more!
Friday, August 10, 2007
I don’t want to brag, but I’m the best Finger Banger that I know. Seriously, I’m fucking amazing at Finger Banging. Sure, other guys may be well endowed and have a great personality…but can they finger bang? Can’t nobody Finger Bang like me…you can take that to the bank.
How do I begin to properly illustrate the awesomeness that is my Finger Banging ability? I can finger bang fast or slow. I can finger bang sweet or I can finger bang mean, but one thing I promise you is that it’ll be the best finger bang of your life. I take pride in my finger banging. I don’t just stick my hand down your pants and try to finger bang you; oh no, I put on a production. I pretend that my index and middle finger are little legs, and I walk them around the audience (vagina). Then it’s showtime!
Always start slow and with one finger. If you don’t know that you shouldn’t be finger banging. I go slow, but it’s not boring. I incorporate a “swirling” motion (think of cleaning out a jar of peanut butter with your finger). Once I’ve enter and gotten the juices flowing…let the bangin’ begin. I go full speed, or what I commonly refer to as the “pistons of fury”. I finger bang like that for a good solid 2 minutes non-stop. Then I pull back on the throttle, light a candle and start with making finger banging love. Slow, long strokes that are precise and each one is thoughtful and kind. I switch up between 1 and 2 fingers. Then I do my “jumping jacks” (also known as synchronized swimming) move. That is a one way ticket to Ecstasyville: population Lucky Lady; Mayor: ME! But oh wait, it’s not even over. Then I go into my closer: “Tunneling the Dough”. I use two fingers and viciously “whip” the vagina into crazy orgasmic mess. It’s like I’m beating eggs, but it’s not eggs…it’s a woman’s pleasure zone. And when your eyes roll to the back of your head you know…you just got Finger Banged by a pro!
Tell me that a Finger Bang from me doesn’t sound like Heaven. If you say no you’re either a liar, or hate finger banging. I can’t imagine how anyone could hate finger banging. Finger banging is my gift and I want to share it with the world. So, when you see me out on the streets, don’t be afraid to ask for a Finger Bang, cause I’m more than willing to share my gift, and let everyone know exactly what a REAL Finger Bang should be.
Smell the success!Read more!
Nick and I went by and caught the HBO Comedy Festival Contest for The Lucky 21 Showcase of 2007 (longest name of a show in the DCImprov's catalogue) last night. Our man Jay hosted while toasted and let me tell you, not a hiccup in the whole damn show. Really, Jay is a consummate professional while imbibing. Nick and I on the other hand were stone cold sober, the less exhilarating way of watching stand-up comedy and the show still kicked ass. See Jay, beer doesn't make the chuckle-larynx stronger.
Erin Jackson, Chris White, Seaton Smith, Jared Stern, Randolph T, Rob Maher, Joe Robinson, and Jon Mumma were on the showcase with the chance to get picked for the regional finals and if then chosen again... that would be....sent to the other finals in Las Vegas....zzzzzzz....huh? Oh, yeah some prize for the winner to be chosen at some later date. Didn't matter to the audience. What did matter was some fucking great local comedians getting on stage and rockin'. That is the best thing about these showcases you get to see what the best D.C. comics have to offer and it is some good shit. I guess once you rise above the coffeeshop/smaller coffeeshop open mic rigmarole you actually start seeing some witty, smart shit. I particularly liked Rob and Erin's performances as I haven't seen their stuff much before and it was good to see what all the hubbub was about . Hubbub was right. Good hubbub, good.
Best performance of the night, hands down, was Jay in the lobby afterwards. He was moving and shaking out there. Bursting into conversations, hitting on waitresses as they swept up, shaking the hands of over eager fans. He is always on. On something. Zing! See what I did there? Read more!
Thursday, August 9, 2007
I vowed I would never blog again...not after the accident. You can't imagine the pain that absorbs your heart when you misspell EVERY word in a 3 page blog. I was so young and reckless. I thought I could blog about the world; boy was I wrong. I don't know anything about Indo-China and the strength of the Yen vs. the Native American currency "whompam". So, I told myself I wouldn't blog again. I was through typing out of my ass and nonchalantly misspelling words.
However, I broke that promise when I agree to write for the DC Comedy: 4 Now Blog because they pay by the word. (Seriously, you can’t beat the fucking money.) Also, they know how to wine and dine a boy. They took me to Benny HaaNaa’s (I don’t know Chinese) and they COOK IN FRONT OF YOU! It was amazing. Shrimp taste so much better after they’ve been tossed in the air, while being tossed in a teriyaki sauce, while an Asian-American man bangs metal cooking utensils inches from your face. I still sort of feel bad for not tipping, but come on they didn’t “serve” us. A waiter is busting their ass going back and forth from the table to the kitchen; he’s hustlin’. Also, you don’t tip the cooks at Appelbees, so why would you tip the cooks at Benny HaaNaa’s? For all I know the cooks at Appelbees are flipping the shit out of my food, but I’ll never know because the cooks at Appelbees are shy and don’t want to cook in front of people…and that’s a shame.
Next, the big shots that run DC Comedy: 4 Now Blog took me to the National Zoo. BORING!!! That was almost a deal breaker, but then they waived more money in front of me and WAMO: Jay had a tallboy beer in my hand and an Elephant Dog. (I hope to God the Zoo people didn’t make the “elephant dog” from REAL elephants, because when we were there I didn’t see ONE elephant, which leads me to believe that the Zoo people are fucking liars, or they kill elephants for gimmicky food products.) Oh BTW, you haven’t lived until you see two snakes fucking. Talk about a regular “who’s fuckin’ who”; it looks like a retarded child try to roll the hose up instead of using the hose whinder-upper.
Finally, the big wigs who run DC Comedy: 4 Now Blog got me a Singing Prostitute-O-Gram. On paper, it sounds like a good idea because I love whores and karaoke. However, do you know how hard it is to maintain an erection when a middle-aged, chubby Korean woman is belting out “She Works Hard for the Money…So Hard for the Money!” I felt guilty, but when you’re getting a great deal, it heals all wounds.
I’m glad to be on the winning team of DC Comedy: 4 Now Blog. I’ll be dropping in from time to time to say “what’s up” and “I got beat up again”, but until then know I love you all.
Hey ya'll, welcome to DC Comedy 4 Now. The title explains it all. This website was created by four comedians living and performing in DC, all with the same need to share with the whole freakin' blog world what their feelings were on any given subject. But namely, what it is like being a comedian in a town NOT known for comedy. That is why this is DC Comedy 4 Now, because we are destined for greener pastures.
But in the mean time, why not share our experiences and help one another out in finding the best and funniest places to see comedy in the city? We can keep on laughing, even though everyone else in the city walks around with a permanent scowl. Eff 'em.
This is your safe haven DC comedy lovers. Feel free to express your nipple twisting fetishes without shame. We won't. Read more!